The Path of Patience

I had the insight recently that my whole life path has been about learning and cultivating patience. Since I was a young child I have struggled with being able to exercise patience for even short periods of time. Other kids seemed a lot more chilled out while I was often worrying and fretting about what was coming up next. I would complete school projects at record speed and would often get mad at myself for taking too long and making small mistakes. I would frantically finish homework so I could get to the fun stuff. When I was trying to enjoy myself in a certain activity I was often looking forward and anticipating the next thing that was coming up.

During one Christmas season I had asked my parents for a Mr. Potato Head toy. (Or was it Santa that I asked?) I was so caught up in anticipation about receiving it that I drove myself almost crazy in the days leading up to receiving it on Christmas Eve. When I opened it I felt this frantic elation and a moment of completion as my impatience abated for that moment. I played with it for a while but soon got bored with it as kids do, and began concocting the next desire to chase after and impatiently wait for.

When I got into my spiritual path my impatience amped up to an even more intense level. I was addicted to the idea of spiritual enlightenment and meditated and prayed with white-knuckled ferocity trying to reach some apex of conscious development. I had these powerful glimpses of a Loving Reality beyond my ego and I was determined to reach the place that the great masters and sages of the past and present were pointing me towards.

I didn't really allow myself to appreciate that the spiritual path can be a long and multidimensional process, rather than a quick fix or instant gratification solution to my suffering. Because I couldn't get from where I was to complete enlightenment in one meditation sitting I became really frustrated and doubled down on my drinking, cannabis, and psychedelic use.

I would get high and then try to meditate and "jump" my way into a transcendent state. The tantalizing glimpses of unconditional Love would seem to come and go and my emotional ups and downs were exacerbated by all my substance abuse. I started to get really frustrated because I knew there was this beautiful Divine reality and yet I couldn't seem to stay there.

I started getting really impatient and standoffish with people in my life, because I felt as though they were like obstacles on my path to peace and enlightenment. I would try to get social interactions "over with" as quickly as possible so I could get back to my drug use and sloppy meditation practice. Isolation became my modus operandi and the world started to look very foreboding and threatening.

I entered 12 Step Recovery to get past my substance addictions, and my impatient mind states followed me right into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and various treatment centres. I tried to complete my inner work at record speeds in order to find some existential relief. I glossed over everything at a superficial level and kept relapsing. I wasn't giving myself enough time on each Step to really process and embody the lessons I was learning because I was just seeking the next "hit" of relief from a new spiritual modality. I would get intermittent relief, but I wasn't really digging deep enough to get to the bottom of things and have the lasting peace and happiness I saw others clearly demonstrating in their daily lives through service to others.

Being of service to others is one of the biggest factors that is emphasized in any spiritual path and tradition worth its salt. My patience was really tested when I attempted to step outside myself and truly care for the needs of those around me. I would do some small acts of service and then wonder, "What's in it for me?" I was seeking instant gratification through helping others, which really meant I was still completely caught up in self-centred thinking.

It wasn't until I started doing service consistently as part of my daily life that relief started creeping in and sticking around longer than a few moments. I begun to realize that the spiritual path is a way of living and being in the world rather than a means to make myself feel better. Starting to existentially feel better is a natural and gradual by-product of thinking and acting differently and orienting myself more and more towards service rather than self-centeredness.

Being patient amidst discomfort and difficult feelings has been the biggest learning curve for me on the path. I had the insight at one point that it simply doesn't matter how I feel, I'm just going to do the next right thing anyway. This seemed almost harsh or cruel to my ego, and yet my soul found it profoundly liberating and empowering. I'm able to cultivate love and be of service no matter how much suffering I'm going through.

Walking the path is like taking a slow release pain medication. I don't really know when it kicked in, but I look back and realize that my suffering has been greatly reduced. The old habit patterns in my mind then say, "Sweet, I feel a lot better! I guess I can let up on my meditations and service work now." Thankfully, people with more experience are there to remind me that its important to keep doing what works rather than resting on my laurels. The tendency to get into a comfort zone and become complacent is a big trap, and I've fallen into it many times over the years.

It was as though I told myself, "I've been patiently working on myself and loving myself long enough. I deserve to take a break and have some fun!" Now I realize its about having fun while doing the work rather than seeing it as some foreboding obligation or arduous chore to get over with as quickly as possible. A little bit of patience has gone a long way in my recovery, and it motivates me to keep going when times get tough.