Unwanted Heart Feels

You came in and turned my world upside down. You made me strip all my old layers and stand bare in front of you. There all my scars and the broken heart I carried were all made visible for you to see. How can you still love me after seeing something so traumatizing? How can you see anything beautiful in anything I am? How can you love me? That's the biggest mystery in it all, how can you love something that has been through it all? Loving me takes so much life out of you, how can you continue? I don't understand why you love me. Why do you love something that was once so dirty? I’ve made life choices that were surrounded by trauma and a cry for help. You came and you picked me up when I was broken down and was going to let myself rot away. You swept in and saved the day, but did you make a big mistake? How can you love something that causes you more pain, rainy days and headaches, then joy and clear skies? Why would you want to possibly spend the rest of your life loving me? I’m dirty and unwhole. how can you see anything beautiful in my soul? I don't understand how you can love with no conditions, but then again I’ve never been loved before. And here it is love knocking at my door and I want to let you in, but I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you again and that will cause you to come tumbling down and you don't deserve that, especially not now. But it seems as though my shortcomings are plastered on the wall and every once in a while we turn around and look at everything I’ve done. I have no choice but to stay in the place that broke me because every time I go to move forward and leave it all behind me, it's always something that takes me back. So I don't understand why or how. How can you love a girl who has given every piece of herself to the world? How can you love a girl who doesn’t know how to love herself? How can you love a girl who is trying to find her way and figure out what the hell a woman is? How can you truly love someone who did nothing but hurt you from the beginning? I don’t know how you love me and it’ll always remain a mystery. Where do you get such a love for a woman like me? Part of loving you means I have to love me, but what I don't get is how you can even start to wrap your arms around me. My skin was made of thorns and my tears of acid. Nothing good comes from anything I touch, so truly how do you love me so much? I want to love you, feel your warm touch, but I don't understand how you don’t see my scars or the damage I’ve caused. It’s as though you look past it all and see me clean and whole. I will never understand the true depths of your soul. How can one obtain a love like this? Is it long term or just a season to show me I can have a reason? That’s what scares me the most, I truly don’t know. I hope you’d never leave, but that’s the thing they always do. So I have put up this wall but I don’t want to, I want to love you just as you love me. I thought I was incapable of being loved, so this is all new to me, everything. The more you love me the more I start to pull away. I just want to know why you love me because it doesn’t seem quite possible. Even my parents turned their backs on me, so why you of all people choose a person like me to pour into? I wish I knew the answer, hopefully, I get it one day soon.

Momma Ann