The Perks of Being a Gentleman

"Hello! ...So nice to see you again!

Please; pull up a chair (or permit me to pull out a seat for you).

...and welcome back to those who saw this before! So sorry to trouble you again but I did have something else to add before..."

Over the top? Maybe. Stilted? That bit of miscommunication is always going to be there in written word with no tone present. Socially awkard? Yes. Nevertheless, you've already stopped in and I appreciate it. Permit me to continue...

Most of us guys when we were little had a mother/grandmother/female guardian figure who would try to instill "manners" into us via words, anecdotes, repetition, and persuasion when we missed the mark (if we were very fortunate, we had a male role-model who LIVED OUT what "manners" looked like from the standpoint of one day becoming a gentleman). Here are some tips and tricks of the trade that those who brought us up most likely tried to teach us; and WHERE some of them might come in handy...

PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

The earliest lesson of being a gentleman (even before "holding open the door"/"opening the passenger car door first"/"pulling out a chair;" maybe even before "clean up your plate") would probably be "say Please/Thank You/You're Welcome" (just try to get them in the correct order/respond with the correct phrase).

The simplest way to be treated with politeness is generally to put it out there first. A genuine "please" or "thank you" could very well lead to a genuine "you're welcome" (and NOT a sarcastic one that is meant to be delivered where everyone in earshot can hear the snarkiness intended because, yeah, whoever forgot "Please" or at least "Thanks" dropped the ball first).

Maybe I'm being a bit too much of a stickler on this point; but it's the one point that I'm almost always consistent at.

HOLD OPEN THE DOOR

If you're the first person to the door, hold it open for your party/family/date.

Now, nowhere is it written that you should bulldoze other members of your party aside like tenpins to be the first to the door to exercise that bit of "gentlemanly" conduct. Yeah; once you do that, the whole "gentlemanly conduct/politeness" charade should be just called out for the facade that it is because you're no longer impressing anyone.

Also, when holding open the door for YOUR family/party/date, maybe it's nice to hold it open for the next group in line, maybe even the group after that. But much longer after that and...well, YOUR party probably has places to be. I make THAT mistake all of the time leaving church or something, only to consider myself relieved of "door" duty when the NEXT person comes along to put THEIR back to the door in my place.

...and when someone holds the door for YOU, well, that brings us back to "Thank You" ("Thanks" ONLY if you're in a hurry and not thinking it through).

This does also bring up the point of a held door and you're entering while another group is exiting. I STILL don't know the correct answer to THAT bit of traffic congestion or who is to yield first.

THE MAN KEEPS IN STEP WITH HIS LADY, THEN WALKS ON THE OUTSIDE.

I, honestly, STILL have never had a date, so I STILL haven't tested this one in the wild with someone I WISH to be out with.

To this day, when I'm out and about with my mother, I need to practice keeping in step with her; except...

No exceptions. I know that she constantly pauses every three yards for I don't know what reason. I know that, after a lifetime of being told that I never walked fast ENOUGH for this woman, I'm now being hectored at for moving too quickly. This is WHY I walk alone; until I meet someone who...

...I'm just going to make the same mistakes in front of.

Now, I know that walking side-by-side means "I'm with you" and "We can talk." "We're together." Maybe the adage of "man walks on outside" to protect from puddles/gawkers/traffic is "old hat" and needs modernized; among THESE gentlemanly rules, I lose track of which still fits.

HOLD OPEN THE CAR DOOR/PULL OUT THE LADY'S CHAIR

One of these days, I'm not only going to have the date; I'm going to have a car as well. THESE will come into play.

At least for the FIRST date to set the right impression, I might open the passenger door first to allow her in. THEN, upon arriving at (eatery of choice), hold open the door. THEN, pull out her chair for her and let her sit first.

As they used to say, I could give those adages the old college try at least on the first date and try to gage the results.

The fact of the matter is, these were all once common-place attributes for a reason...

CLEAN YOUR PLATE

Was there one child in North America (maybe even the civilized world) that has not heard this one at LEAST once?

When we were YOUNG, this rule was common place to clean our plate (We had to gorge ourselves on behalf of "the starving children in China." [BELCH!]).

We'll talk about the "belch" later...

Anyway, a gentleman (or a lady for that matter) cleaned their plate; and, if they didn't, it was NOT because "I DON'T LIKE THAT FOOD!"

THIS cardinal rule of a YOUNG gentleman gets a little hairy when I measure it against my use of the FitBit now to not only exercise a little bit more but (you guessed it) eat smaller portions. My parents now know and understand my new dietary needs and, until I ALSO add "place and dining room table of my own" on TOP of "car," "first date," "traditionally published," etc., they are being MORE than indulging about this. As for eating out...well, I now at least ask for a box if I'm being presented with something too much for me. Once that box gets home with me, whether I ever reheat it or not has just become MY concern. (...If a gentleman ALSO "lives for reheated food," I'm afraid that that rule just lost me).

NO PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD/BELCHING.

Alright, you got me on the suggested "BELCH" above.

There is a time for play; the dining room table around breakfast or supper isn't it.

Also, I can't pinpoint WHICH culture it is where "BURP" is translated to "My compliments to the chef;" it DOESN'T mean that here in North America.

USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE WHEN POSSIBLE

This, obviously, hits a snag in a loud restaurant/concert/sporting event (It's also rather gentlemanly to at least try to make yourself AUDIBLE to your companion).

A good rule of thumb is that you're probably only trying to talk to the people in your party (oh; and, in the case of a restaurant, the person trying to take care of you too...)

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE/ SPEAK PLEASANTLY...

...THIS rule is so straight-forward that it's PAINFUL that I don't follow it more often myself.

