Want Payback? How To Make A Cheater Squirm
Role reversal; effective ways to make your cheating partner look over their shoulder.
Sometimes you suspect your partner is cheating on you. And then sometimes you find out like a big smack in the face.
You have the evidence. You have the facts that confirm their infidelity, whether it be one night or a continued affair. And you're only decision is to work out your next move. Dump them, confront them or stay with them. Or a combination of them all.
But considering your partner is doing the dirty behind your back, making a fool out of your commitment to them, you don't have to jump straight to sorting the situation out. It's your relationship, after all. And it's not fair to let them walk away from the relationship without understanding some of the pain you feel.
Whilst I don't advocate for tit for tat, sometimes confronting a cheater head-on doesn't work either. They don't feel any guilt about their actions, nor do they intend of changing their behaviours. Sometimes, the only thing it teaches them is they need to do a better job of hiding their infidelity.
This squirming can help them realise more than just what they need to improve on. It can help them realise what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.
If you want to make a cheater squirm, do the following.
Drop hints that might not be hints
As a reformed cheater, I know what it's like to live on the edge. It's the fear of getting caught, and subsequently having to explain yourself.
I never did get caught, nor did the partner I cheat on ever voice any suspicions about my behaviour. But if he had even dropped the slightest of hints that he knew what I was up to, I would have started quaking.
It's easy to drop a hint that might not be a hint, by the way. You could easily:
- Point out a time where their inconsistent story doesn't add up - But you might put them off by blaming your memory for getting the timeline confused.
- Point out a name in their messages and emails you don't know - But then say you confused the name with someone else you know
- Remind them of how many times they were late or should have been with you, but weren't - Yet you casually pass it off as an observation and not a critique
- Ask a question that forces them to lie, a question you would never ask - Don't correct the lie. Let the situation pan out and see what happens next.
All these tactics force the cheater to wonder; do you know? Or are your observations and actions happy coincidences?
The wondering is enough to undo the savviest cheater. And if they're not wondering, they can see you're putting the pieces together.
Show up where they least suspect you
Cheating rarely happens on your home turf. And if it does, it's usually because the cheater doesn't suspect you to be there for an extended period of time.
If you know they are having an affair at the same hotel, show up at the hotel under false pretences, for example. Though this might be a giveaway if you can't play it straight.
Other ways of being where they least suspect you are:
- Surprising them at their office - If they are having a work-based affair, you stopping by might ruffle some feathers.
- Surprising them where they usually have after-work drinks - If they are a recreational cheater, or opportunistic cheater, being at their favourite pick-up place will knock them off their feet.
- Surprise them at something you said you weren't going to make it to - They can't complain because you've done something nice. You cancelled your plans to be there, after all.
- Get involved in their hobbies - If they are cheating with someone at the gym, join the gym. Workout with them. It's about making where they've been cheating feel uncomfortable for them.
Change your schedule unannounced
And if you know your partner is cheating in your home, this is your chance to show them how unpredictable your schedule can be. Cheaters rely on predictability.
They make plans based on:
- Your work schedule
- Your hobby schedule
- Your exercise schedule
- Your travel schedule - Especially for work
- How long it normally takes for you to do things - How long a hair appointment goes for, or how long it takes for you to visit your parents and return.
If you want to mess with a cheater, make them question your oh-so-predictable schedule.
This might need some careful planning and a little lying on your part. Your boss might need to sign off on you changing your schedule, for example.
But you can't tell your partner your schedule has changed until after you've surprised them, announced.
Otherwise, what was the point?
Tell a friend close to them you're suspicious
If you want to plant the idea firmly in the cheater's head, that you're well aware of what they're up to, or might be up to (depending on your wording), use a friend.
Get this friend to tell your partner about your suspicions. Ask this friend to say you are wondering and things are adding up.
Now, this approach takes some practical work, smart logistics and a lot of good faith. You do need a lot to align, including the following:
- A friend who is willing to pass on your suspicions - There is no good confiding in the friend if they don't pass it on. To make your partner squirm, they must know you're onto them.
- A friend who won't tell your partner what you're up to - This plan takes trust. You have to trust the friend will not only go along with your request but not tell your partner the truth.
- A friend who is close to them and you - Most friends who fit the bill are often hesitant to get in the middle.
- Timing for the friend to say something - They can't just ring your partner out of the blue. It can look too suspicious.
Borrow their phone
A cheater doesn't want you to have access to their phone. As much as they might delete messages or hide communication using aliases, the longer you have their phone, the more risk there is of you finding what they're hiding.
By asking to use their phone, you rattle the status quo. You could potentially find something out and that puts them on edge.
The longer you can use the phone, the better. Using it to place one phone call, or to check the weather app, won't suffice.
You need time with it.
And if they're close enough to you, borrowing your phone shouldn't be an issue, right? They want to help you out, right?
Go in armed with that reasoning, because a cheater will likely push back. Or accuse you of invading their privacy, which is rich considering what they're up to.
The only issue with this plan is they might not use their personal phone to make contact with the person/people they're cheating with.
They might use any or all the following technology:
- Work phone
- Work computer
- Hidden, pre-paid phone
- iPad or tablet with communication apps
- Hidden email account they aren't logged into on their phone
- Hidden app buried deep inside folders on their phone
- Mess up a contingency plan
Cheaters often have a backup plan. They know if they get caught, they need to be able to make a getaway.
Perhaps not from the relationship itself. But a temporary exit from the arguments and chaotic fallout this type of revelation induces.
A cheater's getaway plans are never that convoluted, by the way. But they normally involve keeping a person, property or finances available to them, should the need arise. To mess up their plans, you could:
- Hide their spare credit cards they don't think you know about
- Change the password to the WiFi
- Change phone numbers in their phone
These are very drastic steps to mess with someone, by the way. It's "the line" territory, where someone looking in might think you've gone too far.
It's all a matter of opinion; as long as you aren't doing anything illegal to mess with them, you're technically ok.
Though, if I'm being real, this isn't a socially acceptable type of behaviour, even if justified by cheating.
It can look like you've gone from making some squirm to straight-up, cold revenge.
Will they confess?
If your end goal for making them squirm is to get your cheater to confess, this might work. There are no guarantees, though.
And cheaters are often so selfish that to confess would violate their personal code of ethics.
If your end goal is to make them apologise for what they've done, you might wait forever for that, too. This approach for dealing with a cheater only gives temporary satisfaction to you.
It's your way of getting a little payback for all the torture and anguish they've given to you.
But I can't deny the elation you will feel when you walk away from the relationship knowing you didn't let them off that easy. Or without a little pain.
It can help you move on, in this weird way. It means you don't feel so duped, and you don't feel like this doormat who allows anyone to treat them with disrespect.
And if that helps you move on quicker from a cheater, I say do it.
Because, let's face it, moving on sucks.