Today.

I spent the night last night with R.S. a man I've been seeing for almost nine months weekly; sometimes bi-weekly. It was the first time I held myself back a little and I couldn't figure out why until today. R.S. and I have an amazing thing going on where we can be completely honest with each other. I can say literally antying to him and know without a shadow of doubt know that he will listen without interruption.

That makes me feel safe and heard. Which then leads to me feeling comfortable in R.S. presence, making me want to open up more.

I haven't had that feeling in a long time. To be around R.S. is a breath of fresh air and freedom. I feel like a young kid, teenager more exact. I have fun with him, and judging by his text messages and how he opens up to me; he's having fun too. I've known R.S. for over thirty-years; we've hooked up several times throughout those years; from highschool onward.

This time is different.

It's not just a hook up.

It's more. Way more.

And I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

There are so many things I like/love about R.S. and the one that pops into my mind right now is the fact that he intuitively knows when to give me space. He sees right through my mask. It throws me off; I'm excellent at mask wearing. I lose my footing because one side of me wants to stay strong and not show weakness or vulnerability and the other side knows that R.S. won't judge me.

Last night I went to R.S. with a whole boat load of stuff on my mind from this past weekend. I'd been doing alot of crying and was still in a pretty raw state, yet I chose to hide my feelings. I didn't want to make it all about me.

As I drove down his driveway I vowed to stay strong. Walking through the pasture to go see Mimi (his most awesome cow), I did my best to let all of the stuff from the weekend go. I had a joint in my hand, the grass felt soft under my feet, and I could hear the stream off to the left. Standing at the fence looking at Mimi, I felt him, then heard him walk over.

The mask I had on was a mixture of scared, strong, and very raw emotion.

He asked me how things were and in one quick movement of my eyes, he knew something was off and glanced at me with a look I can only describe as he saw through me. Without me saying anything R.S. analyzed and gave me space. For that I am appreciative. It's a rare quality to see in a man such self confidence, self-awareness, and self-knowing.

I'm in this place of transition with the knowledge that going back to my old patterns of behavior aren't working. Prime example: me hiding my feelings from a man who cares about me. It's time to put that old worn out pattern in retirement.

I have a choice. A fork in the road, I can allow R.S. into my heart comepletely and take that risk of love; or not.

The fact that R.S. is in my life at this time is no coincidence. He provides me with stability, accountability, and his ability to be a man which then makes me want to step up as a woman/human being in this relationship. Putting myself in his shoes, paying attention to the little things, and keeping it simple, grounded, earthy, and real is where my head is with R.S.

I can drop the strong mask.

My prayer is this: courage in my heart to move forward with faith.