The Price of Admission: From an INFJ
If It Costs Us Our Peace, It's too Expensive
The INFJ Door Slam is a Thing
I am big on the "always forward, never back" way of life. I am a master at the INFJ door slam. Once you have exited my Universe, it's as if you were never in it. Sure, you could say that's cold. You could even say heartless, ruthless, unfeeling, unyielding or...you could go so far as to label it dramatic. Say what you will, but I have been burned too many times by too many people to be able to know how to survive any other way. And, as the other highly rare make-up-only-ten-percent-of-the-population INFJ's can attest, the INFJ door slam is common amongst those with our ultra-rare personality type.
Nostalgia Who? We Don't Know Her
I don't do nostalgia. I don't do look-backs or useless retrospectives in the hopes I will uncover the secret recipe of righting any particular wrongs or undoing any prior fuck ups. It just isn't how I operate. I take what I learned, I move on, I move forward, and I keep my eyes ahead, I don't cast woeful glances in the rearview.
When someone leaves my life, I let them go. Then, as far as I'm concerned, they can stay gone....forever. Our time together is through. Our season is over. Lessons were learned, and for better or for worse, lessons that I am ultimately grateful for, because I always learn something from those connections, but lessons with an emphasis on the learned -- full past tense, full stop. As in, done, over, kaput.
But What About Second Chances?
Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances. I love a good redemption story as much as the next person. But the fact is, most people don't get that. I also believe that not a single one of us has met all of the people who are going to love us yet. So, I suppose you could say I'm heavy on the "Thank you, Next" vibe.
As I have gotten older and my boundaries more solid, my requirements higher and my desire for peace expanded, the price of admission to be in my life is high. So high, in fact, most people can't afford it. A recluse, you say? Perhaps. If being a recluse means that I prioritize feeling safe in energy and I feel safest in my own then paint me 87 shades of a recluse, with pride. I wear my solitude like a comfortable blanket on a cold day. It's welcoming and calm. But, knowing this, I also began to wonder should there be a situation in my life where someone were to show up on my doorstep and ask for that second chance, what would the price of admission be?
What's The Price of Admission For a Second Time Around?
I suppose for some, what's done is done, and things are all forgiven, but access to me would still be denied. The price of admission went up and the truth is, I have no desire to reconnect with most people. For others, for those where I would find a piece of my heart that did miss them and did want to explore if there was any magic left in a connection I once held so dear, that's a different story.
For those, the price of admission would be incredibly steep. It would be giving me the knockdown drag-out fight they denied me in their cowardice of walking away, and nothing else would do. Because if they truly want back into my life, I need them to understand how they made me feel when they abandoned me, and that won't be a kind, gentle or sweet conversation. It will be full teeth-baring, tongue-curling vitriol from top to bottom. Then, and only then, if we both decide the outcome of this argument is acceptable would we lay the groundwork for a new and different type of connection; one where boundaries would remain firmly in place, and one where if I catch them slipping, even a little, would be my turn to leave. But also, with a promise. A promise to talk things out first, a promise to tell them if I felt like there was nothing left, and a promise that I would keep, because I know how it feels to be left out in the cold.
And, just like the price of admission to gain access to me is high, the price to get access to me again is higher. For some, too high. I'm okay with this. Because as I said, my peace is my priority. And I had to pay the highest of prices to obtain it. If that isn't something you can understand, I absolutely do not need you in my life.
As a INFJ through and through, I find the most peace alone, and that will likely never change. Afterall, it's like that quote, "If you ever meet a loner and they tell you that they enjoy their solitude, it is because they have tried too many times to blend into this world and people continue to disappoint them." What it doesn't mean though is that we stop looking. We are always looking for our people. It's just that our people are remarkably hard to find, because, like us, they are incredibly rare. So? We will wait. Forever, if we have to, because we can always count on ourselves to keep us company.
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