The Struggle with Boundaries

I burst into tears the last time my partner left my apartment. It was one of those breakdowns where I knew how ridiculous I was, but I couldn’t stop being ridiculous. I pulled away from them, trying not to let my partner know I was crying, but tears were infinitely flowing. Feelings such as rejection, loneliness, and abandonment infiltrated my thoughts, even though I knew it was bullshit. My partner just needed some space.

My partner is a very loving, caring, beautiful human who is introverted and requires a little more space than I do.

Boundaries make me want to scream; I recognize their necessity, but I always want to kick walls down, like a child who isn’t getting that shiny new toy they want. I am getting better with this, but I used to be terrible at them.

Fast forward to the week’s therapy session; I can’t avoid the issue at hand.

“Why is it so triggering when other people set boundaries with you?”

My Therapist asks, and I struggle to come up with a response. I think for a moment and respond;

“Maybe because every time people have set boundaries before, it has been a rejection rather than something healthy, they need to do for themselves.”

Did I mention I’m a recovering codependent?

I’ve made a lot of progress with being able to set boundaries for myself. I can say “no,” when I don’t want to do something. I am prioritizing self-care when I need to.

Sometimes I am still crippled by my doubt. What if my friends hate me? What if I set a boundary and someone else gets mad? What if I hurt someone because I’m taking care of myself?

“Why are you trying to caretake everyone else’s needs?”

This time I don’t have an easy answer to my Therapist’s question. Maybe because it’s what I’ve always done, perhaps it’s because my codependent tendencies are sneaking back into my life, or perhaps it’s because I relate to how the person I’m setting a boundary with feels.

Those answers are all true but aren’t excuses to avoid boundaries. Boundaries take work. It’s exhausting and confusing to decide where I choose to spend my energy, on whom I choose to spend my energy, and how I decide to take care of myself. It’s all about finding a balance.

When I was in graduate school, my professor made my cohort of peers, and I read a book titled The New Codependency. Melody Beattie wrote this book and has written several others on the topic of Codependency. Her most famous is Codependent No More.

Melody’s work taught me a lot about setting boundaries. The first time I read The New Codependency, I wanted to throw the book into a fire. I was so enmeshed in a codependent friendship that it brought me to tears every time I opened it. I was a codependent stuck deep in the trenches of denial.

Two years later, the application of Melody’s work to my own life proved to be helpful. It helped me heal from a codependent friendship. It wasn’t easy; there’s a learning curve to enforcing boundaries when you are used to having none. It’s was even more challenging for me to admit that I thought my codependent friendship was “unlike” any other and that my friendship with my best friend was “so unique” that we would both walk to the end of the earth for each other because that’s what best friends do.

In reality, my friendship was unique, but not in a healthy way. It became so unhealthy that I idolized my best friend, put him on a pedestal. I didn’t know how to take care of myself because I was so busy taking care of his emotional needs.

I didn’t know how to take care of myself because I relied on my best friend to meet my financial needs. We were both using each other unintentionally. We both had a “Savior” complex of sorts for each other but in different ways.

“Codependency is normal behavior, plus. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. We forget where the other person’s responsibilities begin and our responsibilities stop. Or we get busy and have so much to do that we neglect ourselves.” -Melody Beattie; The New Codependency

Once I could define codependency, I could begin to heal from it. The difficulty lies in trusting that I’m a complete person. I can take care of my own needs. I don’t rely on others for my happiness.

When my partner says, “I need space,” I respect that. I cry sometimes, but I respect it. That’s what happens in healthy relationships.

When other people set boundaries with us, and we don’t like it, we are entitled to our feelings. We are valid in those feelings, but it says a lot about us if we choose to disrespect someone else’s boundaries.

Similarly, if we set boundaries with someone else and they become upset, we don’t have to go out of our way to caretake their needs. We have to trust that they can take care of themselves. It’s not our job to “handle” other people’s feelings or take care of them. We can still do this empathetically without being harsh.

Here are some helpful tips I’ve learned from setting boundaries and responding to others boundaries in the wrong way:

Set Limits

I wish my former workaholic self would have listened if I had told them that seeing 12 clients for therapy in one day is too much. It’s also ridiculous, unsustainable, and would eventually burn me out and make me doubt my work in a healing profession. I don’t currently see clients, but I would see six clients max in one day if I did. Breaks for lunch, walking, stretching, breathing, going to the bathroom are essential. Self-care and knowing your limits are also important. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Fill up your cup first by setting boundaries. Be proficient at saying no.

Practice Assertiveness

To effectively set boundaries, you can’t set them meekly. You have to know your boundary, state it clearly, and state what will happen if someone does not respect your limit. Boundaries become easier with practice. Be assertive in taking care of your own needs, don’t passively care for yourself.

Sit with Others, Don’t Caretake them

Caretaking behavior is often a red flag warning sign of codependency. It’s uncomfortable sometimes to sit with others through their pain, but this is more helpful than trying to “fix it.” Next time someone you love encounters a painful experience, find a way to sit with them through it, not take care of them through it.

Be Aware of Your Own Needs

I used to…I mean, I still feel guilty taking care of me sometimes. I could have spent that afternoon nap doing something more productive. I don’t need rest! Relaxing somehow became the most challenging thing on my to-do list. I learned to reframe this with the help of my Therapist into “I’m giving my body what it needs.” Taking care of my needs translates to other areas too, giving your body rest, relaxation, stretching, exercise, a massage when needed are all ways to take care of yourself in an empowering way.

Boundaries and taking care of yourself are the most important things you can do. It takes practice; the more you do it, the easier this becomes. Boundaries will eventually be a piece of cake!