The struggle within

Lately I've been wondering what happened in my past lives. How did I get stuck being okay with what I am? I am trying so hard to look within, and find the one I'm supposed to be. I know I am not there yet, I still have much work to do. How did I end up alone?

I was married, I thought it was forever. It was not. I was married again, hoped it wasn't forever. It was not. I don't know if I ever want to do it again. Right now at this moment it feels as though it is forever. That I will never find that kind of love. The kind that you see around you. Where people want to be together. Your friends, you watch them living, loving, having someone. Not you though.

When I was a teenager, way back in the 80's, I remember being out late with friends. Not really sure which friends, or why we were out late, but we were probably up to no good, just kidding we usually hung out with some music. This memory stuck in my head though, and maybe it isn't of this dimension but I remember being outside a window, and you could see inside to the front room, there was a middle aged couple, sitting in their recliners, watching the television.

Right then I thought, 'that's what I want'. I want to be with someone and be spending my evenings, watching a show, my love by my side, our kids sneaking out the back to go be kids and a feeling of being whole.

I've never gotten it Maybe it wasn't in my cards, or maybe I messed it up so bad that I just don't have it in me. I don't know. Some nights it is the best feeling in the world to be alone. Other nights, its dinner alone, again. It's tv that I don't really want to even watch. I'd rather be playing cards, or listening to music and talking. Meditating, Having long conversations about the Universe, the meaning of life.

This year has been the craziest year of my life. The Matrix is falling. The Pandemic of 2020. The Media is falling. The Government is falling. The Banks are falling. Every where you look there is something else falling apart and I know why but it would also be nice to have someone there, at the end of the day, just to talk. To get a hug. Cuddle with.

Then there is the positive of being alone. I can do whatever I want without someone telling me I can't. I can pay my own bills, Cook my own meals, make my own money. I can rip out the weedy lawn, or leave it there. I can take out the garbage cans, or not. I can eat out if I want or get delivery. Nobody takes off in my car. Nobody lies to me or cheats on me. I can meditate, read, work out, talk on the phone, scroll face book.... the list of what you can do when you are single just goes on and on.

They both have their pros and cons I guess. Maybe it's just not my time. I know I can take care of myself. I know I have it in me. I will not fail because I'm stepping out of my zone and doing things I've never done. I'm talking to people I would never have talked to. I'm not the same person I used to be when I was looking through windows and daydreaming in the dark.

Still wondering what must have happened, in each past life, I've had. Why is abandonment my middle name. I have only to keep looking inside, to find the things I've hurt me with, heal, not just for a minute but forever. To heal the generation that came before as well. Analyze the dreams I have, learn to read the colors. Keep looking within to find the me that's the best me their is.

During that time I'll hope to find the one that knows me well. With lessons learned, and wounds forgiven and healed. Maybe out there in all this mess he waits. Watching and looking for me. I'll keep healing and stepping out of my zone. Keep doing what is different, instead of what is instinct. I am light and love. I am stronger than any time before. I am. I am. I am never alone, because we are one. I am alone and that is fine.