The Key To A Happy New Year

Do you have it? That thing some call the “it” factor? Apparently, I have the magical “it” factor. And I’m here to tell you that “it” is not limited to a select few. I get a lot of push back when I make this statement to everyone ranging from therapists to the spiritually aware.

Some people can just push past limits while others just can’t no matter how hard they try. Some people can dust themselves off while the same experience will send some into a tailspin of depression they never quite seem to get out of. I will be bold and just say it plainly. Sometimes it is plain laziness and complacency. That overarching idea that people are content (not happy and thriving) with the idea that it is better to stay where they are and with what they already know than to try something different. Or better yet, just blame someone or something else.

Have I led some privileged life that gives me a grandiose stance in my thinking? Absolutely not. I was molested as a child on more than one occasion and by both sexes; raped as an adult; passed over for promotions; denied employment and certifications because of my skin color, age, and sex; experienced a marriage that ended in divorce and not so glamourous post-divorce situations; denied housing; moved more times than I want to recount since my youth; wanted to end it all; losing money to the tune of thousands of dollars; and so much more. I think my crowning achievement was spending over three years sleeping in a closet to stack money for the downpayment of a house…I finally got the house for me and my children! In case you are interested, you can see bits of these experiences in some of my writings.

Whether it is success, happiness, contentment, or any other adjective, it all comes down to choice. I have literally watched someone take an action, make a choice, only to turn around and tell me: “It wasn’t my choice, Stephanie.” And these individuals are dead serious. I was there when it all happened. Heck, I even gave options during some of these instances. Yet, the person will still proclaim with vigor that it was not their choice

Change Your Values

I’m going straight to the top here. The fastest way to have a happy new year and a happy life is to change your values. If you’re one of those “keeping up with the Joneses” people, this might prove quite difficult for you. And even if you’re not particularly invested in being like the in-crowd, this still might be a challenge. Why? Because we make a lot of assumptions about our lives, ourselves, and others. Even if we are the catalyst for things not going the way we plan or thought, realistically most of us tend to find someone or something else to pass the blame to.

But here’s the rub: sometimes, when things are not going well, it’s not the world that’s the cause. The cause is instead that which is currently most valued, subjectively and personally. Why? Because the world is revealed, to an indeterminate degree, through the template of your values […] If the world you are seeing is not the world you want, therefore, it’s time to examine your values. […]. It’s time to let go. It might even be time to sacrifice what you love best, so that you can become who you might become, instead of staying who you are.” (p. 170).

In many ways, what seems simplest is often that hardest for people. Stoic philosophy can help us easily figure out how to change our values. In The Daily Stoic, the solution is simple: change what you want. Authors Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman expand on this by noting, “By changing how you think, you’ll manage to get it. […] Today, you could try to increase your wealth, or you could take a shortcut and just want less.” (p. 258).

If you find that at some point your new year or life is not going so great, perhaps you did not have a solid value leading your life. Often people have affirmations or resolutions that sound like captions to a vacation advertisement. These are not goals or values. They are diversions, immediate or fleeting pleasures, and wishful thoughts.

Change Your Mindset

Who doesn’t like comfort? This makes change a very scary thing for most people. Even when faced with the need for change in the direst situations, it often does not happen or only momentarily at best. The saying “grow where you are” can be confounding to those who have not figured out that they are the key. More specifically, their mindset is the key.

Most times people are just hunting around for people to make a quorum in support of their current thinking or situation. Malcolm Gladwell heavily references psychologist Tim Levine’s Truth-Default Theory in Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know. In sum, we tend to lean towards assuming the best about people. We don’t really want to believe that someone or something is that horrible. Some beginning trust is needed to make the world go round. This is why despite all the red flags, people continue failing relationships, working in toxic environments, and so on. And many people continue to do so until the amount of evidence is stacked so heavily against their best wishes that they have to cave.

Twice in the past week, I heard the same line of thinking. One person is an acquaintance and the other a family member. The first phrase I heard was, “I refuse to give up my anger.” The second phrase, “I’m sorry. I just can’t let this go. I’m still angry (30+ years later). It’s just not right.” Both individuals are making a clear choice: the choice to remain in the same mindset, no matter how damaging to their relationships or health.

According to Stoic philosophy, the only thing that is ever ours is our mind. Therefore, our mindset is literally everything. The same quotation above for changing one’s values applies to changing one’s mindset. But here’s some more detail. Self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination are crucial, according to Marcus Aurelius. There are three things you can do to change your mindset:

Change Your Habits

A common quote attributed to Hippocrates is, “Before you heal someone, ask him if he’s willing to give up the things that make him sick.” One reason I do not take on a lot of clients or customers wanting custom items is because most people do not really want to change. Do people want the look, the health, the change? Yes. But often, they just do not want it bad enough. This is a choice.

If you come to me with cancer (and this is essentially a real-life example), and my path for your healing is give up pork and dairy and focus on self-love, then you might assume the person would be elated. Nope! Instead, I get, “I love bacon. I can’t survive without dairy. And I already love myself.” If this sounds familiar, it should. Just look at the end of the quote from Jordan B. Peterson in “Change Your Values” above. Can you see how the client is expecting change while not making a change while hoping for a different outcome. Isn’t that what we call insanity?

Einstein is attributed as saying you cannot solve a problem on the same level on which it was created. Bingo. People say they want change. What most people are saying is I want to keep doing what I’m doing, so everything else needs to change or I will just keep going on until I find validation for what I want to think and believe.

In giving simple tasks to my clients and customers, it becomes easy to see why changing habits is so hard for some. My favorite exercise is tasking an individual with making one simple healthy change (I have a whole series on this). For some it is to drink a cup of fresh lemon water each day. For others it might be to take a short walk. The point? The only way to change is to take a real action. Not just think about it. Actually do it, something.

We are good at deceiving ourselves and others. Deliberate action shows an earnest choice for change, “By seeing each day and each situation as a kind of training exercise, the stakes suddenly become a lot lower” (The Daily Stoic, p. 128). This is not the old flawed axiom of “practice makes perfect.” Instead, the focus is on creating opportunities and learning from them in pursuit of personal growth

You Have The “It” Factor Too

None of us come out of this thing called life unscathed. In Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps The Score, he states, “After trauma the world is experienced with a different nervous system.” (p. 53). We all experience some form of trauma in our lives. It is up to us to take the responsibility for the healing or not afterwards. Those who get trapped in reliving that trauma seem to not have the “it” factor. Those who change their values, mindset, and habits are often seen as having the “it” factor.

If you want a gentler way to approach your new year or a new hour, day, week, or month, check out my article from last year.