Traumas for Lifetimes

About 5 years ago if someone would have asked me what kind of childhood I had I would have said average, or okay. Now though when asked how my childhood was and I began to tell childhood stories they said "That's child abuse." Who knew? I grew up in the 70's, and 80's. We pretty much were to be seen and not heard. We went outside in the morning and came home when the street lights came on and we fended for ourselves during the hours in between.

Nobody really asked where we were or what we were doing and especially not who we were with. We did as we pleased and then came home, ate was what on the stove or made something ourselves then went off to bed. I grew up in a religious household, we went to church every Sunday. My parents were not affectionate. Nobody told each other they loved each other. We got yelled at if we didn't believe the same beliefs and if we didn't relent and just agree, we were told the individual wanted to die.

I don't know how my brothers decided to work around that but our parents got divorced, we continued to get to suffer through the yelling, the depression, the worry, doubt, growing up way to fast, being forced to be silent when we wanted to tell our truths. We did grow up though and we are pretty great people despite it all.

I have had a lifetime of making wrong choices, choosing to people please instead of speak up and please myself instead. Agreeing to everything and anything just because I don't want to make the other person upset at me. Betraying myself again, and again to make others happy.

I thought for sure that I would outgrow it all, turn 18 and move on where I could have a life that I could speak up for myself, state my opinion. Have love and a great family. My young adult life started out pretty good and for 10 years life was good, until my insecurities and inabilities got the best of me and I ruined that lifetime. Everything happens for a reason and I've come to terms with what happened and my part in it.

Then began the second adult lifetime. I was married again this time adding another child to the mix as well. That relationship started out really well until we were married. Seems that from that day on my relationship was doomed. This was the lifetime that changed my mind for the next 18 years. I was brainwashed to want to die and began fighting suicide.

During this time in my mind I was just going along raising kids and building a life with my family. The reality was that I got told that dinner was either too early, or too late. It wasn't good enough. I was called a gold digger when I went grocery shopping and paid the bills. Yet it was up to me to do those chores for our family.

He worked, all the time. I worked off and on and took care of the kids, house, and yard myself, although he did help in the yard every now and then. He would text me at work that I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Couldn't do anything right and was just a worthless gold digger. The mind believes what it is told, and when they said that words don't hurt they were oh so wrong. Bruises would have been better. Bruises heal with no effort on my part.

I was done when I talked to his girlfriend or rather the customer he had started seeing. We fought for a few months and then he finally left and it was the greatest weight off my shoulder. I had never felt such relief. The divorce went on for about 3 years and then I was finally free to live my own life free of the abuse I had suffered. Again I didn't know I had suffered abuse. I did know that I had been diagnosed with Graves Disease and they said I had to be under great stress to have that kick in at such a young age. The medicine for that disease made me sicker than having the disease in the first place.

Thus ended another lifetime and began another. I had just spent 3 years alone, with my kids. They watched me through it all. The good the bad, the lack the bounty. Up and down we went and finally I started the next lifetime. This time with what I had hoped was my twin flame or at least a soul mate. Instead it was yet another lesson.

Another 4 years of my life left to get thrown to the darkest pit I'd ever seen. Completely lost, broken, hurting, friendless, without a voice, without self esteem, without a thought in the world for myself I started clawing my way back up. I had kids to take care of and a house to pay for and nobody gets to tell me who I am.

I clawed to the top and fixed my brain, put all the bills in my name and started living my own life. This time it didn't go away. I felt no relief. I woke at all hours of the night screaming and crying. Tears soaking my pillows, my eyes swollen and my throat dry. The physical pain was unreal and months of mylife are lost to me. I don't remember anything although I kept paying bills and taking care of kids and home so I guess it went okay. I sought help and was taken to a mental hospital that could help. They let me go home but signed me up for Intense Outpatient Program. It was a 12 week program that they graduated me from after 4 weeks because I had rewired my brain and was trying to take on everyone's pain and trauma. I just wanted to help. I learned so much about myself and one of those things is that I'm an empath and that began my Journey of self discovery and healing.

I realize I have glossed over many things like slitting my wrist and the smirk on his face while he watched but it's because I am wanting to write about my journey of healing and not the abuse that brought it about. Maybe another time. With the tools I learned in therapy I began hating myself less and loving myself more. I began forgiving easier and giving myself some grace. I learned I had lived a life time in fight or flight most likely causing brain damage from the high chemicals always in my brain from the abuse.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Depression, Borderline suicidal tendancies, and a couple other things that aren't as bad and I don't remember. They all made me feel bad. But at least I didn't want to kill myself anymore. Why though is it even the only choice. You can take all the drugs and deal with all the side effects, or you can heal your trauma.

I had been watching the journey of another soul. We had never met but were instead friends on the book of faces. She was amazing what she had gotten through and she always was completely honest and forthright with what she was doing to better her life. I was intrigued. I was on my journey a newbie, just learning I could speak my truth and that in fact it was preferred? Who knew?

I had my first Shaman healing from my friend on book of faces and she cut the cord to the most cruel and awful person I'd ever met. I didn't know what to expect but what happened was amazing. My body stiffened my hands clenched into fists and it physically hurt, until it was gone. I almost stopped her and I'm so glad I did not. There were tears of pain, tears of joy, tears of sadness, but that gaping hole in my chest that had been pusing and pulling at me for four years was gone.

It hasn't returned although I still have to have that same cord cut every month when I have my Shaman. It hasn't hurt since the first time but it made me a believer. I already knew so many things that are coming to me now but remembering is a wonderful sensation. Memories throughout my lifetime always popping up to be seen and taken care of. Emotions and feelings to sift through and apoligies and forgiving to be done.

None of us really know what we are doing and I hear there is no wrong way to do it because we are just Universe/God incarnate into billions of souls having a human experience. We are an experiment essentially. I think I always knew it. But I believe because I have felt it first hand. Don't come at me with It was God because I believe in the Universe but it's all the same thing. It is all love and that is all I got from the Bible. Love each other , and be good to each other. But we don't do that because we are blind. At least most of us are blind and the rest are trying hard as hell to wake everyone else so we can all be on the same page.

I have had 12 Shaman healings so far and retrieved 3 pieces of my soul. I have changed 12 contracts that now are for everyones good but protect me first. I no longer sacrifice myself for everyone else and I'm learning to speak up for what I need and want in life. I am Single, I pay my own bills and take care of myself.

I have learned to stand up for myself. I have learned to love myself. I have respect for myself and have conquered so much alone that I know I am a Queen and I am not ashamed to say so. You want me to let you in and expect to be the King then I will be treated as a Queen or you can keep on moving. No care to give anymore.

I have recently decided that I am a being of light and so nothing that happens to me really matters. Energy doesn't die it just changes form. I am magic in my pure form and I only have to remember to make that same magic here in my own life. I will remember and fulfill my purpose here in this lifetime so can move forward and not have to live through the same lessons. I have learned so much. I've also learned to put up boundaries, not be afraid to hold those boundaries, and to be alright with my life and where it is without worrying about what others think about it.

In fact what others think about me is not my problem. I don't care or need to know. I have my own stuff to do and think about. My own traumas to heal from and my own crap to get over. I don't have time to be in another persons circus or the energy to worry about what anyone thinks about it. I have lived through hell and I have come back every time top.

The journey may have just began but it gets better each time I rise, each time I remember, and each time I love. That's what it is all about. That is what I want to shout from the mountain tops, "Healing isn't for the weak but it is definitely worth it.