The Leader, The Know it All, The Lone Wolf

Everything has to be completed, on time, no cutting corners, no passing the buck. Therefore I have to do it on my own.

Many a time, I have been told I am an old soul. Really I think it’s just part of being a Capricorn, we are the mature, responsible ones. I am the mum friend in my friend group. We take care of everybody else, no questions asked. We do it because we love them not because we have to or are asked to.

Staying true to my Capricorn self, I am going to overshare and turn this into a personal report on my nature and life experience. Because whatever you ask of a Capricorn, you will get.

As a kid I tried to explain to my family what the thoughts were like inside my head. I drew a picture of trains going every which way, all different directions. There was a traffic jam in my brain. Mind you my nan thought I needed to see a psychologist at this point, she couldn't understand how a kid could be so stressed out. Somehow I learned to live like this and navigate every train of thought I saw visually in my mind.

I never liked team sports, instead I just wanted to be the boss, or the leader. I loved politics in school because arguing for a reason was so much fun.

I rarely ‘have fun’ as a way of life. Having fun for me must be scheduled. This does not make me unhappy, this is not a sad fact. It just means I’d rather have fun at an appropriate time, with certain people. Usually the things I find fun are things that are childlike, like going to Zing or EB Games and fangirling over all the merchandise, going to the movies with my best friends, playing arcade games. This is probably because the mature little person inside me wasn’t so much in a hurry to grow up as it was that I never felt the need for childish things when I was a child. As a small child I refused to watch Playschool because I thought it was for babies, imagine my horror when my daughter told me the same thing.

As the eldest child, I always had a sense of responsibility. I have been a mum for almost 3 years and although some see it as an adventure, a way of life, I see it as the hardest job I’ve ever had. I am the boss and yet on the daily I answer to a 2 year old child who is the mini version of myself, sarcasm and all.

Now let me tell you, if English was not my first language, sarcasm would have been. I could not make it through the day without it.

I’ve been raised on traditional family values and discipline. I always follow the rules for example, being raised in a Christian home I was forbidden to read or watch the Harry Potter series. To this day I never have seen all of it, just the odd movie snippets when someone else is watching or that time my grade 3 teacher read Philosophers Stone to us at reading time. I literally blocked the entire thing out because I didn’t want to go to hell (serious 7 yr old me thoughts).

I follow the rules as if I were a nun in the habit. I have only ever stolen one thing in my whole life and that was a bubble gum. I was a kid, I was so hungry and my mum insisted on going shopping before we got lunch and I ate the bubble gum at the shop. To this day I still feel sick thinking about it. It was the most out of character thing I’ve ever done. The first time I got high I called my mum to let her know. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I wanted to let her know I was okay and that I was safe and in charge of my own decision making. (Typical Capricorn, broke the rules while initiating great responsibility).

We Capricorns complain a lot about the way other people do things and it’s only because we expect nothing but perfection. Quite often we already know what other people's abilities and capabilities are and therefore know how much of a workload another person could or could not handle. Here’s why we tend to multitask, take on more than we should, delegate smaller obsolete jobs to others and in the end still do everything ourselves.

I had an ex partner who said this to me - “If ever there was a job to tell other people how to do their job, that would be your job.” To this day, I still carry those words around in my heart because they are right on point. Thank you Michael. I respect that everyone has a different opinion in this world. Although others may have seen that as a negative, I never truly heard a reflection of myself be so accurate as that.

I am a workaholic, I used to have an 8 - 5 job and leave the office at 9 or 10pm. I am willing to sacrifice many things in order to get the job done. When I was an acting student, I’d write a full script in one night, be done by 5 in the morning and have a 2 hour nap before getting to class at 8am. As a mum, I stay awake till 3am perfecting birthday cakes and making lists to organise my day. Sleep, food, relationships, they can all get lost or put on the back burner when I’m busy attending to a job or creating a new project.

Quite often I prefer to work alone on projects. I know others choose to work with me so I can carry their weight. I do not appreciate others taking credit for something I’ve worked my ass off for and they’ve simply put their name on.

I’m not afraid to step over people or leave them behind to reach my goals. When I first meet new people I usually tell them I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to get the job done. In rare circumstances I walk away with the odd friend or two and when we do become friends I will love you unconditionally, warts and all as if you were my own family. I will take care of you like a mother hen, give you advice whether you ask for it or not, encourage you to do better in your life even if it’s not something you want to hear. When I know something is wrong, sometimes I have to just sit back and let you find out on your own, the hard way, tears and all. I will always be here for you to talk to. I like listening, I listen to people’s problems a lot because I want to help in any way I can. I want my friends to know I’m always there for them and because I can so easily remove my own feelings from any given situation, I can listen to their problems and understand without being emotionally involved or having conflicting feelings with the situation at hand.

Often I don’t have the emotions normal people have. When I’m asked why I don’t reciprocate feelings of love someone has for me, I simply say I have a heart of ice. I don’t. I just don’t like wasting real feelings on things that are temporary. Rarely will I share with you my real emotions and even rarer still will you ever hear me say I love you. Instead I show it with my actions.

