Thinking Clearly

Acknowledgment

I dedicate this guide to all of the strong women who have survived domestic abuse. I am proud of you for finding the strength inside of you—that you didn't know you had. For those of you still caught up in the struggle, let this guide be your guiding light.

Introduction

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser subtly sows seeds of doubt in the mind of their victim, causing the victim to question their own perception and judgment.

My best and most valuable experiences have come from my struggles and journey as a domestic abuse survivor. While I still struggle with post-traumatic stress traits thirteen years after my separation, I want to be clear; I am not a victim of abuse; I am a survivor. I have witnessed firsthand how living with a mentally abusive person not only impairs your reality and compromises your safety and wellbeing, but you also begin to question your own judgment and lucidity.

As you review this brief and powerful guide, you may read familiar phrases. If you live with an abuser or have faced narcissistic abuse in relationships, you will most likely relate to my experience. This guide will be beneficial for any person who suspects their partner may have manipulative intentions. You may notice that something is not quite right in your gut, but you may not yet have the skills to follow your intuition. Your partner may be accusing you of acting paranoid, irrational, or crazy, trying to disprove your suspicions. This behavior is called gaslighting.

This guide is a simple, reader-friendly explanation of interpreting the language of an abuser. Most narcissists love to use manipulation to force their victims into submission. If you think you are crazy or worthless, you will not be strong enough to leave. For me, it worked for three years until I could no longer deny the reality that my partner would never be honest or faithful to me.

The most challenging consequence of my decision to escape the constant mind games and betrayal— was that I was still very much in love with him when I left. It is a devastating experience to leave someone you are still in love with because you have to save yourself.

In graduate school, we are taught to refrain from using self-disclosure as a counseling tool. However, I have found that my cautious use of self-disclosure has helped my clients relate to me and see me as a role model for resiliency. I am a living and breathing survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and I practice the philosophy of paying it forward. Maya Angelou said, "When you learn, teach." I am teaching others by discussing what I have learned the hard way and demonstrating how recovery is possible. I hope you use this guide to build your inner strength and maintain your sanity in times of despair. Once you find clarity and begin to think clearly, be sure to stretch out a hand to someone else who may be struggling and continue to pay it forward.

You promised the world, and I fell for it. I put you first, and you adored it. Set fires to my forest, and you let it burn. I saw the signs, and I ignored them. Rose-colored glasses all distorted. We'd always go into it blindly; I needed to lose you to find me. This dancing was killing me softly; I needed to hate you to love me. Now the chapter is closed and I’m done. Now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us. -Selena Gomez

When we were first introduced, I thought he was the most charming person I had ever met. Everyone called him 'The Mayor.' He knew everyone in town, and they loved him. When he asked me to marry him, I could not believe how lucky I felt. I could not believe he chose me! I always thought I was average, but he made me feel special. He adored me. I used to tell him that our relationship feels too good to be true. Our families loved each other; we were perfectly compatible, and every day with him felt like a honeymoon — until it didn't.

Over time, behind closed doors, I began to notice that he was highly possessive of me when it came to issues regarding my work, my son, and my ex-husband. He insisted upon taking over the custody arrangements for my son, presenting it in a caring way to keep me from corresponding with my ex. He gradually started sabotaging my private practice dreams and criticizing my friends, encouraging me to stay away from social gatherings. He demanded we keep a low profile around people from my past and forbid my social media interaction. I began to feel concerned when his partying behaviors happened more frequently than Saturday nights. He idolized his wealthy physician friends and envied their lifestyle. He tried to keep up with them socially; however, he could not afford the high-ticket events. He started to feel resentful about being left out. He wanted to impress his friends, but they were above his pay grade. Eventually, he took his resentment out on me. He despised me for setting boundaries and enlisting his parents to stage an intervention for his excessive drug use and spending patterns. He blamed me for the financial stressors he faced after his first divorce. He lashed out a lot. He accused me of not loving him enough. He held me responsible for his affairs, accusing me of not giving him enough attention and adoration. He told his mistresses that I was crazy. When I told him that I wanted to start my own business, he told me, "That is not what I signed up for!" He wanted a wife who cooked Greek food for him and maintained school counseling hours, nothing more.

Over time I noticed that he had spent all of our money without my consent. He forged my name on legal documents. He became angry at me for accusing him of lying, and he reacted by giving me a black eye. He refused to let me go to work until the bruise was gone to avoid any questions. He changed his girlfriends' phone numbers in the contact database on his phone to avoid getting caught texting other women.

When I could not take it anymore, and I finally left him, he left me with nothing after his third affair. He punished me for leaving him by defaming my reputation and bankrupting my life. After all of my attempts to forgive him and start over, the result was waking up in an empty apartment, without a job or income, wondering where my life went. He gutted me.

