The Unrealized Leader Within

Most of my life I have done things my way and it shows up good and bad in every facet of my life. I have learned so much. I have only regret for actions and choices that I have made that have hurt others. I consider all else a learning experience and deeply understand the consequence is merely the cost of the lesson; outcome good or bad, it’s a lesson nonetheless. I have seen life through many lenses. I’ve seen life as an addict; I have seen life in redemption from addiction. I have been homeless and broke sleeping in a train station. I have stayed in the presidential suites of the finest establishments in the country; I have had much and I have had little. I have experienced incarceration and lived as a criminal, with no regard for the law or the consequence of that level of disrespect to my community and fellow Man or Woman. I now experience life through the eyes of one who respects the law and tries to obey it; understanding that my lack of respect and care for others is a reflection of my inner feelings about me. I have experienced life through the lens of suicidal depression since I was a little boy. I have attempted to take my life on enumerated occasions when the shame of my choices and self hatred was too much to endure . I now live in freedom from that level of self hatred, choosing to forgive myself no matter how shameful the act. I have been an abuser and I have been the abused; I choose now to be a protector, cherishing what has been put in my care or sphere of influence. I have experienced life as a married man and then as a single shell of a man. Then experienced life again as a married man. I am so grateful for my wife. She not only saw past all my UGLY, but she then chose to TREAT ME AS WHO SHE KNEW I WAS, even when I was a PIG, not a husband. She showed me something of great value (The Real Me), but it cost her everything at certain points. I was a drunk, yet she called me a Good man. I was Harsh, but she treated me gently; I was selfish she was selfless. My Wife’s unyielding, unrelenting deep belief in me and her Savior, Jesus Christ, even as I tried to break her both unintentionally and sometimes purposefully, spoke louder than any words I had heard. Her choices and actions forced me to consider something...... she could be Right, but if she is right, all of me, all of this identity and persona, this fortified defense mechanism I have been assembling since childhood would instantly fall and leave me vulnerable. My next immediate thought was: What is my exposure in this state of vulnerability ? I had no idea, I had the heartbreaking realization in that moment, that by my own choice I have been surrounded all my life by people, yet totally isolated and Alone for a really long time. I assumed everyone would hurt me or I would hurt them, but I was wrong. This realization, this paradigm shifting revelation, has forced me to discover life through a lens that I could have never even fathomed before. I now see through a clear lens, a lens that allows me to see that another’s need is more important than my desires or agenda and that it’s not only okay for me to take a blow for another, but exciting to absorb all I can for them in hopes that I might be a part of their realization of this. We are not limited to who we choose to be, to protect ourselves from that first moment of severe hurt. We are not our worst lesson or moment, we are simply a part of it. When we begin assembling defensive measures we choose to stay in that moment of hurt. Unfortunately, as we encounter more pain, we try to build more defense, never realizing we are building the walls that will do EXACTLY as they are intended to do, KEEP YOU ALONE, IMPRISONED WITH YOUR PAIN — AN UNRELENTING TASKMASTER THATS SOLE PURPOSE is to keep you from your best gift..... YOU