Off the top of my head these are things I don't like: Lies, secrecy, people touching my things, surprises, people touching me, germs, naughty kids, time wasters, over explaining myself, being questioned or second guessed.

Things I love: honesty, punctuality, confidence, loyalty, generosity, goal oriented people, traditional family values, hard work.

When people find out my birthday is on New Year's Eve, they get so excited and the first thing I hear is “Wow, that’s the best time of the year to party!” “You must have a big party!”

These people obviously don’t know me. I am not a reckless partier. My birthday is as organised and orderly as any other project in my life. No one is allowed to surprise me for my birthday, I hate surprises - all surprises will be met with curse words and the icy presence of me leaving.

On my birthday each year I hold a breakfast for my closest family, which is about 30 people. I shop for, prepare and cook the entire meal for everyone who comes to celebrate. No one helps me in the kitchen as I want everything done right. Everyone goes about their own business and we take the kids for an afternoon swim. That evening if there is a basketball game in the city we will go and then catch the midnight fireworks before making our way home. Anyone who tries to mess with these plans will not be invited to spend the next birthday with me, hence why I’m single.

I can read people quite easily and from the moment I meet you, I will know your true intentions and decide whether I want to get to know you further or not. It doesn’t take much for me to see past the bullshit or the smokescreens of who you try and portray to be. So it’s best to be honest and upfront from the get go or you will not have a place in my life or my family. When it comes to my family I will protect my baby like a mother tiger protects her cubs.

My favourite quality of being a Capricorn is being capable of so much, knowing so much and not being the one to flaunt it. People who know things and throw their weight around about it make me sick. If you’re great at something, great, show me, don’t go on and on about it. On a daily basis I look around and see people who boast about things in their lives that I think are somewhat mediocre but I sit there in silence. I listen and boy do I listen a lot. But never will you hear me interrupting to tell them I’m bored. I'd rather let them see me staring deep past their eyes into what their soul is actually saying.

If I don’t like a person but am forced to be around someone for example in a work situation or if they are now my in law, I will find a way to get to know and like that person. I don't waste my time and energy on things like hate for people. I would rather dig until I find something in common with you or just find out your interests and learn more about that topic so we have something to talk about. I don’t like when people are left out and if there is an obvious black duck being left out, I will try to include you.

Before coming to me with a rumour or gossip be sure you have hard hitting evidence or facts that I can see and believe. I don’t ever just take someone’s words for anything, I need to know the truth. The truth is the most desirable quality a person could have in my eyes. Generosity being the next. I don’t mean generosity as in lets share our food because goodness NO! I don’t share food. That is a good way to lose a finger. I mean generosity in the greater sense, being willing to give all you have and expect nothing in return. I don’t expect money owed, I don’t expect a pat on the back, half the time I don’t even hear thank you. But I will always be willing to give and I could only hope someone else could do that too without pride.

Time wasting is a no no for me. If we agreed to meet at 6:30pm, I will show up at 6:15pm at the latest. People who say they are almost there when they haven’t yet left their house nah ah. If you tell me you’ll be back, I will wait for you, I will believe that you’re returning. If in 6 months or a year I haven't seen any growth in you, goodbye.

Honesty is for real people. Say what is on your mind and in your heart because I’m going to. I have no problem speaking the truth, no matter how blunt it may be. Say what you want. Ask for the things you want in life. Ask and it shall be given to you, not say one thing and in your mind hope for another. I’m not a mind reader and I will take anything you say literally.

What makes me happy is when I’ve completed something, this could be as simple as a birthday cake or as big as a Fundraising night. I have thrown many Fundraisers for Breast Cancer foundations or for individual Breast Cancer fighters. I love helping others more than anything. I don’t like hugs, I don’t like emotions, I don’t like mushy feelings and things that make you cry. But more than anything I like to make people feel loved, valued and appreciated.

Although I’m fairly level headed and have the patients of a Saint, when I’m mad that’s a whole other story. When I’m mad it’s like, you best be ready for the ground to open up and you dive straight down into the depths of hell. Because after messing with me, that’s where you’re gonna be. My words cut deep and we will probably never be friends again after a fight. After a lengthy bitch fight behind the keyboard, my former best friend and I went our separate ways, now once I cut you out of my life I don’t look back with a second glance. Anyhow, I was about to walk up the steps at the change of class bell when I looked up to see the face of someone who seemed familiar, so I gave her a generous smile and kept walking. It wasn’t until later that day, when I was breaking down the events that happened throughout my day that I realised the girl I had smiled at earlier was my former best friend. My best friend who used to live at my house, my friend that I spent every school day with and every moment after school talking on the phone to, we’d dress alike, find similar guys to like etc. But here now, after an epic fight I’d simply forgotten who on earth she was and that is exactly what it is like once you get on my bad side. You may never be forgiven but you will certainly be forgotten.

Whether I am in love or surrounded by love, I need time to myself. This could mean I just need a break from my partner because too much time spent together does not give me time to breath on my own. And I will feel like I’m being smothered. If my family is around too much, it gets crazy and I need peace and quiet to survive. I will take off on a long walk, just to be by myself, just to stop the craziness, just to go back to hearing only the voices in my head (don’t worry I’m not crazy, the voice is just mine, organizing my thoughts).

