The Ten Commandments of Coping with Loss: A Guide to Healing

I have a brother who, in middle age, suddenly lost his love of his life. He was in great pain, extremely depressed, and had been drinking for over a month. His appearance was haggard, his color haggard, and his heart was as dead as ashes. He said that he now compares fate to blood stasis, sees setbacks as illness, pays off sorrowful debts, and that's how he feels. He feels suffocated, dazed, feverish, and cries in pain, brewing a terminal illness.

I told him that loss is an art, and if you master this art, you will no longer suffer. Then I wrote the Ten Commandments about loss for him.

First warning: Don't go to her house to entangle. This is very unsightly and unsightly. A beautiful relationship should not end in disgrace.

Second warning: Do not braintease. The pain mainly comes from brain stimulation. Imagine the various scenes she is with him, and you will suffer unbearable pain. But you need to understand that it's her new life and has nothing to do with you anymore. You must understand that you no longer have her in the sense of a lover.

The third warning: Don't be jealous. No more brainwashing can to some extent eliminate jealousy. But only by truly starting from her perspective can jealousy be completely eliminated. That's her choice, and it's also her happiness. You have no reason to be jealous. And jealousy will only make the soul become as terrifying as a burning abyss.

Fourth Commandment: Do not hold grudges. I can think of her, but I can't blame her. She didn't betray you, she just gave up on you. Abandoning you is her freedom, there is nothing wrong with you. You cannot resent her freedom, just like you cannot resent a flower that blooms in spring, a white cloud that rises from the mountaintop, or a morning glow that appears in the sky.

Fifth warning: Do not be depressed. The spirit of sorrow withers the bones. You can no longer be depressed, you must pick yourself up, get into work as soon as possible, and start a new life bright and positive.

Sixth warning: Do not drink excessively. Drinking can release human animalistic instincts and also exacerbate human suffering. Alcohol cannot relieve pain or relieve worries. Excessive drinking will only make the farewell longer. In Chandler's "A Long Farewell," there is a saying: Farewell is a little bit of death. Yes, bidding farewell to someone you deeply love means dying a little bit every day, and excessive drinking can prolong and exacerbate this process of death. To live to death as soon as possible, one cannot drink excessively anymore. Only after being completely calm, can you drink more. It's okay to get drunk by then, and it's okay to get drunk and fall off the horse. Flowers and sand will catch you.

Seventh warning: Do not indulge. Indulgence only makes people more empty, and empty people have no strength to master the lost art.

Eighth Commandment: Do not fantasize. Give up all the fantasies that she will come back. When you have to leave someone, someone you have loved and buried all your past with, no matter how you leave, don't leave slowly. Do your best to leave decisively, never look back, and never believe that the past is better, because they have already disappeared.

Ninth Commandment: Do not despair. Don't fantasize, don't despair, stick to your beliefs, and live. You have so many beautiful past experiences, and your respective futures still have infinite possibilities. What reason do you have for despair?

Tenth Commandment: Do not forget. Proust once said a sentence that is very touching and suitable for you now: when a person cannot have it, the only thing they can do is not to forget. He also said another sentence, equally touching: even though life separates us, it cannot make us forget that beautiful time, it will always be precious.