TOO GAY FOR ME

I am a butch and I have been mistaken for being a man more times than I can count. I often wear a backwards baseball hat and when I drove a cab, especially at night, more than half of my passengers thought I was a man. I didn’t correct them. Driving a cab wasn’t always the safest and people don’t mess with men as much, so I used it to my advantage. There were a few times I heard drunk, they thought they were whispering, debates on the matter. It still amuses me. Every now and again for one reason or another, guys would realize the truth. No biggie. The awkward twist is after this revelation, they would proceed to hit on me. Wrapping my head around this one is still a challenge. What kind of a man hits on someone who you initially thought was a man? That is a different kind of gay. Where was social distancing back then? My reactions were not graceful in any kind of way and I think a decade later I would probably react differently. Before, I would make crazy comments and argue with them. I pride myself on being mature. So, if it happens again, I won’t argue, I’ll just hit ‘em in the mouth and be done with it. A lot of these situations, unfortunately, were just dramatic and usually ended in violence anyway. Skip the drama, hit and walk away like nothing happened. When women would hit on me, it wasn’t so bad although most of the time it was annoying. Usually because they were drunk and sloppy and I just wanted them to get out. I was actually embarrassed for them. Especially the older more conservative ones that were probably homophobic when they were sober. One time in particular a lady commented, “My husband would be furious if he knew I was hitting on another man.” I couldn’t help myself, I had to tell her. She was humiliated to know end. I ate it up. I’m horrible I know, but I did. She tipped me $25 on a $15 cab ride. Works for me! The first time a guy ever told me that I the reason I’m gay is because I hadn’t met the right man yet was in a cab. I was silenced with disbelief before I exploded. Ignorance really knows no bounds. If you’re one of those kinds of guys, jump off a building. As for the men who hit on me after the fact, come out of the closet or get help.

The next awkward weirdness happened when I managed a call center. On two different occasions I had guys grab my leg. Being in an environment where I had to control my reaction was even more infuriating. That is a twist I did not see coming and one I will never understand. My reaction was somewhere along the line of "What is wrong with you?", "What the hell made you think you could do that?", "What made you think I would be ok with it and are you gay?" I will report that neither lasted to long after that. I definitely abused my position and I have no regrets there. Call centers and taxi cabs are definitely hosts for the weird and the weirder. Just when I thought I had seen it all, I got hit on by another butch. There are unwritten rules that gay people follow and that is a violation. Figure out your life and find a new job. In an additional twist, her girlfriend hit on me, I’m done. At this point I don’t even want to be gay anymore. My life is a soap opera and I want out. I was taking on life one day at a time and one gay at a time. Someone open the door so I can go back in the closet.

It gets better, or rather it gets worse. I will begin by saying this. I have never just stared at a woman’s chest. That is disrespectful, I don’t care what kind of shirt they are wearing. I wear t-shirts and polos. Yet too many times I have caught guys staring at my chest. What was going through their heads? Everything that I have described is even more shocking because of the way I carry myself. I am not a punk by any means. What did they think was gonna happen? You don’t poke a sleeping bear and then play victim. I will go there and I did on occasion. Usually I just had to say a couple of words and they would stop and usually not come back after lunch. Usually. Guys it is never ok to carelessly stare. Control yourself and if you’re gonna do it, be slick about it. Don’t make it obvious. If you got game for real, you don’t have to do all that. My hot button is when I see older guys doing this to younger girls. You’re the reason I should never own a gun. Step in front of a bus and do the world a favor. I pride myself on being a Christian but when it comes to that, I might be the worst example. I can forgive a lot of things but that is not one of them. Please don’t be a good Christian and pray for me there.

Let’s move on. I think I’ve gotten all of the queer stuff out of the way. A source of endless irritation is people who go out of their way to let me know how ok they are with me being gay. They tell me they have a gay aunt or uncle or something. That proves nothing. I have a black cousin. That does not mean I like black people nor does it mean I don’t like black people. It just means I have a black cousin. Advertising how ok you are with me being gay screams the exact opposite. Actions speak louder than words. I don’t owe you an explanation and you do not owe me one. I love it when people meet me in person and then bring up the fact that I am gay in some way shape or form and then proceed to say, "That’s ok." Well thank you so much for your approval. I can finally live the life I have always wanted to live. I understand the "That's ok" remark probably is more them convincing themselves they are ok with it, or maybe even their way of telling me they are ok with it, but the way it comes out often times has the opposite effect.

I have to say that I really admire people that aren’t running around life angry. I have had my struggles but no doubt they pale in comparison to what some other people have been through and how some people aren’t raging lunatics I will never understand. My hat goes off to you. I have literally shut the world out because I’m tired. The ignorance, the entitlement and the utter disrespect is just too much sometimes. I could never be feminine. What women go through is ridiculous. Women should have the right to defend themselves or react aggressively without their careers, well being or freedom being impacted. That sounds extreme but what women endure is extreme. I have a 25-year-old daughter and a list. I find myself relating to Arya Stark in the Game of Thrones. This turned serious but it is what it is. Have more respect and don’t go crying to the police when a woman pops you in your mouth after you disrespect them. I need to change the subject and leave that alone, I can go on forever.

It is rare that other people's behavior embarrasses me. What other people do is a reflection of them, not me. Unless of course we are related. Lesbians who advertise their choice disrespectfully, do embarrass me. Let me explain. She constantly makes public comments, or whistles louder, or hits on other women louder like she needs to prove herself. She wants to fit in and be accepted so bad she humiliates herself and gives us a bad name. I suppose gay guys do it too but I don’t take that personal. Just be yourself. You don’t have to advertise it and you don’t have to hide it. Just be. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone would just be? I am far from perfect. I have a long list of issues. But one thing I am very good at is just being me. Anyone or situation that wants to judge me or keep me from being me, I won’t. I am not straight, I am not looking for the right man to convince that I am straight, I am not interested in testing the cloudy waters of another butch, I am not compelled to prove myself one way or another. We all have the right to feel however we feel. We have the right to our preferences. We do not have the right to disrespect each other. You can hate gay people and it makes no difference to me. Don’t try to convert me and don’t disrespect me and I will extend the same courtesy. That rule can apply to some headliners in current events as well. I am not prepared to touch those topics. I like that I can look back on most of it and laugh, as long as I don’t have to relive it. I will end this on a funny story. I was conducting an interview with a very tall and hefty woman. Imagine an overweight drag queen, only she was a woman, I think. At the end of the interview she grabbed my hand and would not let go. Picture Andre the Giant grabbing Rey Mysterios’s hand and just staring longingly into his eyes. That is what I felt like and all of my agents enjoyed the show and no one came to my rescue. It was horrifying. I can’t even remember when or how it ended. She even came looking for me afterwards and man I was like El Chapo running from the cops. That is just wrong. I didn’t deserve that. I pride myself on being pretty tough but in that moment, I wanted to cry. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to. I have been to two drag queens shows and both times I was targeted. Have you ever seen one up close? They wear a lot of make up and they are really tall and their hands are huge. I think they profiled me. They knew I would be horrified and they wanted to torture me and of course no one ever helps me. I will remember that. For anyone who was a part of those situations, I will remember, my memory is long.

I hope you enjoyed this short story. I am hoping to share many more. I recently started a podcast telling these stories. Some like to listen, others like to read. Personally, I prefer to read and put the voice of my preference to it. For anyone who likes to read and listen, you can find my podcast on many platforms, Tornado Torres. Most of my stories are from personal experience. I do have the imagination for fiction, but non-fiction has proved to be entertaining and equally therapeutic. Cheers to therapy!