Where I'm at.

Seriously. What the fuck.

I know it's my responsibility for where I am currently at and I'm getting pushed at from all sides; my Mom, Paul, and mostly myself. My Mom keeps asking what I'm going to do if Paul kicks me out. Where will you live, she asks with a tired look. I told her that while I appreciate her offer of moving back in, that this was the choice I made.

I chose to marry Paul, not seeing the tiny red flags at first. Love they say is blinding, and I had big dark shades covering up who was in front of me; an insecure man who plays passive-aggressive. I noticed small things like when I was busy, he'd mope around because I wasn't paying attention to him. And then he'd get angry because I was busy and start to pick at me with verbal, sarcastic, hurtful comments.

If I engaged in defending myself, he'd lash out and flip it around as if I'm the one to blame. Then we'd argue, and that's when I noticed the second most important thing, his temper. He would and still does escalate to the point of punching walls, throwing coffee cups, slamming doors so that stuff flalls off the walls, and increasingly gets meaner each time.

There are moments when I'm scared. Like the other day- Saturday. He was pissed at me for what seemed like a while- going on almost two weeks. Jabbing at me every day with his words and me- now feeling like I'm trapped and cannot say anything becasue no matter what I say or not say won't make a difference.

I choose to remain quiet as he begins early Saturday. By ten oclock, I'm in my room doing my best not to shed any tear becasue again. What the fuck.

Paul has never laid a hand to me; yet I know how the pattern goes. So I'm here taalking about it for the first time to complete strangers. As I write I look up to see the stack of divorce papers and wonder how in the world am I going to pay for it? I ask that question alot lately. How the fuck am i supposed to apy for that? My faith is consistently rife with tests.

I often wonder to myself if there was something I did to make Paul be this way. I often wonder why I stay. I often wonder did I do something to someone else and this is my karmic debt? Is this what I'm here on this planet to do? Be in a relationship so that I can work through all my old shit? Not just any relationship. A hard one.

What the fuck.

This morning I find out that one of my bank accounts was closed. I'd been deposting money, yet if it's in the red for too long, apparently they up and close it out on you. Susan, I'm sorry I yelled at you this morning, it isn't your fault my bank account was closed.

So, what can I do? The only thing that always grounds me and brings me back- go outside in nature and smoke a joint. And I did. I stood there on my deck watching and listening, at first with my eyes open, then closing them. I heard the wind through the trees, birds chirping, and the sun warmed my face. All of a sudden it was clear. I heard a message.

Even though this sucks, go with the flow, don't resist.

That's when the inspiration to write this piece arrived. I haven't told anyone because I still feel somehow that people will think it is my fault he's the way he is. I feel this way becasue of the image Paul has created of me to his peeps and so then I feel that everyone will think I'm an evil bitch.

I understand go with the flow and no resistance.

I also understand that this sucks and it's my choice.

My prayer is this

Please help me go with the flow and be smart in the process.