The Sounding Board, and How it led to a Toxic Friendship

I had no idea that it would lead to this.

After my divorce, I joined a singles group and made friends with two guys who were going through the same challenges as I was. One of them was a friendly type, who invited me to his place to chat, and share our experiences with how the separations happened and how much we missed our kids and partners.

It wasn’t long before it became very obvious that all the conversation was becoming one-way. I was becoming a sounding board for my friend’s anger, frustration and loneliness. He repeated himself, going over the same issues regarding his former wife and her lack of communication regarding why she left, over and over.

To be a friend to him, I kept listening and offering advice, while he took little interest in my situation. I did not know how to break off this friendship, without being cruel. He was also a part of an expanding group of friends that I had made at that time.

He and I also spent a weekend at a caravan park, with our kids, fishing and doing what two friends do. It was a great time.

Then things changed.

We both joined another singles’ group, and met two women, one of whom started going out with him. Their relationship lasted for a while, and then she broke it off. I remember going to his place after this happened. He was sitting in his favourite chair, stewing over this rejection of him.

As it turned out, this woman, who was going through a nasty child custody case at the time, confided in me, and one thing led to another…

I was in a predicament that a lot of people find themselves in: do I go ahead with a new relationship, and being a support for this person in a very vulnerable time, or do I abide by the unwritten “Mates Law” — whatever you do, DO NOT CUT A MATE’S LUNCH!

I listened to my heart, and started the new relationship. This did not sit well with my friend, and although he did not say this to me himself, our friends let me know that I had “cut his lunch”, with going out with his former partner, even though she had ended the relationship with him.

His approach to me changed. He berated me for being late to outings we had arranged, even though I would let him know when I was delayed beforehand. I also found out that he was now very jealous of me, for my income, the “white collar” job I had, and my looks (this was the information that was relayed back to me from our common friends). The fact was, that my life was far from ideal at the time. I was struggling with the challenges of my new relationship, child support and missing my children when they were not with me.

The jealousy did not stop when my new relationship ended.

When I met the wonderful person who is now my wife, he still remained a part of our group of friends, but we were no longer close. He was a part of our wedding party, but was not my Best Man.

We did exchange posts on Facebook as my life became busy in my marriage (we have two children), mainly in the area of Australian Rules Football. I am a member of Richmond, and he supports St Kilda. I did cop a lot from him when my Tigers were struggling, and especially when his Saints were victorious over Richmond. I took it with a laugh. However, when I did let him know about his Saints’ shortcomings, it did not end well. His replies descended to personal attacks, and I was left asking: “Why?”

The words “toxic friendship” were constantly in my head, and I was left with the decision: do I block him on Facebook? I had never blocked anyone before, and, because of our long history, I was hesitant to do it.

Then he launched another personal attack in a Facebook Messenger conversation, and my mind was made up. I asked four friends if I should block him, and their response was unanimous — do it! Two of them had blocked him too. I then did it — it wasn’t easy.

The last time I saw him was when I was shopping for a shirt last year. When I left the store, I saw him on a travelator not far away. He just stared at me. I didn’t know what to say.

I conclude that this was a friendship, that, although it started well, became toxic. One of my friends gave the advice: sometimes people enter your life for a time, for a purpose. When that time is up, the purpose is over, and they leave.