Tragic Passion & Toxic Love: Part 2

A few years go by, and I had sadly fallen out too many times with Taylor's sisters. Those are all long, and widely misinterpreted stories I've buried away because I love them no matter what, but may one day will elaborate on. So I don't have anyone on social media, until one day Taylor adds me and I was elated. I had really missed him because he wasn't just my crush or boyfriend but he was a wonderful friend to me. The girls added me shortly thereafter. Shannon first and again I was so happy because she and I had once been attached at the hip. Taylor and I started catching up, and it didn't take long for us to be texting everyday all day long. One night, I decided to go and hang out with everyone at their new place. It was a lot of fun and I was so happy to have rekindled my friendships with the family and even Wisly too! I also met Taylor's other friend Galilee for the first time that night. I slept over with his mom's permission, I totally planned to sleep in his room, and I don't need to say what happened after the doors all shut, I mean it's quite obvious. But we were just friends and being young.

Fast forward another few months... I had continued the friendship with benefits with Taylor and the friendships with the girls over that time. We had strong feelings for each other but I was not just far too immature to be serious with someone at that time. One day, I get a devastating Facebook invitation. His brother had passed... Immediately I offered my condolences to him and his family and made arrangements to be present at the memorial to offer my love and support. I walked in and the first person I saw was his mom, my "Miss K" who I grew to truly admire and love and I absolutely hated seeing her in so much pain and distress, it broke my heart but I didn't know how to respond properly apart from hugging her, and even in the worst kind of tears, she asks me how my own mother is. I actually laughed because I couldn't believe she would think I'd want to say anything to her other than how sorry I was or how much I loved her and her family, but all I said was she was good, but it wasn't important right then. I decided it was best to give her space so I walk in the main room and the pain of seeing Miss K heartbroken wasn't like seeing Taylor turn around as I walked in, with tears rolling down his cheeks and in that moment, things I didn't even know I had inside of me, and things I still don't understand, completely changed. When I saw that, I started crying and never wanted to see it again, I wanted to fix it by any means necessary because I felt angry, enraged, and terrified that this guy I'd felt so many different emotions for over 8 years for, was hurting, and that was out of the question for me. I believe that's the true moment when I first fell in love with him. I chose to hang out for the rest of the night and it was a great choice, as I got to meet more of the family, and hear some hilarious stories about the one family member I regrettably never got to meet. Naturally, Taylor, Wisly, and I stayed together throughout the entire night and yes, eventually he and I made it to the "elephant in the room" about our history, and talked about possibly still having feelings for each other. That conversation ended with us lip locked, tongues intertwined, blissfully... meanwhile Wisly, our favorite third wheel awkwardly standing 15 or so feet away interrupted us with his whistling. We could always count on him for moments like that, moments that thinking back on, were truly wonderful. When I left, my mom picked me up, and as soon as we drove away, I missed him so painfully that it made me cry and I knew I was ready for a real relationship. But, I was NOT ready for what level of relationship came. Neither of us were. All I knew, was that I had eyes for one person after so many years, and I had so much care for him that it was truly painful, but what I thought was the kind of pain that actually felt orgasmic. That should have shown me that maybe I should have gone about it slower, or differently... but I was young, impatient, impulsive, and dumb as a bag of rocks if I'm being honest. I told him how I felt, and our relationship began. I cannot, nor will not speak on his side of "us", I can only say my feelings, and my memories as this is from my perspective. In the beginning, I was possessive I'll admit, I was jealous of his friends because he spent so much time with them, and not long after we became "official", they started bullying me on Twitter but trying to be slick about it because they didn't like me, and Taylor claimed to be happy with me and have no part in their sudden distaste for me. It wasn't until later on he admitted he told them he wanted to end things out of fear because of my track record, how I would always end up hurting him the same way. Thinking I wanted to be with him, and then deciding I didn't after making him fall hard each time. I understand his fear, but I was very serious and I believe I showed him that enough, either way, after having Galilee call me too ugly for Taylor publicly, he and I became basically mortal enemies, and after confronting Wisly about his role in it where he referred to me, again publicly, as "trash" asking Taylor when he'd be taking the trash out, I was officially over the pubIic and immature and extremely hurtful slander so I told Taylor he needed to put an end to it or put an end to us and he finally called off the dogs as he officially decided to trust that I was for the first time, in it for the long haul. Wisly didn't have a problem with me apart from slight jealousy, he was just doing what any best friend would, so he and I maintained a good relationship. Galilee however, caused a string of problems for Taylor and I, and it was all because he was jealous and insecure. I decided to help him instead of hold it against him by introducing him to my best friend Sarah, who was actually PERFECT for him because she didn't mind him being overweight, and she favored men