Buried in the darkness

Do you ever notice that every time a chapter of your life ends you seem to have a period of time alone. Going through emotions. Sometimes sad, angry, grieving, happiness, meloncholy, loneliness, etc.

There was one point that I was buried so deep I don't remember months of my life. I thought I'd never find my way. But I did. I clawed, I cried, I feared, I climbed, I slid, I cried, I climbed. I rested and wondered if I'd ever find myself again, and if I did would I like myself?

The first me, the small one, was always scared, always worried and knew she wasn't what was wanted or expected. She wasn't obedient enough. She had thoughts that didn't fit. She was always questioning why things were as they were. What the purpose of many things were, actually, but was always told that it was just that way.

She didn't believe in things she was told over and over to believe in. Truths, she was told. She didn't believe them because they made no sense. A man in the sky ruling a kingdom of clouds? A devil in the deepest darkness that ruled a kingdom of souls that didn't obey the man in the clouds. Umm no she didn't believe. I know that isn't the whole story because I have read the book. Twice.

Still no. When she started school she thought that was stupid too. She didn't want to waste away in a building learning to obey she wanted to be exploring rivers and finding rocks and listening to trees. She wanted to lay in the field with her friends and look at the clouds and wonder about the world. She wanted to watch for falling stars and question the Universe for answers. She wanted to plant flowers and watch them grow. Not sit in a dusty old building being told more "truths" she didn't agree with and wasn't there to see for herself.

That girl grew into a new flower. The little girl gone, blooming into a young adult, trying to navigate the world as it was seen, felt, and told. They didn't match. Too many things that were told one way and behaved another way. Politics, Religion, Education. Who made this crap up? She still didn't believe it but by this time had been told she couldn't have an opinion so many times I just tried not to have an opinion.

The black sheep. She never fit in. She had friends all over and none at all. Some days she was right there with people to learn and grow with but each change of season brought new people and nobody really stuck . She navigated alone and did okay. When she was left alone she read book after book, getting lost in their stories. She typed stories of her own and wrote endless stories and poems. She journaled every day though didn't really know why. She loved to go for walks and stare endlessly at the sky in day or night hours. Always wanting to look at the clouds or the stars. The sun ruled her sign, and the moon intrigued her endlessly, it's ghostly glow beckoning her. They say it isn't real though, just hiding other beings.

She grew and she learned that she could take care of herself, she fell in love and moved, starting to bloom into another life. That life went down a lot of different paths with twists and turns and highs and lows but it ended too, leaving her a grown up human with small children to care for. She didn't know how to be a mother. See she knew the things she was taught and those werent the things she was lacking. Communication, self esteem, boundaries, these were all things that were foreign to her. She wasn't allowed privacy, a voice, an opinion. She wasn't allowed her own beliefs so she had kept them down and was now able to be a mother which she loved but was making up the rules as she wanted.

She didn't set curfews or expectations. She loved openly and made sure she said it every day. She gave her all to her family and focused on taking care of them. As one life ended and another began she noticed that her usual calm mind and soul suddenly was always on edge. She jumped when she heard the car door and would cringe when she got a text because it meant that she probably breathed wrong again.

She was told repeatedly about her down falls and problems. She wasn't this that or the other and she would never have better so she should just stop hoping for more. There was words said but actions never taken. Nothing was ever good enough for anyone and she finally had enough and ended that lifetime as well.

That time starting a new lifetime wasn't hard at all. It was easy like a load of weight had been removed and now she was floating. Happier already from the moment of the breeze from the shutting of the door. Not knowing was still hard and being alone trying to make ends meet was hard. If only I knew then what I know now.

She was in a dark place again, along with her children, then just like that they popped out and things were shinier. Things weren't so hard and laughter was heard again, that is when the next lesson came. He came hard and innocently waving his red flags. The secret though, he was her first love. She fell for him before she ever knew him and when she saw him she stated " I love him" and went back to her school work. Fast forward about three lifetimes and here he was again.

She heard her intuition tell her no but she didn't even listen just interrupted and said I see them (the read flags) but I'm different, He'll love me because I've loved him my entire life time. The Universe chuckled and said "Really? Do you think? Let's see. "

For the first couple years she thought things were really good then suddenly like a light was switched she was thrown right back into the same pit of darkness only this time she was even lower somehow. She had been discarded like someones old trash. Lost at the bottom of nothing and begging God to take her.

She found quiet one day. She lay in it and wondered why she was still there. It was warm. It smelled of earth and star. It was warm and familiar and nurtured and held and loved. She stretched out and found she had grown she stretched further and found that it was light. It was warm and sunny and the wind made her dance and bees buzzed lightly in her ear. She had bloomed again.

She clawed her way out and stretched to the sky. New again she made new goals and started taking steps to get her goals met. She knew that she must take steps as well and meet the Universe half way. She was working hard to make her life better, for herself and those around her the days passed and turned into years.

One day as though not a day had passed he slithered right back in. Like he had never left. The onslaught continued but the cycle ends with me. I won't live a life that you tell me to live. I won't stay around while you degrade and abuse me. Now I stand for me.

She is me and now I have just bloomed into a shiny new life. I am not sure where it is headed but I suppose it's always unchartered and if I look back it does get me some where so I don't regret the lessons I've learned although I still have my moments of wondering what could have been and how much better things could have been for my kids.

If only someone had taught me to meditate. To plant a garden that would flourish. To collect water from the rain. To build a motor and care for it. Work on a basic car skills and paint, write, love, help others. Live life instead of survive it.

I've had it wrong for so long. We create our own life by choosing to create it and being on the correct frequency to receive. It's a co creation kindof thing so you tell the Universe what you want to happen and it makes it happen. I'm new to manifesting but I think I'm at least starting to get passed the logistics of it all.

I saw the coolest what could only be called a dragon in the sky today. It was of course a cloud but we all know that is just cloaking. I some days wish they would just incloak all at once and let the world see the dimension of divine love and light. I know I sound like a hippie at a Dead head show but the truth of it is I can really believe whatever I like because it is what I am making of it. I am the creator of my life.

I give myself a clean slate because I have healing done from several traumas and have gained some of my soul back so lets see what its like to have better. Lets see what it's like to have the other side of the coin where things are easy and I am loved. Where I can enjoy life and go places and do things and have a companion to share the shenanigans.

Maybe someday Ill not only find my love but I'll have the freedom I am seeking. Til then I'll keep on going to the end. Always taking another foot forward and keeping up my boundaries and speaking my truth. I dont have to care what anyone else thinks because I have just as much right being here as any other soul