The Four Ways You’re Faking It In Your Relationship

Faking and relationships are two concepts that don’t go hand in hand.

The moment someone says, “I think my partner is faking it,” we immediately assume in the bedroom. And with good right too.

We all know the scene from When Harry Met Sally. That’s the best fake orgasm sound I’ve ever heard.

Apart from that one time I had to listen to two of my friends get it on in the next room. I only found out both sides faked their experiences a week later.

They both gave an Oscar-worthy performance that night.

Unfortunately, faking it in the bedroom is the least of our concerns. And without even wondering about whether our partner is faking it, we need to worry if we’re the ones concealing our true selves.

Everyone fakes a little about themselves to other people.

The only person who truly knows us, inside out, is us. But there’s harmless self-preservation. And then there is acting like an entirely different person, all the time.

The correct term for this is kittenfishing. You aren’t pretending to be someone else, like a catfish, but you’re skating the line.

Most catfish know who they are and know why their actions are wrong. Or why other people would become upset if they found out the truth. The kittenfish are yet to understand their impact or even come to grips with their behaviour.

And I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you might be a little concerned you’re acting like a kittenfish.

Let’s find out, shall we?

1. You pretend something in your life is better than what it is

What kittenfishing is all about is faking the mundane in our life; we make everything about us sound better than what it is.

We often start doing this on a first date. We want to make ourselves sound interesting so we lie, exaggerate or pretend we enjoy something we hate. We don’t want to seem like we’re being negative whilst we’re trying to make a first impression.

Unfortunately, the first impression is the lasting one.

If you’re pretending your life is better than what it is, you tend to fake:

• How good your job is — Your job offers great pay and flexibility and has wonderful people to work with. In reality, your job is the worst and you only do it to pay the bills.
• How much you like your job — The job might be great but you hate it anyway. It’s not what you want to do for the rest of your life and you feel miserable every time you think about work, let alone have to go to your job.
• What you do for fun — You pretend you go out all the time, go to lots of parties and events. You say you have hobbies that you don’t or pursue interests that don’t exist.
• How many friends you have — You double the number of people you’re close to. Or you exaggerate how often you hang out with your friends.
• How much they travel or have travelled before — You make domestic travel sound like a world adventure.
• How many people you’ve dated — You might not lie about how many people you’ve dated or slept with, but you make a short-term relationship sound longer than it was, for example.
• How educated you are — You make your limited academic achievements sound better than what they are, or harder to achieve than it was.

By the way, this isn’t a contest. There isn’t anything wrong with not having hobbies or not having a university degree. This isn’t a judgement of what you should have done in your life.

Or anything like that.

2. You pretend to like things you hate

I’ve lied so many times about things I like on a first date, I’m ashamed to admit it.

It’s not that I wanted to lie or was trying to be deceptive. Far from it. But I was trying to seem easy breezy, and go with the flow.

Instead, I ended up lying. I ended up portraying a false sense of my interests.

The first date is a minefield for lying, especially. You can easily seem agreeable about things you hate, including:

• What food and drinks you like — Anything from specific ingredients to entire cuisines
• What music you like — From specific artists to genres of music
• What movies and television you like
• What sports you like, or whether you even like sport at all
• What books you read, or if you even read books
• What your deal breakers are — What qualities you like in an ideal relationship
• What you like in a perfect partner — What qualities you want in a person and how they treat you
• What annoys you about other people — Your general feelings for people, friends, family and interacting with others

Sometimes you try to act like you’re kinder than you are, or more understanding than you would normally be. It’s a polite thing to do, but it’s also deceptive.

You’re selling a version of yourself that isn’t accurate.

3. You present yourself in a way you don’t normally look

Who has party clothes in their wardrobe?

Almost everyone I know has clothing, jewellery, shoes and bags they keep for special occasions. Some people keep them for such extreme special occasions, they don’t even use them.

But when they do, when they dress up and transform themselves into their Sunday best, they look unrecognisable. This you could say is mild kittenfishing.

Everyone does it.

And everyone understands that on first dates, at special events, people don’t appear as they do all the time. Unless you wear a ball gown to the gym, that is.

We can take kittenfishing to the next level though. Some people fake it in ways that mean they don’t like anything like themselves. And how they present themselves day to day.

It involves:

• Dressing in a style that doesn’t represent your personality — You wear preppy clothing when you normally wear punk/rock fashion
• Borrowing someone else’s wardrobe — You dressed from your best friend’s closet which doesn’t represent your style or personality
• Wearing sports clothing when you have never played sport in your life — You pitch yourself as representing a value/interest that you don’t have

This is very misleading for the person you’re dating. What you wear is an expression of your personality and beliefs. Your style is intrinsically linked to who you are, even if you don’t see it that way.

4. You simplify other relationships

It sucks to say, but the reality of dating and making a connection with someone comes with bleak rules.

No one wants to hear all about your painful, hurtful past and present relationships on the first date. Or as you’re trying to get to know each other.

As a result, we tend to oversimplify:

• What these relationships mean to us
• How badly they affect our social behaviours
• How they have shaped our relationship values
• How painful they are to manage every day
• How impactful they are on basic, routine tasks
• How much they cause you pain, stress or anxiety

The relationships we are most likely to embellish about are:

• Relationships with specific family members — parents are particularly challenging to speak about
• Past romantic relationships — Divorces, ex-partners and fiances, people you share children with
• Ex relationships with friends that have turned sour or impact your social life
• Current relationships with friends and issues pending between you

Some people never end up correcting the underselling they did during the first stages of dating. I know some people who continue to simplify their life.

This is despite that the fact their partner knows how complicated the relationships are.

Can you keep up the white lies all your life?

Speaking of never correcting the impressions you gave, kittenfishers eventually get caught.

You can’t keep up the act forever, no matter your resolve to be someone you aren’t. As the relationship progresses, your partner will discover your unhappiness.

Or that your life isn’t what it seems.

They start living your life with you and they can tell what you said doesn’t align with what you do.

This behaviour isn’t something that builds strong, long-standing relationships with a partner. It’s a relationship built on lies.

If lies don’t bother you, fine. But when someone falls for you, they aren’t falling for you. They love a version of you that isn’t true. They don’t love you for you.

And that’s pretty tragic

If you can live with the lies, go for it. But at the end of the day, the only person who suffers is you.

Don’t suffer. Life is too short.