The three most tumultuous relationships I’ve been in, have been with Aries, Leo and Sagittarius, all Fire signs. I don't know, I guess I like a challenge. My Leo partner, they were always in competition with everyone around them. I only want to be in competition with myself, work harder than I did yesterday, be stronger than I was a year ago, learn more than I knew 5 years ago, be more confident, be more independent.

I have never been dumped in my life but I have had to walk away from these toxic relationships because as I learned, these people were not good enough. They did not raise the bar, they did not bring anything to the table that could have offered me a better future. From now on if I’m looking for a partner I’m probably going to need to see their CV because that’s where the truth is at. That’s going to tell me where we’re really going in life. A weak man will mistake me for being cocky and proud. A strong man will honour me for being the confident black woman I am. I have worked too hard to become the woman I am today to take any rubbish from anyone not willing to step up to the standards needed to become a part of my life.

I saw in a movie a woman say ‘I am the man I want to marry!’ I could not agree with this more. It has nothing to do with a man on a personal level. It is just that I know who I am, where I want to be in life and how to get there. When I have a partner I become weak, just like the superheroes in Hancock. The more feelings I have the less of a superhero I become. I would rather be alone and have all the strength in the world I need to be the superwoman I am. I would rather fight every battle on my own and know the job is done and the people I love are safe.

If you take a look around my life there is chaos, I need some chaos in order to get my creative juices flowing. When there is a complete OCD organisation going on in my life, you know I’m at breaking point and something is wrong.

I am a textbook when it comes to the question of my zodiac sign. As a Capricorn I don’t think anyone understands our level of thinking. We don’t simply look at the picture and see it for what it is. For example; Let me take you through a simple thought in this Capricorn's head. This isn’t a day, not even an hour. This is just the constant traffic that is going on in my head at any moment of the day. It’s always busy.

* Researching online the market of the new business product I am creating.

* Looking over my daughters birthday party favours that arrived last month for her party which is two months away.

* Think about what to do for NAIDOC (National Aboriginal Islander Day of Celebration) week this year. Deciding whether I want to put on a fashion parade, a comedy night or dinner and show. Most probably will do all three because it will really run me off my feet, stress me out, send me broke and give me the satisfaction of doing something for other people and making them happy.

* Hmmm, I’d better get a start on Easter baskets for this year, maybe we could do an Easter Parade. Side note, my nan’s sewing group could help make Easter bonnets and baskets.

* Searching last minute recipe ideas on Pinterest, again for the party in 2 months time.

* Is my daughter's tablet fully charged or has it been sitting on the charge all day, turned off at the power point? Yes, it was off at the power point and is currently on 3%.

* Wanting to text people at 1am to ask when their birthday is in case they would like my help organising their party.

* Thinking if my new business will be enough to keep me busy and make me happy on a daily basis. Or should I venture into another stream as well just to have all my bases covered.

* Constantly writing notes and scenes for a script I started years ago and have never managed to finish.

* And oh my goodness I almost forgot about Christmas, here I was going to run out of time to prepare for that. What punch should I make this year and yes I really am sticking to one present per kid this year.

* I need to think of colours for party hats.

* Should we order Chrisco hampers online this year? Save us shopping during the Christmas rush. No. I love shopping. It is the only therapy that allows me to stay calm and in control while I quietly have road rage issues walking behind people who push their trolleys with no navigation skills and a complete disregard for other shoppers.

* Do I have enough rolls of tablecloth for the next party? There is no party coming up. I just want to shop.

* Did I put deodorant on this morning?

* Should I buy a new blanket? Speaking of, Winter is coming up in four months. I wonder if I should let my hair grow so my ears will be warm?

*Caster sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, milk, bi-carb soda, cocoa powder, self raising flour. I don’t know why but randomly whenever my brain finds a moment of silence it starts listing the ingredients of a cake.

So this is how I constantly think. There is always a traffic jam in my head. Always thinking about moving forward, always thinking about what needs improvement, what I can do next. So in general conversations with people I sometimes randomly ask “Hey, what are you thinking?” confusingly the reply is always “nothing”, ‘just watching a movie’, ‘thinking about you’ and I don’t understand how people don’t constantly have thoughts in their heads. While I’m sitting at the dinner table thoughts are constantly running through my mind. While I’m watching a movie, thoughts are passing by like a train. My thoughts are constantly on and I mean right up until the moment I fall asleep and not that pretend sleep you do with your eyes closed. Even then I have to have background noise which is usually ‘FRIENDS’. From there, I wake in the middle of the night to write down some more ideas or just am woken by my brain that does not want to turn off but continue overthinking.

It’s not always easy being a Capricorn because to the rest of the world it looks like we’ve got our shit together so others then think they can dump stuff on us to take care of for them. And it’s okay, because we will help them carry the burden. But sometimes I wonder, could they handle half of the pressure they put us under? I guess we’ll never know, because I could never become so relaxed to let that happen.