of color, she gave him a real chance and he blew it immediately. Who the hell starts marriage and baby talk within days of introduction...? Sarah never spoke to him again and thus began his absolute hatred for me. He literally tried sabotaging us so often, and Taylor never TRULY stood his ground as my man like he should have. I held that against him for almost our entire relationship as it happened with multiple people, and it happened many times, and most of those times, I was a victim of bullying from someone in his life. However what mattered SO MUCH GREATER than any of that, was that he was the first person to not just stand up but actually want and eventually tried hard to make my currently anonymous villain pay for what he did to me when no one else ever even tried, he also defended me to the point of being jumped by his own family in my defense because he truly believed they were wrong, and I hadn't deserved it. Those two things changed my life forever, and I will always be grateful. Nevertheless, I was loyal, at first, I was for a short while doting, I was everything he could dreamt of sexually, but then again so was he... *sigh* I was supportive, forgiving, fun, everything I believed I had to be, and I consistently tolerated the issues his sisters would initiate, tolerate being called out of my name for no good reason, being blamed for things, judged, all the while just trying to love him, push him to do the right things including pursuing his passion, and trying to be respectful to his parents because obviously I wanted to be welcome and approved of. I didn't know the first thing about love, or respect though, and I was also unable to see myself from his or anyone else's perspectives for that matter. So thinking back on every fight, every issue, or argument, who can really say who was right or wrong? I know I definitely should have been more aware of myself and made a stronger effort to adapt to his mother's home than I did. But being that I can't change my past, I only look to my future and how I can mold it, especially with all of the knowledge and experience I've gained through this man and the entire family he brought into my life. Now, I could blame my Borderline Personality Disorder... but I won't do that. First of all, I learned from Taylor (much later on and sadly, too late) that I'm entirely in control of every single thing I do, or say, or even feel. I could have fought the things that ultimately broke a very wonderful man, I could have gotten the help I needed for almost 20 years, that help could have saved what could have been a beautiful love story. However, I was never taken to the doctors like a kid needed so I had no idea I had issues with solutions. When it comes to me, I didn't know what was what and I didn't have an ounce of energy to do something with my life. I expected him to be the "man" and basically do it all, which for a good while, he did. (for the most part...) How idiotic of me to expect that of a young man still trying to figure his own self out. To make matters worse, we were lustful morons and never used protection, one would think after having to go through something as difficult as termination, you'd learn. But no. Not us. I said this would be raw and uncut so here's the truth. I wanted a baby. A baby I got. A baby he told me so many times he did not, yet still choosing to never use protection. I don't know why I wanted it so badly... I really don't. Maybe I thought it would fill a void I'd missed my whole life, maybe I just loved Taylor so much I wanted to have his baby. All I know is I created the greatest being, the greatest thing, I could have ever created. Noah Taylor Brown was born September 12th, 2013 @ 10:39am. In order to continue this story, I feel I need to re-introduce my "mother-in-law" as she plays the largest role in our child's life now and to this day is one of the best women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, loving, and learning from, though Lord knows she's wanted to bitch slap me so many times it's not even remotely funny... and I on occasion earned it. But families get through those types of things and to me she is my family so one of the most amazing memories I have, is thanks to her because she bought us a book titled "Are You My Mother?" Taylor read it to my belly as did I a million times. Before Noah's birth, I had a Friday the 13th appointment but I was impatient and wanted my boy so I rescheduled to Wednesday the 11th. They sent me to the hospital because of high blood pressure, and found out my amniotic fluid was ruptured slightly enough that I never could have known and I needed to be induced. However, Noah Taylor was in the womb saying "nuh uhh uhhhhh I'm not coming out there!" I wasn't dilating at all and it was becoming extremely dangerous to leave him in my womb so commence surgery because I wasn't risking my son's life to follow a stupid birth plan. I had such a bad panic attack, my entire body swelled up that I looked like the staypuft marshmellow man from Ghostbusters, crying, can't breathe, I ask Taylor to recite that book to keep my mind stable enough to deliver, and he recited it. Word. For. Word. To my actual amazement and gratitude, he was able to read a book from memory, while my intestines sat on a table beside me as our first child was being taken out of my body. I thank God every single day that Noah was born and remains healthy. I still went to the ICU. But, before I end part 2, I have to tell you all one of the most magical and stunningly beautiful memories that I will always cherish regardless of the future... as Taylor held Noah in his arms while he slept, just the three of us in the room, he cried for only the third time in our entire history (two of those times were due to losing his brother), he looked at me, and sincerely thanked me for making him a daddy to our boy. So like I said, knowing the shitheads my friends deal with, Taylor might have flaws like everyone does, and we may not be meant for each other, but I am blessed.