Tough Love Can Make You Whole Again: From Denial to Raw Truth in One Session

Tough love is more loving than having your feelings spared while you keep self-sabotaging yourself.

People who tell you the truth do it to help you. The ones who spare your feelings do it to help themselves.

Meet my client, Loraine. She came in for life coaching because her life is in complete disarray.

She’s a single mother who is hoping to find a good relationship, but all the men she meets prove to be unsuited for the role. She has an important job that she hates but can’t bring herself to leave. She is surrounded by people but she feels sad and lonely.

All her friends tell her what a wonderful life she has and she thinks so too. Except that… she’s utterly unhappy.

When I dig deeper, I find out that:

1. She could easily find a job that pays just as well or even better, but the one she has now is very high status and she’s all about status.

2. The men she goes for are all married and they too have high-status jobs.

3. All her friends are yes-men who clap and cheer for whatever she says or does.

It’s a bit clearer now where her unhappiness is coming from.

I’m not the kind of coach who would make a client come into therapy over and over again if I can see that they’re not willing to do the work.

I believe in giving people the tools and helping them implement them toward a better life. So I did what none of her friends were willing to do: I told her the truth.

1. All jobs involve sacrifice.

We pay for everything in life.

If one of your values is status and position in society, you’re going to have to pay that price. More often than not, for status the price is that you can’t ever be yourself in the field where you want to have the status.

You always have to say the right things and kiss the right asses. That’s why the job is so unsatisfying, you’re not living in your truth.

2. You’ll never be happy with somebody else’s husband.

If you go for married men, how do you expect to ever get a good partner?

The overwhelming majority of men who cheat don’t leave their wives. Actually, men don’t leave their partners in general. Women initiate most breakups.

What’s more, even if you did get a man who left his marriage, why do you expect him to be a good husband or partner? He wasn’t good to his former wife, why would he be good to you?

3. Yes-men are not your friends.

They are nobody’s friends.

Sure, they feel good to be around, because they create this atmosphere of omg look how great I am, all my friends tell me so.

But you can never count on them. They’ll never point you in the right direction. Whatever you do, they’ll be there to cheer you on toward the precipice. You need honest people who actually care about you enough to ruin the atmosphere by telling you the truth.

A lot of great people of this earth surrounded themselves with yes-men and approvers just to end up poor, sick, in despair, and eventually die. Think of well-known examples in show biz like Marylin Monroe, Michael Jackson, or Elvis Presley. Their story is almost psychologically identical.

There are no magic pills to a good life. But there are some steps that some are willing to do and some aren’t.

The first one is: Stop lying to yourself! It keeps you poor and lonely!

There are some hard truths that none of us can escape:

1. Some are more privileged than you but you are also more privileged than others.

2. Nobody owes you anything. You need to work for it.

3. Life and the world is unfair to us all, to some more than others.

4. You are not in complete control of your life, but you are still completely responsible for it.

5. You’re going to age. You’re going to become ill. You’re going to die. No, you’re not invincible.

If you’re willing to accept the world the way it is, you have a chance at a good life. In the beginning, it feels bad and that’s why so few people do it. But long term it’s your best chance.

Here’s my tough love approach to helping Loraine:

You’re in this situation because of your choices. But that’s great news. Because it’s also your choices that can get you out of it.

1. Job

Decide what’s most important for you. Having an important function? Having money? Being free? Being true to yourself? You’re going to have to pay the price for any of them.

If you want high status, you’ll never be yourself. If you want a lot of money, you’ll need to work a lot of hours. If you want to be free or be true to yourself, you’ll always be misunderstood and a lone wolf.

Which of these suits you best and which price are you willing to pay to get there?

As far as I can tell, status is one of your highest values, so you are probably already in your ideal job. What we need to find out together are the exact elements that are making you unhappy and see what you can tweak so you can keep the much-coveted status but not let it drain all your energy.

2. Love

If you want a steady reliable relationship in your life, it will never come from a married man, no matter what he does for you. He’s already in another relationship, there is simply no room for you there.

The key is in choosing men who are available physically and emotionally.

Again, you’ll pay a price: if you want the allure of the high-status guy who seems to have it all, but he happens to be married, he’ll never truly be in your life. You’ll be in my chair forever, crying over lost love.

If you want the steady trustworthy reliable single guy, you’ll need to refrain yourself from the allure of the powerful married men and wait for the right one to show up. It takes determination and knowing what you truly want.

3. Friends

The people you surround yourself with, whether they are friends, lovers, or business partners, will set the tone to your life. No man is an island. No matter how independent you think you are, the ones around you influence your life, state of mind, and decisions.

Do you want the reliable friend who sometimes makes you feel bad for not being your best self or the enabler who tells you everything you want to hear but lets you drift aimlessly into the void of your own existence?

From what I can tell, you’ve let yourself be surrounded by yes-men because you didn’t even realize that’s what they were doing. And of course, it was easier.

But the road to happiness is not an easy one. You’ll need to do the hard thing and allow real people around you. Real friends, real partners. Is that a price you’re willing to pay?

Conclusion

It always comes down to the price.

There’s no cookie-cutter answer for everybody. You need to know yourself to choose for yourself. And if you’re in denial about your life, you’ll choose what sounds like the right thing to do, and then be unhappy because it doesn’t suit you.

Tough love can make you whole again, but it’s also has a high price with great results.

Are you up for the challenge?