To the Boys I Loved Before

To the boys I loved before,

I’m glad you came into my life. I’m glad you came into my life at every stage as a different lesson. First, you were the boy who sat in front of me in grade four... five... six, you were my friend. At that age, I didn’t know what more people can be but we all had crushes. You were so cute and funny, you would ask me to help you out in math, or make jokes about the teacher and that to me was the best it could get. I was just in love with the idea of liking someone. But somewhere along the way you ended up liking my best friend, she was beautiful and I was just one of the boys. I was as heartbroken as an 11-year-old could’ve been. You taught me that the one you love isn’t guaranteed to love you back, you showed me for the first time that I wasn’t beautiful, that tomboys aren’t likable, that love was all about how you look. But that’s not your fault.

Then you came to me as the boy who all the other girls liked, Mr. Popular. You were smart, funny, good looking and loved by all. I shied away from you instantly. Soon you became my friend, though, my heart skipped a beat every time you came online on MSN and I would patiently wait for you to message me first. You told everyone but me you liked me, you gave me butterflies and I just wondered if this could be it, finally someone that likes me back. You loved me, just as much as I did. You taught me that I was beautiful, you taught me I didn’t need a guy to think I am beautiful, you gave me the confidence and security I never had in me. Then, you moved away.

Oh boy, you came into my life as my best friend (Note to 13-year-old self, never "love" your best friend). You were my night and day, you and I could talk for hours without getting bored. I couldn’t end my day without talking to you for at least three minutes. But as we grew up, problems came between us, as juvenile as they may be. I lost you as a friend. You weren’t my life anymore. You taught me how much it sucks to see someone you love be with someone else. You taught me how deep and immense friendships can be, ones that others just never understood. Thank you.

Soon you came back to me as my first real love, you were experienced in matters of relationships and I just wasn’t; no experience in what true heartbreak would feel like. I would go to the moon and back for you, and to me it seemed you would too. You were charming, funny and adorable, you made me happy. Being with you gave me tingles down my spine every time. You were my first kiss. You felt like a movie to me. But one day you just got up and stormed out. You taught me sadness, you taught me that others can influence you, you taught me not to trust people. You taught me to be stronger.

I wished you wouldn’t come back anymore, I was broken. But surely you returned as a light in all the darkness that surrounded me. You always cheered me up. You made me happy. You kept me laughing all the time. You didn’t let me be sad anymore. You were with me for a very long time. You got me used to you. You would complete my day. You talked like we had a forever. You made feel like a big part of your life. You gave me that feeling of trust back. But soon, you became someone I didn’t know. You got too comfortable. You took me for granted. You thought even if you pushed me around, that I would still stick around. As naïve as I was, I stuck around, I believed the abuse was love. You taught me even the brightest light burns out. You taught me I could never make you happy. But you taught me to toughen up. So thank you for making me build my walls so high.

You came back. You came back beautiful, inspiring, caring, charismatic you came back as my muse. I kept my heart in a shell, and every day you tried to pry it out, with more success as each day went by. My art revolved around you, you made me love myself more than I ever could. You sang to me at night, your beautiful voice kept me wanting to listen to more each time. I just couldn’t help but fall back into the same hole I’ve fallen in before. We belonged together. You made me believe we belong to each other, you made believe in love again, in art and music again. You broke down the wall and I was ready to be unconditionally in love with you. To be with you… One day you brought me back into reality. You left, for someone new. I was hurt before, but this feeling was much more. You taught me to love again, to create again. Then you took it all away, but thank you for showing me how naïve I was.

You came in between all of this heartbreak and me trying to find myself. You were a really good friend and maybe you were just a stepping stone onto the next few events that would take place in my life. I wish you had gotten what you wanted, I wanted nothing but the best for you. I hope I wasn’t too much of a hassle in your life. But you taught me to fully like someone before hastily trying to be in a relationship.

Oh, you… you were it. You were perfect. You were my Adele song. You came into my life as a surprise, you were unexpected, unprecedented, unbelievable. Unbelievable, the story we were about to share. You came into my life as a random guy I barely knew. But we clicked right away. You were… (I can’t even write about you). You and I happened under circumstances that only made it more obvious that we were just meant to be. That first touch, the first words, I remember it all as if it were yesterday. We loved like those in songs or movies, a true deep feeling I forgot I could feel. I let down all my walls for you. You embraced me into your life like I was the thing missing from it all along. When I got sick, you looked like you were the one who was sick. All I ever wanted to do was to make you feel my love. I could travel the seven seas just to find you. I know you would too. You made me feel things I didn’t think existed in real life. When you held me there was no other place I’d want to be. When you talked to me, there was nothing more I wanted to hear. We promised each other forever. We had love, we had intimacy, things I’ve never felt before. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I messed it all up. I was confused and young but I never wanted to do you wrong. Because from the day we first met I knew where we belonged. I ruined all of this and I regret it to this day. You got me weak in my knees, tingles down my spine and butterflies in my stomach, yet I let it all go. I wish I could see you one last time just so I could make you happy, make your dreams come true, nothing I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love. Because to this day, I lie here thinking about the times we had. Everything I lost and how sorry I am, I didn’t just break your heart, I broke mine too. Forever.

I’m sorry to all the boys I loved after, there was always issues with me with us, because I could never fully allow myself to love again. Some of you taught me to never trust again and some of you showed me that I could never love as much as I did ever again. I’m sorry you don’t get all of me because a part of me is still with him.