Yes, at the age of thirty-(BLEEP), watching my language is STILL a struggle (No; the "bleep" was not to sarcastically suggest cursing).

Even I know that I should do better and, by now, it's high-time that I continue berating MYSELF on how to be a gentleman, not the stereotype of a sailor...

TIPPING

The gentleman leaves his house for his favorite restaurant with AT LEAST enough not only for a meal; but for AT LEAST...a...maybe the bare minimum tip ought to be 10%-15% (Do NOT quote me on the MINIMUM tip. I know every good eatery in town now and their bartenders know ME because I notoriously shoot for 20-25% on a meal. It's even more ridiculous when I get a $3 soda and won't go beneath a $1 tip).

Anyway, even I know that I'm overdoing it some; I have a friendly repertoire with the bar staff and I may or may not be overcompensating for "bad" tippers who may or may not have been in attendance tonight.

So, try to have at least 15-18% left over to tip for a meal (or at least carry a credit card with you).

From there, it's the gentleman's call what the server should get.

If the server keeps you waiting too long in a restaurant that is not that busy, or seems put out with waiting on you, or isn't even trying to be pleasant with you, 15 it is (I would even look the other way on 10).

If the server seems to be trying their very best, but also seems to be having an off-day, 18.

Good food, great service reaches the mecca of 20+%

(or, if you have formed a great repertoire with your local servers, the 20+% might as well be the rule of thumb. Warning: In this case, you might want to modify how often you eat out)...

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF OTHERS...

This one can get difficult to put a finger on.

"Get a good job for decent money and then you can take care of yourself and others."

Between a pandemic and local government policies responding to it, a lot of good, reasonably polite people might still be out of work/have seen severe cuts in hours/may or may not be getting called back about job applications. It doesn't make a person who has been putting himself out there in the first place "impolite" or "ungentlemanly." (That being said, there comes a time when a person should be able to reasonably take care of their own financial needs; THEN, they can talk about meeting someone new and adding someone important to them to their financial life).

"Dress nice."

...I haven't shaven in a couple of weeks again and I'm currently sitting in my office in my "Justice League" t-shirt, favorite dark blue jeans, and Sketchers. Who am I dressed up for; the television in the corner? The computer monitor and keyboard? YOU, the very kind reader, who didn't HAVE TO KNOW how I was dressed?

For the most part, the rule about how a gentleman dresses himself OUT AND ABOUT or ON THE JOB has a point. Some places require a suit. Even ruling out the suit, some places prefer long sleeves or shirts that DON'T have the 70's animated forms of Batman, Superman, Hawkman, the Flash, etc. on them. A gentleman should know the difference; and plan accordingly before going out.

...Okay; it's also been a while since I've physically combed my hair of my own accord. THAT part, I might work on...

LISTEN

Part of having a CON-VER-SATION is to listen to the other person and weigh the interest in what they're saying.

(No, huffing/puffing, squirming, checking your watch, mumbling are NOT filed under "LISTENING!" I'm talking to you...self).

If you want a dialogue/conversation to happen, it works both ways. And I, for one, prefer to be treated as though my words mean something.

EYE CONTACT

When speaking to someone important to you and even when hearing their side of a dialogue, EYE CONTACT matters!

(Fellow-Gentlemen-in-Training, the lady's EYES are located in right about the same place ON HER FACE as ours are. Guilty).

Maintaining eye-contact let's your company know that you are SERIOUS about (her/him/them) and that you treat them with respect. It also is the best way to show that you are interested in what they are saying or are listening...

A GENTLEMAN SEES HIS FANCY TO HER DOOR...

This could be important.

You've had a great evening with a great lady (remember, this is life advice for the gentlemen. Ladies, you can still take notes and judge your current escort accordingly). Now, you're back at her place.

"Drop-and-Dash" (unless you're evening was so terrible that that was pre-arranged before getting home) ISN'T going to cut it.

See her to her door. Assure her that you had a nice time.

HER response upon being seen to her front stoop is HER call to make.

By the way...

"NO" MEANS "NO!"

I don't know who needs to be reminded about this part but...well, I'm the author and I remember who I was in college when I had my mind set on more than friendship.

Where I come from, "MAYBE" is the only response that should be taken as "maybe," be that for a dance, for a kiss, for a HUG, for that first date at all, for...stuff that I won't put into writing.

...Yeah; an honest "NO" is more straightforward than a polite/uncertain "maybe." "Maybe" could be "try harder," or it could be "uh...you're coming on pretty strong here for my liking...;" but the dreaded "maybe" is NOT "Go for it, STUD!" no matter WHAT the question was.

THE PERKS OF BEING A GENTLEMAN...

The PERKS; I promised you PERKS!

Any genuine person can pretty much guarantee that the people around them are genuine too. And a gentleman tries his best to be GENUINE.

Seriously, if "gentlemanliness" is to be treated as a mask to remove in some situations and quickly and sloppily reapply to enter others, you're going to get exhausted. (And we're in the middle of a pandemic; we all HATE masks by now [but the real ones are to protect others around us]).

Anyway, "Gentlemen try to be GENUINE" (now, I think I'm talking to Gatsby...)

I'm not saying that I'll ever be PERFECT at being a gentleman every time; I should at least try to be GENUINE about my attempts at it.

The gentlemanly advice columnist thanks you for reading; and wishes you a lovely day! Please, if you would be so gracious as to have reached the end of this reading so that it qualifies as a read and leave a heart too, I will rest assured that gentlemanly life advice has been shared with a larger target audience. Also, if it pleases you, the tip jar is always open. Why thank you; and, please, be blessed!

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