The diet culture trap

Over the years, I have gained a few kilograms. From medication fails to be locked inside, due to Covid-19. Sometimes, my teenage self creeps into my head, because back then, I was too young to understand the societal pressures of being thin. It was thin, or nothing. Big was not beautiful. So, I lost a heap of weight, and not in the healthiest way either. I am now twenty-six years old. I am big again, and I am trying to believe I am beautiful. I changed my perspective and started to follow plus-size accounts on Instagram. It was a nice change to see a bunch of humans from around the world embracing the idea that all bodies are beautiful.

I found it hard to navigate high-school as a fat girl. There were countless times that I was bullied because of my weight. Nobody wanted to be friends with me, or date me. Beauty standards were put in a tiny box by society, and I was too large to fit. No matter how many times I tried to make myself smaller, or hide my body with a pillow, while I sat down, it didn't change the fact that I was a fat girl living in a skinny world. It is no surprise, that at the age of seventeen, I developed an eating disorder. My life consisted of exercise and starving myself, to the point that I managed to make myself small enough to fit into the box.

As an adult, I have learned that all bodies fluctuate. So, for the past few years, I have been living in my fat body again. It hasn't been easy. There have been times where I have tried on all my clothes and nothing looks good. Crying naked in front of the mirror, and pointing out every single flaw on my body. Remembering how difficult it was to be a bigger girl in high school, and people still treat plus-size bodies as unusual or gross. The idea that women must be petite is always in the back of my mind, a tiny whisper that keeps on knocking me down.

I haven't starved myself in a long time, or exercised so hard, that I fainted. My head hasn't been poisoned by the toxic nature of diet culture, until now. I am scrolling through Instagram. Not really paying much attention, but I know it is filled with plus-size bodies, modeling their favorite outfits because that is how I tailored it. An ad pops up, it's for replacement meal shakes. I make the mistake of clicking onto it. They are having a sale. $149 for three packs and you get the fourth free. What a good deal, I say to myself. A few seconds later, without time to think, it is in my cart. I press checkout. I can't afford this, but they do Afterpay, I am sold. The email confirmation pops up on my screen. Did I fall for the diet culture trap, or is this healthy?

I don't know the answer. But I am feeling good about my purchase, with no regrets. I feel as though I am in a much better place. Yes, I want to lose weight, but this time it's for me, to be a healthier version of myself. If I am still fat at the end of the day, at least I know that I will be healthy and happy.

I feel as though having a replacement meal is a better alternative than starving myself. The instructions say that per day, you should have two replacement meals, a few snacks, and one proper meal. Some of my friends say that it has worked for them, they feel much better. In a few days, when the shakes arrive, I guess that I will find out whether the purchase was splurge worthy, or a flop.