Think You're Unlovable? Studies Show There's No Such Thing

Have you ever thought you were unlovable, too weird for anyone to like?

The only square peg in a world of round holes?

Like nobody could possibly want you?

Well, hang in there. There is hope.

Dating apps and "experts" might think your appeal comes from money, looks, or interests.

But science says those aren't necessarily your ticket to true love.

A study by Michigan State University in the Journal of Research in Personality says it could be something else.

According to the 2,500 (heterosexual) couples they studied who had been married for about 20 years, the real key to long-term happiness is a "conscientious and nice" partner.

So, if you're a nice person, you're already relationship material.

That means if you're a little different - if you march to the beat of your own drum - love isn't out of the question for you if you're basically kind.

If you're a decent chap (or dame), you'll probably be happy when you find the right person.

But there's the rub, how do you find that right person?

Here's the good news, anyone - even you - can find love because love isn't about fitting a mold - it's about finding a good fit that makes sense.

It's like doing a puzzle - you can't force the pieces of one puzzle to fit another. You can't even force parts of the same puzzle to work if they're not the right ones.

The picture has to make sense for the pieces to fit.

It doesn't matter what the puzzle looks like. Nobody judges the puzzle.

You are that puzzle.

You might be an abstract jumble of colors and patterns, but it's your hodgepodge, and you're perfect.

So no matter how complex, unique, or weird you think you are, you have something to offer.

The world is big and full of wonderfully enigmatic, unusual people who want to get with you.

But if you've never been optimistic about the idea that you can find love and you don't have much luck, it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sometimes when you feel hopeless or defeated, you make choices that reinforce what you think will happen anyway.

For example, you might think you only attract people who don't know how to treat you well.

This might make you think that you only attract jerks, but really what happened is you didn't hold out for someone who'd cherish you.

Why would you if you didn't think they existed?

If you're socially awkward, that makes it even harder.

If people make you nervous, you might be tempted to give up on the idea altogether.

This might lead you to feel isolated and insecure, shy and lonely.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if your shyness and insecurity have become a problem for you:

• When in a group situation, are you terrified of doing something stupid?
• Is what others think of you a big worry?
• Would you rather avoid social situations altogether?
• Does it seem like other people have more fun socially than you?
• When someone doesn't like you, do you take it personally?
• Do you find it difficult to talk to people?
• Do you ruminate about how you acted after socializing?
• Does socializing make you feel bad about yourself?

If you have these thoughts, it might seem impossible to even put yourself in a position to meet someone special.

Part of the problem, though, could be you and how you think about yourself.

Do you have these thoughts?

• I'm boring, unlikeable, or weird.
• People judge me in social situations.
• I'm sure I "ll be rejected and criticized if I make a social faux pas.
• If I embarrass myself, it would be disastrous.
• I am whatever other people think I am.

If you're a little extraordinary, and you don't feel good about it, you might think these things - that's not good.

In reality, you're a good person, kind and thoughtful, so you can have the perfect mate if you just change what you think you're looking for.

Because there really is someone for everyone.

So shift your requirements from the facade to the feeling because love isn't about making it work.

It's about knowing it fits.

Let's use Michael Scott from The Office as an example.

When he was dating Jan and the other women, he seemed weird and cringy.

When he met Holly, his character suddenly developed a quirky lovability that only she could bring out.

Once they got together, she brought out the best in him and made us all fall in love with him in a way we couldn't see coming from the other love interests.

She got him, she didn't want him to change, and she loved him.

She redeemed his character.

We always liked him as the lovable loser, but now we loved him for the right reasons.

By the end of the show, we even respected him.

The introduction of Holly's character had everything to with that.

Because she gave him unconditional love, so did we, and anyone, can have that emotional rebirth.

So if you're wondering if you're with the right person or if you'll ever meet someone, why not use Michael Scott as your measure because he was good enough, and so are you.

Here are some ways to tell if someone is a good fit:

You're your best self when you're around them.

When you're with that perfect match, they bring out the best in you.

You become the best version of yourself because they see that best version of you and shine a light directly onto it.

When someone loves you and sees your unusual quirks as assets to be cherished, you begin to see yourself as someone with worth and value.

