The Mask I Wear

Why does it feel like my heart is trying to escape my body? Why does it feel like it wants to die? Why do I feel this overwhelming grief and sadness? Why do I feel like I’m nothing more then a burden & the world would seem better without me? I guess I’m depressed, I guess I hate myself, I guess this life just isn’t for me. Any time I try, I fail. Any time I jump, I fall. Any time I try to love I just end up hurting.

I’m told to stay positive and think on the brighter side. How can I think on the brighter side when my mind is the one keeping me in the dark. My brain thinks I’m worthless while also telling me to keep trying. My own mind and thoughts are telling me that my brain is damaged but also that it’s all ok.

How can I get better if I am the poison? Others don’t understand that I don’t want to feel this way. They don’t understand that when I hit a low it’s not just me having a bad day. They don’t understand that I’m not being over dramatic. A simple “buck up! Look on the brighter side!” Or “things will get better.” Aren’t going to cure me. I don’t just have a sickness, I am the disease. I’m not just having a bad day, I’m depressed!

Just to set the record straight, I don’t hate my life. In fact I love my life, my family and friends. But, I do hate myself. I hate the way I feel, the way I look, the way I sound. I don’t want to die but I do feel like everyone would be better without me. Without being dragged down by my weighted issues. It kills me to feel this way but it hurts more to pretend like I don’t. All the smiles and laughs are the mask I wear to keep my dark secret.

If you knew I felt this way then you’d look at me different. I don’t want you to look at me different, I want you to save me, love me, help me! This never ending battle in my head is too much to handle! I want it to end! I need it to stop! Please just make it stop! What I need is silence. Only problem is, the silence is deafening. The silence is where my depression lives and I don’t want to visit him. I don’t want to talk with him because he’ll just weigh heavy on my heart.

My heart can only take so much, my heart just wants to love. But my heart isn’t the center of me, my brain is. My sick, infested, no good, disgusting brain is my central core. How messed up is that? It’s like trying to run for safety but as soon as you think you’re safe you look around and see that you haven’t gone anywhere. You can’t run from it because you are it. You can’t kill the monster because you are the monster. These demons you try so hard to avoid are what stare back at you when you look in the mirror.

Depression isn’t what you think it is. You think this is a quick fix issue and you have the answers. I’m sorry but you don’t, no one does. Truth is no one ever will, I’m destined to wander the darkness for what feels like eternity. Or is that my mind just making me believe that. Is there a cure? Is there a way out? Is there happiness? Probably not. But then again, maybe? No, I don’t think so. But maybe if I? No. This is just how it is. This is how it will always be.

Sad truth is this is just a peak into my everyday. You’ve yet to even scratch the surface, what you’ve just experienced is nothing more then a snippet of the full track. This Goliath can’t be seen all at once or fully from a distance. No, instead this is something you live up close and never see until it’s already got you wrapped up and ready to kill. There’s no escape, there’s no salvation, there’s just depression and the mask I wear to hide it.

(If you or someone you know is depressed then please seek help. Find someone to talk to. There are plenty of numbers and websites you can check out for help. Remember you are loved and deserve love.)