The Fear of Love

I will never tell him this, but I’m scared. Scared that one day he will change his mind. Scared that one day I won’t be enough. Scared that one day he will raise his hand to me and it won’t be for a hive five or a hug. It is not because he scares me. Just because I’ve grown used to being the issue, to have to be taught a lesson or put in my place. I was told that no matter what I would always be the problem.

I’m scared that one day he will see past the smile on my face and see the tears I'm truly shedding, and I won’t be able to tell him why. I will just look down and cry harder. I’m scared that when he puts his arms around me I will flinch, and he will think it’s him when really it is me. I’m scared that my past is too much for him, so I don’t tell him about it in hopes that it never comes up. I’m scared that when it does come up he won’t understand. That he will think I’m irrational or “just being dramatic”.

I’m scared that one day I will be too much for him and he’ll walk away as everyone else has. In my heart, I know he won’t because he’s said it, but hell don’t they all say that.

I tell myself he’s different; because he is. In my head, I think about how everyone in my life has been different, but the heartbreak I’m left to deal with in the end is always the same. It always makes my heart ache in new places every time. I’m always left crying in a corner trying to piece myself back together, trying to tell myself that I’m okay. I’m not okay, and I have never been. I am broken. I have been broken for longer than I can remember, but when I found him, I picked up the broken pieces and brought them with me hoping that he would accept me and all of my baggage.

I’m scared that one day he will decide to stop accepting my baggage. I’m scared that one day my love and affection won’t be enough for him. I am scared that he will realize who I am and that I am not worth his time and he will walk away and never look back. But I’m also scared that if he does look back it will be in regret. He will regret the wasted time or remember fights that only happened because I was scared or insecure. I am secure in our relationship, but that in itself scares me because in my experience relationships don’t last when words go unspoken but I don’t know how to speak sometimes because of my fears.

I’m scared that one day I will say the wrong thing to him, and he will snap. I know he won’t hurt me, but my fear says otherwise. I am scared that one day I will love him so much that it becomes too much to bear. I’m scared that I will love him after he leaves, and I won’t be a thought in his mind.

I am scared of the man I love not because of him but because of me, and he will never know. He will never know because I love him too much to tell him that one day he will break my heart, and that day I will accept it. After all, it was always him and I, but some how I managed to push the best thing that ever happened to me away. I am scared of heartbreak, but we are all scared of an ending no matter what it is.