You'll even think you're better looking. Because body image comes from your perceptions, not your reflections.

When you're in love with someone who sees the best in you, you want to live up to that expectation.

They make you feel like you're invincible, shielded by a warm fussy suit of loving armor.

When you're loved, and it's mutual, you feel safe.

You're part of a team that protects you from life's ups and downs.

You feel like you can do anything and be anything.

You feel generous and complete.

It shores up your emotional armor, so your inside world is secure and withstanding no matter what happens outside.

The right person makes you feel like you can handle anything because you have a backup.

This is trust, and when you have it, you feel invincible.

So when you meet someone new, see if they do these things:

• Validate you/the people around them
• Act kind and considerate
• Respect other people's boundaries
• Are dependable
• Create an emotionally safe environment
• Resolve problems in a healthy way
• Have integrity
• Avoid controlling behavior
• Project loyalty in action and attitude
• Seem interested in a strong, tight bond

Because having these will give you comfort and safety.

That's the trust effect.

Trust is essential for a successful relationship, but the good thing is that trust is a choice.

We choose to be trustworthy.

If you see someone who already chooses to be like this, chances they'll continue to be this way when you get together.

Your weird jokes get taken as intended. You get your freak on in the best way with them.

Being in love means loving everything about that person. It's hard to fall in love with someone you don't get.

If you do get together with someone who doesn't get you, they probably won't appreciate that special sauce that makes you, you.

It might irritate them, and they might want to change you.

But when you do find someone who accepts your quirks, you'll suddenly stop feeling ashamed, and you'll start to feel proud.

Like you have something exciting and valuable to offer.

Do you feel safe enough, to be honest around them?

This is similar to the previous mention but a little deeper.

Because being authentic is more than just your weird sense of humor or your bad dancing.

It's you with all of your flaws and insecurities.

It's you with your past and your baggage.

It's you in all of your imperfect glory.

Real love accepts what it can't change.

It accepts the whole of you and loves that complete person.

If you stay together, inevitably, you'll bug each other. There may even be things you need to work on, but that essential acceptance of who you are and where you came from will be there.

The part of you that's most vulnerable and can't change will be safe.

They love you enough to tell you what you need to hear.

When someone really loves you, they'll tell you when you've crossed a line.

They might accept your bad jokes or socially awkward antics, but if you do something really bad, they respect you enough to bring it to your attention.

They'll give you the tough love you need.

It's a crucial ingredient in any relationship. There's no doubt about it.

But the sign of real love is how that honesty is delivered.

Someone who loves you will give the bad news gently, lovingly, and with minimal pain. They'll have the courage to do the deed, but in a way that helps.

They'll have the courage to tell you what you need to know, but not in a way that rubs in the humiliation.

So if you're looking for a mate for life, you don't need to be perfect, rich, or beautiful.

All you need is to be a good person and then find someone who's a good fit.

And if you're wondering if it's love, science has that covered too.

Scientists figured out what it means to "fall in love."

Researchers have found out what an in-love brain looks like.

It's different from a lusty one or one that's been in a relationship for years.

In fact, the "in love" brain is totally unique and has clearly defined signs that what your going through is real.

So if you're wondering if it's love, look for these objectively accurate signs:

• You're addicted. That euphoric feeling you get is heightened neural activity in dopamine-rich areas of your brain. Just thinking about your partner activates the reward centers
• You care if your friends and family like this person
• You care as much about their success and take as much pride in it as your own
• You like this person...you really like them.
• You miss them when you're not together
• You have grown and changed in a better way
• You feel a bit jealous sometimes—but not suspicious

Having any or all of these feelings can signal the beginning of something special.

Something special for you- yes you!

So if you feel like there's just nobody out there for you, like there couldn't possibly be a good match, someone to embrace the whole package, take heart.

If you keep looking, and you keep an open mind, you will meet enough people to find someone who fits.

Because love isn't about how you look, your job, or your personality.

It's about finding someone who fits you perfectly.

It's about finding someone who loves the things about you that make you who you are.

Someone who appreciates and understands you enough to make you feel safe and loved, someone to start a team with so you can both have that place in the world just for you.