The Patriarchy Hurts Men, Too

This article contains mentions of mental health, suicide, and assault, and may be triggering to some. Read at your own discretion.

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In my years on the internet, I've spent far too much time arguing with men: about toxic masculinity, about inceldom, about mental health. As a person who was socialized as female growing up, it was always easy to blame my male counterparts for their aggression, or their apathy, or their entitlement. It was easy to get frustrated about the ways we were different - and truthfully, I have wasted way too much time giving up on trying to make men see sense, but getting older means gaining the understanding behind why people act the way they do. In short, most of the problems with society can be traced back to one idea: the patriarchy.

We can describe the patriarchy as a social system in which men (primarily cisgender, heterosexual white men) hold positions of dominance and privilege. Although it's unknown when the patriarchy came about exactly, the domination of non-men by men dates as far back as 3100 BCE. Feminist theories have labelled the patriarchy as a system of oppression of women - but, while it's true that the patriarchy is harmful to women and non-men, it's harmful to men as well. We can't raise well-adjusted, respectful sons without acknowledging the damage the patriarchy does to boys throughout their lives.

How does the patriarchy hurt boys and men?

1. Men are not allowed to know emotion, or to feel the emotion of others. Throughout history, men and boys have been trained to be stoic: to deny any less-than happy feelings, because to show emotion means to be weak, and weakness is for women. Stifling emotions in such a way means men struggle with mental health much more commonly than others, and they aren't taken as seriously if they do speak out. Within the patriarchy, there's an idea that men are emotionless or angry, which often leads to violence as an outlet, as a way of expressing the negativity that's been bottled inside. Society should know by now that boys have feelings too, and they need to be expressed in healthy ways like anyone else's.

Similarly, in the same way the patriarchy expects men to diminish their own emotions, it expects them to also diminish those of other people. Perhaps this is because feeling anything in general is feminine, and so, in order to not come across as feminine, emotions can't be shown at all.

2. Men have to work hard and be tough, because their struggles don't matter. The "job" of a man, as it has been deemed by society, is to work a full-time job, and to make enough money to support a potential family (even if this way of making money leaves them miserable). The expectation to work nine to five and to never complain takes a mental toll on a person - and so they bury themselves in their work as a distraction from the stress of work and the toll of stoicity. Most women are able to find emotional support if they need it: from friends, from colleagues, or even from safe spaces online or in person. Most men suffer in silence, because safe spaces don't cater to them.

Let's take a minute to talk about suicide. In 2020, the suicide rates for men were ten times higher than that of women or non-men. In addition, despite women attempting more often, men tend to choose more lethal means to take their life, making their success rates much higher. Would this be prevented (or significantly decreased) if men were given a safe space to discuss and be given support about their mental health? Odds are, yes.

3. Men are entitled, because they are superior. Therefore, not receiving what you feel you deserve is a cause for anger. The heirarchy of men being above women and non-men in society means that boys are raised with the belief that they are entitled to things simply for being boys: things like sex, jobs, attention, whatever they want, essentially. This sort of entitlement leads to things like incels on the internet, and men forcing themselves onto women who have rejected them. The mindset that boys will be boys means that, quite commonly, the rejection of a man leads to physical violence or threats. We can blame toxic masculinity on the patriarchy, but we need to understand that men who act this way are victims to this system just as much as everybody else is.

To end the idea that men are the default (and therefore: superior), we must confront the problematic ideals that society has taught to men as a whole. Often, these ideas and mindsets are passed down from fathers to sons to grandsons, and it will continue to be this way for as long as society allows the patriarchy to stand. There's the problem, though. It isn't something, really, that we allow. It's just something that is: an indisputable part of society, enmeshed into every aspect of everyday life.

4. Men have to be manly, tough, both physically and emotionally. The ideal image of a man, according to the patriarchy, is tall, and muscular, and bearded (and those who don't fit this image are considered less of a man). Masculinity is both complex and toxic, and there's more than one way to show it. The idea that every man and boy must be masculine and heterosexual puts the lives of LGBTQIA+ men at risk. It excludes those who are short or bulky. It molds the male ego into a fragile and insecure state - so that men who don't feel masculine enough react with anger, and men who don't feel others are masculine enough react with violence.

5. Man cannot be victims, because they are stronger and smarter than women. I have heard countless stories of men who have been sexually or physically assaulted by girlfriends or wives, and rarely are these admissions taken seriously. It's reiterated by most that men cannot be victims simply because they are men: forced to be aggressive and violent, and told to stand up for themselves. Being a man is so much more than stoicity, or working out, or fighting with one another to win the attention of a potential mate. There is certainly not one way to be a man; it isn't defined by anything outside of what we define it as.

6. Men are not good caregivers, nor should they be responsible for looking after their children. Ask any single father if he feels accepted by society, and you'll probably be met with a resounding No. The patriarchy forbids men from being paternal, from supporting their children beyond putting a roof over their heads. Why is it that a single mother is told to work harder for her children, or to be more attentive, while a single father is praised for being a father? The answer to this, of course, lies in one thing only: the patriarchy. We expect birth givers to be caregivers, and fathers to be breadwinners, while idolizing men who support their children in more ways than just buying them things.

Toxic men raise toxic sons, who raise more toxic sons: but men themselves can't be blamed for this toxicity, and we need to remember this. A man who has been hurt by the patriarchy is unlikely to confess as much, instead pretending to be superior and smart to stifle the idea of being insecure, and to avoid the possibility of being seen as weak. It isn't weak to come forward and admit to be struggling, or to ask for help. The truth is that, while the patriarchy trains women to be fearful and mistrustful, it trains men to hate themselves.

In some way or another, every single person alive has been harmed by the patriarchy: but it still continues to live on, and it still forces itself onto us, training children to act a certain way to get by. It's time for a revolution. It's time for us, as a generation, to raise our children to fight for an equal future. But how do we do this? Educate: ourselves and others. Assert: that boys deserve access to safe spaces, and support, and emotional vulnerability. Challenge: gender roles, sexism, toxic masculinity. Acknowledge: gender inequality in school or work, homophobia, and racism. As long as the patriarchy exists, society - and everybody inside of it - will be flawed and hurt.