Eventually, over time, I built my life back. However, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him; I have flashbacks in my dreams. I keep reliving one of our escalated arguments when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I don't love you anymore." I often wonder if he meant that or if he was acting out in anger? I wonder where he is now and if he is happy? I know he eventually married his third mistress. I told him I would leave him after three strikes, and on the night I found out about the young teacher at his school, strike three—I moved out. I now wonder if he is doing the same thing to her that he did to his first wife and me, lying and sneaking around.

My Thoughts

In hindsight, I am grateful for the experience because it made me a better counselor. I have empathy for my clients not just because it is a part of my training and education but also because I lived it. I survived it. I can now pay it forward. I appreciate the painful experience because it showed me my own strength and resilience. It breaks my heart when I see other's going through the same mess. It is the same pattern; at first, there is denial, then questioning, leading to awakening, anger, and despair—the stages of grief but not necessary in the same order. Acceptance does not always come. However, once we start to think clearly, we learn how to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.

If you notice that you have a pattern of being attracted to manipulative, dishonest people, begin to assess your attachment style. Over time, I learned that I had a very codependent attachment style, and it caused me to make excuses for behaviors in my partners that were less than ideal. When you have a codependent personality, your need to be in a relationship outweighs your desire to be self-actualized. It is difficult to think clearly when the voice in your head tells you that you can't be alone. To avoid the fear of being alone, you often make compromises in relationships that eventually take a toll on your soul.

When He Says…

When he says, "I didn't cheat on you!" He means I hope I can convince you that I didn't cheat.

When he gets a text message from his "male" colleague saying, "I miss you, and I can't wait to see you tomorrow morning!" It means he has labeled his mistress's number as male in his phone to avoid getting caught.

When he says, "Is that what you are wearing?" He means I don't want anyone to compliment you when we are not together. I want you to feel insecure about how you look so that you remain apprehensive about leaving me. 

When he says, "Your family is nuts; we don't need to see them as often!" He means your family is onto me, and they are starting to see through my manipulation and control over you.

"When he says, "Don't run away from me when we fight, we have to work this out now!" He means if you take a moment to think for yourself or clear your head, you may start to realize that I am gaslighting you. I do not want you to think clearly and leave me.

When his mistress tells you that he left because you are crazy, it means he has succeeded in manipulating her too.

When he says, "I am so sorry, I will never cheat on you again!" He is hoping you will believe him and stop holding a grudge.

When he says, "She gives me more attention than you do," he is blaming you for his cheating.

When he says, "No one else would put up with your shit!" He means he is threatened by you defending yourself, and he wants you to be submissive.

When he says, "You can't leave me!" He means if you try to leave me, I will make your life miserable. I will strip you of your dignity and leave you with nothing.

When he says, "We don't need any more therapy, all psychotherapists start with the word 'psycho' for a reason. He means the therapist is starting to see through his controlling behaviors. He wants to take away your support and block you from learning more about his manipulation.

When he says, "Look at your past relationships, no one else will want you with all of that baggage!" He means I am trying to break you down and make you feel insecure so that you won't leave me.

When he says, "You have let yourself go, what happened to you?" He means I don't want you to feel confident about yourself. I need to make you believe that you are unattractive, and no one else would love you.

When he says, "I will tell people how crazy you are!" He means if I convince you that you are crazy, you will doubt yourself, and then I can keep control over you. If I convince other people that you are crazy, it will justify my infidelity.

When he says, "We should only go out as a couple," he means I am threatened by you going out without my supervision because I cannot control what you do or say if I am not there.

When he says, "She is just a friend, stop being so paranoid!" He means I don't want you to know how close I am to her. It is better if I make you think you are paranoid than admit I am having an affair.

When he says, "You don't need access to the bank account, I will take care of us and manage our money." He means I don't want you to be financially independent or question how I spend our money.

When he says, "Don't listen to your friends, they are all sluts anyway!" He means if you listen to your friends, they may convince you to leave me. It also means he has probably hit on them behind your back, and he is afraid they will tell you about it.

When he says, "You don't need your own social media account," he means I want to keep you isolated from the world.

When he says, "Keep our problems within this family, do not discuss us with anyone else!" He has something to hide.

When he says, "I am afraid you are going to leave me!" He knows he is about to get caught.

When he says, "I didn't sign up for this!" He is preparing to replace you with her.

Conclusion

If any of the above phrases sound familiar, you are most likely being manipulated and gaslit by your partner. Until you hear through distorted language, you will remain stuck with a partner who uses mind games to control you. Take a close look at your attachment style and ask yourself if you are settling because you are afraid of being alone or fearful about what other people will think if you leave. It is okay to stay with your partner if you can find your voice and be respected for your choices. However, if your partner demonstrates a double standard, "Do as I say, not as I do," then it's time to think clearly and put yourself first.

Remember: admitting you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship does not mean you are weak or a victim; it just means you are not with the right partner.