You knew

You knew of me before I knew of you. You knew. You watched me afar. You knew. You watched me love him. You knew. You watched my family. You knew. You knew my mannerisms. You knew. You knew what you knew from watching me. You knew. From what he told you. You knew. You knew how my children loved their father. You knew. You knew we were a family. You knew. You knew we spent holidays with our extended family. You knew. You knew how his family loved our kids. You knew. You knew how we loved them. You knew. And still it didn’t stop you. And yet you knew.

I know you knew because I am you. We are them. All women want to know who the new woman, past woman or current woman is. Is she pretty? Is she prettier than me? Is she funny? Is she loving? Do people like her? Does he love her? Does he still love her? What makes him love her? Why does he stay? How can I be better than her? At some point we all have performed our own investigations. And it is because of that, I know that you knew. That’s the thing about social media. It doesn’t give you the complete picture. It gives you what we want you to see. So you thought you knew me, us. You knew.

In our new age of watching everyone else, we tend to fantasize about the glitz and glamour of the online world. We conform to the beliefs, bullying, loving, categorizing, chastising, and teachings of our new way of life. All morals become obsolete to complete happiness. We no longer glorify what's right because it may bring our popularity down. If it doesn’t generate enough likes, then it can’t be right. It can’t be true. Grandma’s warnings mean nothing to a meme created to justify bad behavior. Our parenting is steered by online advice that isn’t validated by family or friends anymore. But yet, you knew.

When many told me that he wasn’t my type, I chose to lead with my heart. I developed a love for whom many didn’t believe in or encourage. I, too, thought I was the better person. I was the best and finest girlfriend. I was the smartest and most caring. I wanted better for us both. But mostly for him. And I would push him to accomplish things others hadn’t even thought was necessary. I placed him in positions to be a provider, a lover, a father, a husband. I put him and his kids above me so many times. You could never know to what extent I extorted myself. But yet, you knew.

You see, you parade, he’s better with you. But he’s better because of me. You see, I wasn’t just a wife that he begged me to be. I was a therapist, a teacher, a lover, a prayer warrior, an encourager, a cook, a negotiator, an accountant, a financial analyst, a supporter, a listening ear, an attorney, a doctor, a mediator, an advocate, a rider and the list goes on. I take being a wife and mother seriously. Just like any other title handed to me by default or choice. I prayed over my husband every night, including the nights when I didn’t know how or if I even wanted to. There were many nights I would lay awake and watch him sleep because I couldn’t talk to him or I didn’t want to stress him, or the pain was so unbearable, I thought I was having a heart attack. I would search for the words that would penetrate his soul into understanding me. But yet, you knew.

All those times you answered his call or you called him even though he had a wife, you knew. The times you laid down with him even though he had a wife, you knew. When you cooked for him, even though he had a wife, you knew. When he laughed with your kids, even though he had his own, you knew. But yet you knew.

The pain of defeat, embarrassment, shame and lost love is like watching the sand slowly leak to the bottom of a sand timer. Your soul slowly evaporates at a pain that not even morphine can eliminate. An induced coma can’t surpass the time until happiness again. Your shattered heartbeat is like the ringing in your ears when a bullet is shot directly past your ears. Your body is in existence however your soul is in space wandering the 9 planets and million of stars. Your eyes are blinded by the rays of a sun that doesn’t warm you as it shines it’s light on you. Your mouth feels like it is kissing the Flaming Mountain after being dehydrated for years. People tell you that time heals, but that’s only to make you feel better. It’s not true. The pain never goes away. It does become somewhat bearable, but it doesn't go away. When you truly love someone, the pain is unbearable and for an eternity. But yet, you knew.

So the next time her man wants to have a harmless conversation with you, remember you knew. The next time your friends coerce you into doing the unethical, remember you knew. The next time that any man will do, remember you knew. When you shed the very tears I’ve had to share, remember you knew. When you’re praying for it all to end, remember you knew. When your daughters come crying to you, remember you knew. When your sunny days are fading away, remember you knew. When you find yourself in every place that I was in, the good and the bad, remember you knew. When you finally realize our ole faithful friend, Karma, comes around, remember you knew.