Voicing Issues

Learning the difference between being reactive and passive aggressive is a lesson I plan on re-learning for my whole life. Conflict, I've reasoned, is just part of being a person with expectations among other people with their own goals. When I was younger, I wouldn't have thought about any issues that may develop from telling someone exactly what I think. After all, if they have the right to do what they want, why shouldn't I also have that option?

I learned early on that I would have to have rules if I was going to speak my mind. I could never make ad hominem attacks- they deterred from the reason I was speaking out. If my whole argument boiled down to my opinion of who they were and not how they acted then I wasn't coming from a place of strength. I was mimicking their own bad behavior. The other rule was never to let anyone push me into a position I didn't want to be in. If I had to admit I was wrong I would before I gave up my own authenticity to win an argument. And that had to hold true even if I had to apologize to the person I least liked or respected. Their actions could not dictate my response. It was in this boundary I determined for myself that I didn't need to escalate a confrontation but I also promised myself I would never run away from a fight. I'd rather be bruised than impotent or cowardly. The other rule I had for myself was I couldn't respond to personal attacks they had about me. People are allowed to have whatever opinion they want of me; it's just part of the human experience. My final rule was this: if consequences were imposed upon me based on what I said or how I said it I would need to face them head on and learn from my actions. Without responsibility, what could be a resourceful skill is just a weapon.

For awhile this method worked for me. However, as I began figuring out the person I wanted to be, I realized that I would have to give up some of my anger. I was tired of people telling me I was too much. It was hard on my self-esteem to constantly be navigating conflict. In addition, I realized that my own constant frustration was also a facet of my own mental health. If I was letting my sense of justice and fairness dictate my life how would I ever have a support system? How could I show forgiveness and patience to the children I wanted to have? Not to mention the fact that if I constantly was ready for a fight I would do more harm than good for my long-term goals. How could I show leadership if I was needlessly punitive? I learned that anger without direction is just a wild fire. So, of course, I went to another extreme.

I tried to mimic the more quiet and passive people that surrounded me. I didn't complain. I didn't give people my honest opinion. I double-checked every feeling I had to make sure I wasn't overreacting. I accepted that my ego was not as important as achieving my goals. I hoped that this would lead to more support and guidance. However, I found more conflict; except instead of defending myself, I only absorbed a lot of criticism. It cost me most of my confidence. It cost me a bit of my self-respect and I was more overwhelmed and frustrated than I ever had been. I was known as a pushover. It literally almost cost me my actually voice. I was so preoccupied by how my words would be received that I could barely get out a sentence. In fact, "sorry" became a prefix to every word I had in a conversation.

I learned a valuable lesson: you are not responsible for how your words will be received. People who don't want to understand you cannot be reasoned with. It's not that they cannot- it's that they will not.

I found myself missing the version of me that would tell someone, anyone, the effect of their actions. There was bravery in being the person who didn't take another's persons bad day. The person who would stand up for others even if it was me against a whole classroom of people. It was a skill some people would never be able to develop to their own detriment to the harm of others.

Meanwhile, I wondered about the other side of the story. The people who heard my opinion weren't jailed or punished. For only a short time, they had to hear the consequences of their actions and the effect of their words. Did being another person who tolerated their bad behavior really help them in anyway? As if they wouldn't lose friendships, business contacts, and potential because of skills they could likely easily fix. As someone who had taken a lot of criticism I learned that sometimes the hard truth was helpful to hear especially from people I didn't particularly like. A friend, a family member, is biased. They see the best version of you. But someone who is objective, objective being the key word, will tell you things you don't want to hear but need to.

Lately, I've had to balance on how to be assertive. Learning when to be aggressive and passive aggressive has been a tricky dance to continue. I've learned to speak up when going with the flow will inconvenience me and citing ignorance if I come on too strong accidentally. I've learned to hold my tongue even though I would really love to react to a situation and burn many, many bridges. I've also learned timing. It may not always be the time during a project to speak up for the sake of the team; but, if you never do, you'll regret it. It'll cost you authenticity, self-respect, and much-earned confidence. People will come and go in your life; but, how you treat yourself will stick with you every second throughout your day.