Three years later. . .

Three years later. . .

Life's going great. I'm truly happy. Once in a blue moon I would think of J. During those moments when the moon would show up I would think long & hard about him. We left off senior year silent. Not a goodbye or wishing well for one another. It was still. The type of still that makes you think "all I want is answers." I didn't let anyone know that I was hurt about J leaving me confused. He left my head full of the unknown. Thinking could he be the one that got away if I tried harder? Does he still think about me? At one point making me feel there was something wrong with me. . .

While my head was full of questions. My feelings were gone for him. And slowly that blue moon faded more & more until one day I forget all about J. I have a wonderful man that made me forget about every boy from my past because I know He is my future. Do you have any one in you life that made you forget about all the bad choices in guys or girls you made? If not, that's okay. He/She will walk into your life soon. Be patient.

I couldn't be any more happier. At this point of my life I got back on Instagram to make a business page for my nail career. & just for fun decided to make a personal account to help boost my confidence & show the world my life. My personal Instagram was barely a month in & already I caught up with some old high schools, saw peoples lives changed, families being made, & many married. It's like within those three years not having an Instagram everyone grew up over night. Crazy to see such big changes but amazing.

Exactly four days ago at around 12:45 am. I got a notification. I look & literally a rush came over me. It said J STARTED FOLLOWING YOU. Right away I go straight to the account luckily it's a public profile & sure enough it was really J. I couldn't believe it.

As I lurked through his profile I noticed some stuff like he doesn't really post, we follow the same people, & he has a girlfriend. I remembered her from high school we had Spanish class together. I didn't know her name & never did we have a conversation but I would of never thought in a million years they knew each other. I wasn't jealous just of course my head filled with questions like did he leave me for her? Was she the girl I saw sitting with him during lunch that one time? I'd go back & forth on telling myself "I don't care I have a great man in my life. Don't worry or stay up hoping he messages me." Then I'd think "but I need answers" then back to telling myself "but do I really?"

Within all of those thoughts running across my mind. My notifications blew up. J LIKED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY PHOTOS. My photos included some of my boyfriend & I. Lots of selfie that are cute & some that I was looking flawless absolutely stunning. When I noticed that I was thinking "if my man liked some girls pictures similar to mine that he used to like in the past that would not be okay with me." So why was J liking them? He didn't like them in order. Meaning he spent time looking through my profile & deciding whether to like it or not. & He liked them all.

Not long after J slides into my dms. Nothing flirty just a simple "Hey. How have you been?" We spent about 30 minutes casually talking. Catching each other up on our lives. Until I asked "How did you find me on Instagram?" He said "because we both follow Heaven so you popped up has a suggested. And I just wanted to see how you were doing because I kind of ghosted you after we graduated." There it was. The door to all of my questions was finally being opened to be answered.

Long story short. He apologized for ghosting me. He ghosted me because remember he had just gotten out of a relationship during that time. Well he felt like he was rushing into something he wasn't ready for. He needed time to cope with the fact He had been dumped. We never kissed, held hands, or told one another we liked each other. I thought, "He just didn't want to give me a chance. . ." He went on to saying "I had a feeling you liked me" I was talking to myself at this point saying, "WHAT!! Homeboy you called me beautiful every morning & night. We never said anything but I've never had A FRIEND that I smile so flirty at & being a couple without the PDA." During this conversation I found out He never truly liked me. Those smiles & signs that he liked me were just in my head I guess. Basically, ended that part of the conversation with more apologizes & having respect for one another during that time of our lives. When we both knew we were just going in circles & never reached or saw the end.

We went on to talk about our relationships. He was happy that I had found someone. As the feeling was mutual on my end. I did find out J has been with that girl for three years. Yes, you read it right THREE YEARS. He had just told me he "rushed" with me. My first thought was "if you didn't like me then why go out of your way to text, call, talk, & befriend me?" At the moment I knew I dodged a bullet but at the same time I felt foolish. . .

Three years ago I admitted I let him go without making a fuss because I had to much pride to chase a boy. But three foolish years thinking about him here & there. Some days were dark because I felt weak & worthless. I know it may sound crazy to some people like "calm down you only knew it about two months." That is correct, but it is very unlike me to overthink about a boy & care so much in a short amount of time. Hurt more to just let him go. If you know you know.

I dodged a bullet because I realized J could never be honest or forward with me. He didn't know what he wanted or how to speak up so he took the easy way out & ghost me. J was confused all along. I'm a girl that knows what she wants so having a partner is either you're on the same page or not. If I did end up being with J I knew he was always going to be a few steps behind but never catching up.

To end all of this. I was finally free. Free to realize the man I'm with now is the one & there was no more what if. It has always been Him. The Future had brought me the perfect person. My forever person. J & I went our separate ways with us being in our own relationship & I'm so good with that. All is forgiven & forgotten.