The Unprotected

The people who were supposed to protect me in life were the ones I feared the most. So when I say I need some time to trust, know that it’s not you, it’s me. I've been let down more times than I can count by the people who “love” me. I’ve been told to smile in public but behind closed doors, I sobbed. I was number one in their hearts, at least to the family but public enemy number one once I got home.

See, what I was taught about love and family showed me I was better off alone. I mean how can you love me in public and hate me at home. It’s enough that I get it at school cause I’m used to that but I get off the bus and wish I could go back. You say you're sorry I’m hurt but what hurts it that weren’t sorry till the deed was done and you saw that I was broken. There was no regret in your tears. All I ever felt around you was fear, but you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know that I used to sit in my room and pray that I had never been born or wish upon a star that someone had made a mistake when they gave me this life. That can’t be right. I tried to convince myself that I was loved because you gave me hugs and occasional affection. You had to love me because you kept me. Right? But then I realized that the first chance you got to replace my love with a man's. You risked my life for a couple of nights with people who never treated her right. Am I right?

See you love me now cause grown and proud but my cries were loud while I was on the ground. When I got the chance I chose me and said I'm finally free, but deep within me, I was torn because who was I without you, and who were you without me to pick up the pieces when he was finished. But still, I chose me because you chose him and now there is no we. At night I toss and turn hoping I had made the right choice praying you were safe, but then I’d close my eyes and think you would never think the same for me. Tears would fall and soak my pillow as I fell asleep in a puddle of my guilt, but what’s new about that?

Years go by and I’m happy now because I am loved and allowed to just be me. Though the guilt never left my mind, the hurt I felt told me I had to take care of myself. You love me now that I am not in reach, but for me, it’s just not that deep. You see when I loved you it wasn’t enough and I’ve grown to live without your love because it hurts to love you. It hurts me to say “ I love you” when I hang up the phone because at this point I don’t know if I do. I mean I do but I don’t know how to tell you. Cause my love runs deep but stops short because when I think of my love for you, I feel more pain than joy. You are all I have left, but I can’t help but wonder if I lost the need for you when you left me because of him. I’m supposed to be grateful that I’m here and I’m loved, actually loved, but instead, I’m mad. I’m mad because you didn’t love me when I loved you. Matter of fact you never truly loved me till I left you. Now you miss me and wish you could help when I say I’m struggling. You don’t know that I struggle because of you. Because I love you, but I question it.

At one point in life, you were my best friend, but now I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m loved. I don’t know if I have that kind of forgiveness in my heart. I don’t know if your love is worth the pain because I’m hurting too. I don’t know if I was ever really protected but I know that I’m doing better loving you from a distance rather than in my face with hugs and kisses. I love you but I hate what you’ve done to me. The people say I’m strong cause I’ve lived a life they could never imagine, but they don’t know that there were times that I didn’t want it. I am strong because the people who let me down made me that way, but I am living because I chose not to stay. I am protected now with a lock and a key because I learned that all I have is me, so I hope you are happy.