To All the Women Writing Feminist Satire

To All the Men Offended by My Feminist Satire - There is certainly remorse being felt

Dear Woman who’s piece of feminist satire I read,

Hello again. While it was very sweet of you to recognize me for reading your piece of feminist satire I could not help but feel you were less then sincere in your thanks. As a man satire is often difficult for me to understand so perhaps I am misinterpreting your tone or intent.

There is no need to apologize as I was not offended in the least. The piece was reasonably amusing and had a few clever one liners, but satire is not really my thing and I guess I didn’t really get the overall point. Then again typically I spend more time drinking beer with my buddies and watching various sporting events then reading and critiquing satirical feminist literature.

In any event there is no need to worry that you’ve soured our relationship. You can write something to lightheartedly poke fun at gendered stereotypes all you want. As long as we can still have sex a few times a week its all good.

I know you would never attack men. I mean you have not only a father and a brother but also a male cat! Several male friends, too. Too many if you ask me, not that you did, or would. Especially that Steve Eskman. That dude is a snake in the grass and will say anything to get a chick in the sack, but I digress. I have never seen nor heard you be rude to a man, intentionally. I know you find the male gender deeply beautiful, so no worries, I am totally good with whatever you want to write. That is assuming of course that you still give it up a few times a week as described above.

I do think there were a few genuine misunderstandings. When I said you had been using your sexuality as currency since the dawn of time I meant that as a compliment. Frankly, I am jealous. I wish I had that sort of currency as my current salary from Arby’s is barely enough to pay the rent each month.

The whole privilege thing was a huge misunderstanding too. When you say “I’m going to use that privilege to continue receiving free dinners and many open doors (although only in exchange for my sexual currency).” I say damn, that’s hot.

Yes, my gal pal, if there is one thing the “male ego” loves it is being made to feel “stupid” for using “quotation marks” and “quotations” incorrectly. That said there is no need to be concerned that I think less of you because you dislike being stared at on your commute. I think less of you because you no longer have sex with me as often as you once did, and the little I get is bereft of any semblance of passion or desire. It’s like its all rote at this point. Like you don’t even want me anymore. Like you no longer love me.

It was nice to hear that you are not looking for additional validation from men. I also very much appreciated that you noticed all the effort I put into my writings. I should never have bothered though really. It’s clear you have fallen out of love with me, and it has been for a very long time. The less sex thing probably should have been a tipoff but as a man I am often slow on the uptake.

I guess I do feel a little let down and perhaps I was too deep in my feelings about this one. If so it would be the only thing I have been too deep in in a long while.

Oh well, all this damn emotional labor has got me exhausted. If only I could use my emotional labor as currency. Now that would be hot, right? Would it be? Would you love me again? Please say yes.

Moving on then. Girlfriend, I hope reading this doesn’t come across as crying over what could have been. I love women, all women. I know several of them, though not nearly as many as I’d like to know. I’ve never disrespected any of them. And if any tell you I did, well, they are lying.

I think we both agree that the world obviously and powerfully favors the word of women over men. I could sit here and “quote” statistics all day but why should I bother. It’s too damn hard and I’d rather just drink beer and watch sports with my bros.

It was also super sweet of you to recognize that other women have wronged me. That they have hurt me. But you know what, there have been more that haven’t hurt me then have, and there have even been some who haven’t hurt me, but that I wished would. And even some who did hurt me but not in the exact right way I like to be hurt. I know it’s a little weird by my psychologist says not all sadomasochism is deeply disturbed.

In any event, I’m done being angry about it. I am over it. Can we have sex now?

All my best wishes,

Some Man