Understandably misunderstood

When it comes to love and marriage, some will have a list. Others will just go with the flow. I was the go with the flow type. I never really had given much thought of what I wanted my husband to look like. Over time, I really wasn't excited about marriage. I was getting older, trying to establish myself but I didn't see myself settled down and playing wife and mommy. But somewhere along the line of life, I became a wife and a mother. I can only assume that growing up a military brat assisted in my adaption for my new life. Because I took it seriously.

The day that I became a mother, I became a new person with a new mission in life. I did the same when I became someones wife. I became a new person. I gave it my all. I sacrificed my everything for my family. I put myself last in many situations. I pushed my husband my kids to be the best version of them possible. I supported their dreams and desires. I worked extra hard so that my family didn't stress. I spent many sleepless nights contemplating solutions for problems we had. It was for this very reason, I was still hurt. I still am. I still lack the understanding and inability to process the actions of others.

During my lifespan of development, I would come to accept my genuine ability to understand and sympathize with others. I would learn that I am an empath, which would explain my many days of emotional draining. The Virgo in me would automatically solve problems. The mother in me would want to to heal everyone. Which is why I never understood how I could endure so much pain from someone I had given every ounce of love in me.

If there was a time when I found that I couldn't love my husband, I searched for love. I had refused to let his actions be the reason I couldn't love him. For every ugly trait, there was two more beautiful things about him. When others felt that we weren't compatible, I saw similarities. I saw the best in him when many only saw that I deserved better. I was always optimistic, looking for the better, the silver lining. I always had faith. I always loved him because I made the choice to love him. Which is why the pain is worse than death itself.

I have many mixed feelings about the other woman. A part of me understands her love and need for my husband. He told her lies and she trusted him. She was vulnerable and he took advantage of it. I understand the want for a father for her children. The desire to have her own husband. I relate to the power you feel when you feel as though you've won, that you are the better person, the ultimate choice, the prize. Cheerleaders add to the competition and it gives you the strength to fight harder. And while I can understand the woman that is the director of daily pain, I still don't understand. The mother of a guy I used to date one told me she was a woman first. Those words have always stayed with me. I am a mother and a wife but before any of that I am a woman. A woman who couldn't cause this kind of pain on another woman or children. I am a woman who couldn't settle for inflicting pain on anyone else no matter who it is. And I wouldn't allow for anyone else to do it to someone else. Because karma is real. Because what you put into the universe, you will receive it back. Because God doesn't allow you to hurt His children that love and honor Him. So I never understood how someone could inflict pain on another while gratifying God or the universe.

Loyalty is defined as a strong feeling of support or allegiance. It's also defined as faithfulness to commitments or obligations. Today's loyalty is an action used loosely. Today's loyalty is based on popularity and association with the fear of disassociation. There's no loyalty to basic humanity, right or wrong, ethics rather its biblical or one of the many karmic laws, putting others first, sticking with them in good times and bad. Loyalty is honesty and being supportive. But we choose being supportive or a decision even if it's wrong and hurtful to others, because our "loyalty" is to the one we deem closest to us. The basis of our loyalty decision determines if we are true to ourselves and to our values.

I've been placed in situations where my loyalty was questioned. My actions were out of hurt and confusion, but didn't determine my loyalty. And in order to have a clear conscious, I've had to amend my wrongs. Many haven't accepted it but I can rest easy knowing that I have been and still on a mission to right my wrongs because I do know that I am a loyal person. You see even after I've been abandoned and ignored, I've chosen to remain loyal. Which is why I can't understand the misunderstood.

In a world of selfishness, pain is like water handed out a restaurant without a lemon. Someone's pain equals someones else's happiness. This new age world has become a dominant world of self resilience. Society teaches us that it's okay to no longer fight for whats right unless it's popular. We bandwagon a statement without understanding it. We justify questionable behavior by any means necessary. Which is why I understand the misunderstood.

She could never understand the pain she caused to a family because her family is happy. She could never understand the questionable behavior of another pained female. She could never look at him the way that I did, the way our kids did. She could never understand because she doesn't want to understand. Understanding could mean being aware, honest, an empath, regretful, forgiving, and understanding.