Transform Relationships Through Conversational Dashboards

Interaction is a fickle beast. We’ve all suffered through exchanges leaving us more confused or disconnected than before. Two people talk past each other, failing to connect meaningfully. Or hollow small talk saps the spirit.

Yet we know inspirational dialogue is possible too. Conversations that yield piercing insights and unexpected revelations. Exchanges where two minds meld into one — collaborators in the quest for truth.

What accounts for this stark variance in the quality of conversations? Why do some uplift our understanding, while others muddle thinking or breed apathy?

The key determinants lie in intention, presence, and openness. Truly enlightening conversations require focused awareness, deep listening, and a genuine desire to understand — not just be understood. Each participant must act as a student, not just a teacher.

Superficial chatter strains for likability and affirmation of existing biases. It arises from disconnected distraction, not a joint commitment to exploring unfamiliar terrain.

But sincerely seeking another’s authentic perspective — even conflicting views — while offering your own in return can unlock breakthroughs. A spirit of discovery enlightens; rigidity and ego obscure.

The difference lies in our conversational gearshift. Stanford psychologist Bob Sutton developed a simple but illuminating model of the 3 levels of conversation:

• Transactional — Exchanging information
• Positional — Advocating our views
• Transformational — Discovering new perspectives

Like driving a manual transmission car, we often get stuck in first gear, revving our conversational engines without going far. Shifting into higher gears requires intention, emotional intelligence, and skill. The payoff is deeply connecting with others’ humanity.

Let’s examine the hallmarks of each gear and how to excel:

First Gear. Transactional

This entry-level exchange is focused on efficient information transfer — delivering facts, confirming logistics, providing updates.

There is little emphasis on relationship building. We expect questions to be answered at face value without reading between the lines.

This mode serves an important logistical function. It ensures we stay informed, aligned on tasks, and accomplish goals without getting bogged down in subtext. Think briefing your team on a new project plan.

But relationship gurus Michael Benoliel and Tim Street caution, “Great connections are seldom forged through transactions alone.” Overusing this gear stunts intimacy, trust, and understanding.

Mastering the nuances of transactional conversation still improves its quality:

• Make eye contact, nod, and smile to affirm you are fully engaged.
• Ask clarifying questions to ensure accurate comprehension.
• Provide enough context and detail; don’t assume shared knowledge.
• Express appreciation for others’ time and contribution. Small courtesies matter.

Second Gear. Positional

Here we shift from purely informational exchange to advocacy and negotiation. We promote our opinions, needs, and interests.

Sutton notes positional conversation revolves around “ascertaining whether you can win an argument or wrestle a concession from the other person.”

There is greater emotional investment but also more jockeying for status. Tensions may bubble up.

When overused, this adversarial stance entrenches differences. Egos clash in a zero-sum game.

But positional conversation is essential for healthy debate of ideas. And advocating your viewpoint builds self-efficacy. The key is balance.

Upgrade your positional conversing through:

• Listening first to understand the other’s position deeply before responding.
• Finding common ground and values upfront. We’re often more aligned than debates reveal.
• Asking curious rather than combative questions. Probe assumptions and reasoning without attacking.
• Conceding points where the other makes a fair case. Let go of needing to “win.”

Third Gear. Transformational

Here communication transcends mere information transfer or persuasion. We reveal our authentic experiences, values, hopes and fears.

The goal is to learn, gain empathy, and forge mutual understanding through vulnerability and courageous honesty. We lean into tensions that arise.

Transformational conversations require humility, emotional intelligence, and high trust to navigate sensitively. But the reward is uncovering our shared humanity.

This elevated mode enables:

• Intellectual stimulation through exposure to diverse perspectives, enriches our thinking.
• Emotional intimacy by confiding in painful stories and cherished dreams that bring us closer.
• Fresh insight into solving stale debates by reframing them altogether.
• Reinforcing identity and purpose through meaning-making.

Shifting into transformational gear takes skill Sutton distils as COIN:

• Candor — Being transparent and vulnerable.
• Openness — Listening without judgment and sharing air time.
• Interpersonal Humility — Letting go of ego; being equally open to influence.
• Novelty — Fostering creativity by hearing and building on ideas.

Transformational conversation represents the apex of human connection and innovation. At its heart, this gearshift is about rediscovering shared humanity. Even amid differences, we elevate each other.

Time to Upgrade Your Conversational Drive

Like any skill, flexing between gears takes patience and practice — but the rewards are exponential.

As organizational mediator Diane Musho Hamilton puts it, “You have access to conversational technology that can start wars or create peace. How are you using your instruments?”

So take the time to diagnose your habitual conversational patterns. Are you stuck in transmit mode or advocacy? Become intentional about gear shifting, whether one-on-one or in teams.

Listen deeply. Find common ground. Have the courage to be vulnerable and real. The bonds built will enrich every dimension of your life.

© Buzzedison

Get step-by-step game plans to secure funding, build efficient systems, and scale your business the smart way delivered to your inbox weekly.

First posted on Medium