The Kindness of Others

I spent years being too afraid to ask for help. I would worry about the judgement, worry about people talking behind my backs and making up stories about me. I was afraid of being seen as a liar and so many other things. In the past, at my lowest of lows, I didn’t ask for the help I needed and just let myself suffer, even at the hands of people who helped me before.

When I was younger, I moved home from out of state and being in a toxic, abusive relationship. I had nothing. A former close friend promised me a place to stay and help getting in my feet. However within a week or so of staying with her, and handing over any penny I got to her, I started to realize that her kindness had strings attached. There were days I really struggled and lived off of sauce packets. She just laughed at my misery and made me feel like a burden. I was too afraid to be open with her about how much I was struggling, and just continued to be the butt of her jokes and the source of her torture. She took everything out in me and I didn’t stay for long. Since then, I’ve vowed to help when and if I can and if I can’t actually do anything, admit it. I understand sometimes we take in too much, but it doesn’t mean taking it out on other people either.

I’ve had many hills to climb since then, within my own body and battles surrounding and including me. It’s hard. It’s harder to ask for help. Last year, when our car broke down, I asked for some help amongst friends. A so called friend made a secret account to shame my wife and I, saying things like, if we could do to concerts why did we need money, or go to Disneyland or have any sort of social life. It wasn’t any of her business regardless, but some people seem to think that people with low incomes aren’t allowed to have anything at all. As if we’re not allowed to accept gifts of nice things. It was really hurtful to know someone in my inner circle felt that judging me was the best option. I ended the friendship once she exposed herself, and since then, the anonymous hate had dissapeared as well. Despite a force of negativity trying to tear through us, we pulled through and were able to get what we needed.

Recently, I went back and forth with myself about opening a fundraiser for myself. I thought about the former friends who beat me down verbally when I needed help and made me feel less than. I thought about the judgement, and all the conclusions people might try and jump to. It’s scary to admit you’re really struggling, and need help, but it’s even scarier to suffer and struggle alone. I use a wheelchair, cane and ankle braces for mobility aides and my wheelchair is worn out from adventuring. It’s causing more pain than helping. With my current income I could possibility get myself another basic chair but then I thought, perhaps I can call upon the kindness of others to help me get something better that will last longer and support me better. I fought with myself because it meant being vulnerable and putting myself out there for the judgement I was so afraid of. Instead, I was met with kind words and support. I was met with multiple kind souls ready to help in whatever ways they could, even if it just meant getting the word out.

No matter what you do, some one is going to judge you. Someone is going to make up their mind without knowing the full details. But for every judgemental person, there’s at least two ready to cheer you to the finish line.

If you’d like to help me get a new wheelchair that better suits my needs, you can check out the fundraiser here!