To Love Another...

As a theater fan, I used to belt out Eponine's "On My Own" as a fun way to show off my belting skills and didn't think much of the meaning behind it. Until recently, I never really understood any songs, ballads, poems, or any art that represented a heartbroken soul who loved someone that never loved them back- at least not the same way that you love them. In fact, I never understood why anyone would love someone who didn't love them back. It never made sense to me. I would think, "That person doesn't love you! You're just beating yourself up!"

That was... until I was in the same place as every belting ballad heroine I would sing at karaoke. I now finally understand.

I am currently in a relationship that at this point, I don't know if it's going to last much longer. The fact we're even together at this point is honestly a miracle all on its own. The one I love has hurt me in more ways than he could possibly ever imagine. He has broken several boundaries of our relationship on numerous occasions, lied directly to my face about the actual relationship he has with certain people, and then when I found out about it, he had the nerve to gaslight me. Eventually, he would realize his wrong doings and apologize, seeming like he actually felt bad about what he did and would swear it would never happen again.

But then a few months later, I would find out about another lie. Another boundary broken. Another argument would ensue. And the cycle would repeat all over again. He would always do these on behalf of another relationship he had with someone- a relationship that is platonic at this point but also a previous lover and partner who he still cares very much about. Anytime he would actually fix his mistakes, it's only because I asked him too. Anything good that built the foundation of our relationship was 100% completely built by me. He never contributed to any of it.

I think some of the worst parts is he only changed because he got caught. And also, the fact that I absolutely despise a person- his friend/ex-lover- who hasn't actually done anything wrong, because him lying and doing all the terrible things he did was because of them and wanting to spend more time with them. This was not fair to the person.

Due to financial situations, I stayed. I have tried to make this relationship work so much. I loved him. He loved me in some way, but I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I felt like I'll never be as good as this other partner if he keeps choosing them over me. I felt like no matter how much love I gave to this man and how hard I tried to show him, I was never going to be good enough because I wasn't them- the other person.

I only really realized he has never loved me in the same way he loves them. He doesn't love me as much. I was the one who always got hurt but he would attack anyone else who got too close to the other person. He was more than willing to hurt me 1000x's over for them. He is OBSESSED with them, even if they aren't the lovers they used to be.

He claims he loves me. He claims he loves me more. He claims I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He claims I'm the best lover, the best partner, the best everything he's ever had. And yet... his actions speak much louder than his words.

Here's the other thing- only now, after almost 2 years together (December is our anniversary), is he just FINALLY starting to straighten up and actually be the boyfriend he agreed to be when we made this relationship official. Almost 2 YEARS. He didn't learn the many times he was caught or held responsible. In fact, he tried to break up with a few times to get away from the consequences. The sad thing is it may possibly be too little too late.

The man has hurt me so many times at this point, that when he says, "It's never going to happen again." I think, "At least for another half year."

Whenever he says, "I'm really going to change this time," I think, "Uh-huh. Okay. Until I find another boundary broken."

Whenever he says, "I Love You", I think, "Not as much as I Love You."

That last one honestly hurts the most.

I admit that he is definitely not the man he was when we first started dating. He has improved and straightened up on a lot of things- but only after I discovered a list of terrible things on our 1-year anniversary getaway. But he still breaks a serious boundary here and there or lies about something that was important. The "I'm Sorry"s doesn't mean anything anymore. The promises have no meaning. I'm just along for the ride at this point to make sure I stay afloat and alive. And enjoy this last strand of a relationship until he maybe tries to break up with me again or another big boundary is broken. I'm already making plans to make sure I'm ready to go next time.

After all this, I realized I'm in love with an idea of him that doesn't exist. The idea of him that he presents himself as on the outside but is not the whole picture. The idea he is telling me right now he's working to finally become. But it doesn't excuse the fact I was hurt over, and over, and over again for another person. It doesn't excuse the fact he's still obsessed with this other person. It doesn't excuse the fact it took him this long to finally-possibly- straighten up and get his ass in gear if he wants to make this work. It doesn't excuse the fact that I still feel less than, not enough, not good enough, and not loved in the same way I have loved him this entire time.

So yes, I love someone who doesn't love me back... Not in the same way and not near as much. I'm in love with the version of someone who doesn't exist. I'm in love with someone who I have tried so hard to come to life and prove I'm worthy of.

But I also grieve. I grieve that version and idea of him that will probably never exist. I grieve the time spent arguing when we could have been making happy memories instead. I grieve the laughs and smiles we could have shared if he didn't lie to me and I wasn't crying over the betrayal. I'm grieving what future we could have had together. I grieve over this entire relationship.

I know- I shouldn't be with him. And I agree. I should have left him the second time I found betrayal and after giving him another chance. At the latest, I should have left him when I discovered everything I did at our 1 Year Anniversary weekend. Unfortunately, my current career as a traveling performer and my main show does depend on him being present. I am sad about the fact though that I'm staying because I'd rather work with someone who I'm having some relationship issues with than someone I despise. Hence why I'm making plans for what I see as inevitable, so I don't have to stick around if I don't want to.

But he is aware this is the last straw. And I have no energy and have taken the weight of the relationship and put it down. I don't have the energy to carry it anymore. I need to rest. If he's serious about this, this time, then he needs to carry all of it for a while.

For now, I have to stay with him. For now, I have told him I'm tired of carrying the entirety of this relationship on my back and he needs to if he actually wants to change and continue this. For now, I am taking a mental rest as much as I can in this situation. For now, I am starting to accept the actuality of the relationship. For now, I am stopping the hope that he will actually change for me, and he will love me the same way I love him. For now, that's all I can do.

Only time will tell what happens next...