Undercover Racist

That’s what I call them, undercover racist. I was raised by a racist family. I was raised in a town where I never saw a black person until my mom sneakily showed me the movie Roots when I was young. That movie changed years of generational racism, because when you grow up in a racist environment that is all you know, which is what my parents experienced but my mom was ending that with me. Thank God my mother showed me that movie, I was engrossed, I felt it, I was so deeply moved by it so much so that I was sick over it. I was repulsed, angry and so despondently sad that at the age of 7 I learned yet again, humanity was “pain”. That is the greatest gift a mother could give their child, expanding their hearts and souls and seeing the injustices in the world. I’m not sure why she showed me that movie. It would be many years that I would be witness to the injustices that some people faced because of the color of their skin.

I left my town at 18 and moved to NYC. One of my roommates was black; she was the first black person I met. I recall her asking me if I was comfortable with her being black. I didn’t really grasp what she was asking. We had the same unique name funny enough, I thought that was awesome, not that she was black but that we had the same name. One night we went to a swanky lounge I often went to. On this night the doormen completely ignored me. When I tried to get his attention there was no one else at the red velvet rope but my roommate and I, so I was confused. I mentioned who was expecting me, knowing they would never turn me away once I mentioned his name. They went inside and came back out and said he wasn’t there. I knew this was not true and still didn’t understand. My roommate touched my arm and calmly said, “come on let’s go”. I looked at her dumbfounded yet angry as I was figuring out what had just happened. I kept looking back at the red velvet rope. I looked to her and kept quietly asking “why won’t they let us in?”, but I knew it was because she was black.

We went to get a taxi on Park Avenue, not one available taxi would stop, I was baffled yet again. My friend stood back against the wall of a building and said, “call a taxi now”, one stopped in less than a minute, I opened the door to get in slowly for her to catch up and we entered the car and gave our address. We were silent in the car, we were silent back at home, we were silent until I said, “but I don’t understand”. She said confidently, calmly, and as if a general statement, “they didn’t want a n--- in there.” I felt like a sword went through me. I felt the injustice deeply yet again. The same feeling that I had when I saw Roots at 7 years old.

Through the years I have seen injustice in the world. I have seen it and I have felt it deeply within my own mixed family and with my gorgeous group of friends of every color. I don’t care if you are purple or green if you have an evolved beautiful soul (just don’t try to kill me if you are an alien) - you belong in this world. I want you in my world and I hope you accept me, the white girl that was of different color or ethnic background in former lives. I worry about my nieces, my nephews, my friends’ children, my friends of different color, ethnicities, and religions. I worry because the world is not awake enough yet, it is not just about evolving through healing generations but to me it’s back to how WE were originally ALL born, human. We were all born human, were we not?

One night while having dinner with my friend Brad he said, “you don’t see color, it’s like you were raised by black folk”, I laughed and said, “Bradley, my father was one of the biggest undercover racists, but inside my home and when amongst family and friends, I heard the n word often”. It gave me a physical discomfort even back then and while I don’t hear it often that doesn’t mean the undercovers are not thinking it and teaching it. I told my friend that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I still mean it.

I heard a story the other day of a first date. A first and last date. While sitting at the restaurant the woman felt the need to tell the man something, this is where you wait for something major like, “um I need to tell you I’m married”, something shocking right? She simply said, “I need to tell you that I am Jewish”. This is not shocking, it’s simply a fact, yet she felt the need to tell the other person. I am glad it was said, because now this woman knows he’s a racist before more of her precious time was wasted, although I am so disappointed the words had to be said or even mattered. This man’s response is what has unleashed another layer of deep anger for this is despicable on many levels and is obviously racism.

The response was, “Oh, you are one of them”. I stopped listening after I heard those words and said, “What did you say?” My friend repeated this and said, “Can you believe that?” No, frankly I cannot; however; I don’t know why I am still so surprised by this. I asked what this person did - did they get up and leave immediately and recoil? No, they did not, I said, “WHAT?” She was apparently in shock. What’s incredible is this racist continued to speak about “those people” when my God one of them was his date! Who is this guy? I want to arrange a date with this man (everyone knows I do not date and will never touch a dating app) but for this, I will not only go on the date, I will tell this man my daughter is Jewish and I want to know what does, “one of them” actually mean; I want to break it down to what it is he was taught from a young age because if someone doesn’t ask him or others, there will never be change. Even if my daughter was not Jewish, I still would be on fire.

My 13-year-old does not see color, I do not see color, my ex-husband is Jewish, and his best friend is Muslim, this is beautiful. Again, this is remarkable as I was raised in a racist home, but that movie Roots changed my life. I told a friend I was so sad by what is happening in the world, and she said don’t be sad, be angry. We need white voices to be enraged by this and join. I cried and I said yes, I am furious, and I am beside you and in front of you demanding equality as if I am black Jewish purple Muslim or green. I am championing with you because we are all human and this is equality. My daughter brought up a good point: it’s the parents’ fault, she said. She doesn’t see a problem in her school, but I reminded her we live in a primarily “white” town and the undercover racists are doing their damage as I type. She explained in the days of slavery white people had never seen a black person. Our discussion went on deeper in terms of Native American Indians, of Jewish people and the Holocaust, people with handicaps seen and unseen, and I shared with her my own parents and their racism and explained that I always knew it was wrong and yet I had never seen a black person until the age of 7 on TV. This caused her to question the ideas of Thanksgiving, the Holocaust, and slavery on a much deeper level and the indescribable abuse and injustice to another human being based upon the color of their skin or ethnic background. I am so proud of that because again my daughter is a force and stands for equality with her acceptance of all. She too is learning.

When she was 8 years old, the students had to attempt to rank 4 famous people in order of importance. The lesson was on teaching students to look at a person's life and how they can initiate change can have a lasting impact on society. My daughter volunteered to rank the 4 individuals in front of the class. She ranked Rosa Parks and Jackie Robinson in front of Thomas Edison and said, "I would rather live in the dark than live with segregation." I’m not sure I could ever be prouder.

Yin and Yang is Black and White

Black and White create Gray

Gray is a neutral color, this is balance

Balance is needed for neutrality

Neutrality is equality with both

Equality is created by the balance of neutrality of

Yin and Yang, this is black and white

The simplicity and accuracy of this is astonishing to me that still we cannot be what was originally intended, human beings in bursts of color and ideals because the world would certainly be a boring place to be without variety and explosions of lives lived.

I wonder if my deep emotions of injustice of the world of any kind is due to the injustice of my own history. My intent is to continue to use my layers of adversity to show the other side of that fear. My intent is to share my message with the world. My intent is to continue to raise my daughter knowing we are all the same, bones, flesh, blood, brains, and body organs, all the same. Where is the disconnect or should I say, discomfort of this simplicity. I didn’t think I had a right to express this on paper yet as my friend said I have every right and the fact I am white and raised within a racist home and live amongst the undercovers, I have every right to announce loud and clear I will not tolerate it, ever.

Ps. I am so relieved to report my parents evolved and it took work which means it’s not only possible its obtainable and it all starts with what we model for our children in this world and that is how I intend to make change in this world so we can heal generations of ignorance.