The Demon - My first love

Warning: This might have content that may offend some readers. Discretion advised.

We have all been abused at some point of our lives and it can be really sad if you don't know different types of or only one type of abuse. I will tell you what it means to go through it. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and it had lead me into some kind of psychosis.

Here's my story.

When I was 22 I was living with my father. We were going through a tough time because he wanted me to try and move out and make my own way. But it was hard because of my money situation. It was bad enough that I use my friends as a escape goat to stay away from my father. But out of it all my dad was a good father.

Picture: Tom's Hardware. https://www.tomshardware.com/best-picks/best-webcams

During this time I was on a dating website and used to hang out on their chatroom. I was feeling a bit lonely and usually would just spend a fair bit of time on my computer talking to people and web-searching thing I was interested in after I'd do my Job-search. I then met this guy who went by the nickname "Demon" and started a cam chat.

Picture: Australian Red Cross. World Re-Start a Heart Day https://www.redcross.org.au/news-and-media/news/restart-a-heart-day-1

We hit it off really well. I found out he was in a metal band and was a graphic designer. He found out I sing. We had a lot in common. Our cam chats turned into really long phone calls and I started to really like him. We eventually met and went out to dinner.

The relationship got really serious really quickly when my relationship with my father at the time got worse. I had a death in the family with the passing of my cat (Don't laugh!) and my mother couldn't believe the things that my father was saying to me. "Demon" was also temporarily living with his mum until he found a stable home himself.

About 3-4 months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so overly happy! I felt liberated and free. I started applying for even more jobs and attending more job interviews. I didn't stuff around. I was quite independent and not worried about anything. I felt positive and the momentum just kept going.

We then moved into a bigger place. a wonderful two story townhouse. It was better than our upstairs apartment. We were really happy and were able to to be fully settled within a few days.

Picture: https://www.e-ostadelahi.com/eoe-en/is-life-as-a-couple-a-%E2%80%9Claboratory%E2%80%9D-for-the-practice-of-ethics/

But here was the reality

We used to fight a fair bit, which was really hard. He seemed quite set in his ways about everything even everything in our relationship. He'd get angry at me when I wasn't proactive or doing something wrong, complaining that the house was a mess and say really absurd things about me not "listening taking action and obeying", which were his exact words. Every time we had a fight he'd emotionally hold me down and give me a 5 hour lecture about how much I am in the wrong. these lectures would happen early at night til really early in the morning, when we are supposed to work the next day. I never ever got a say in any of our arguments and no matter what a said all he could ever say is "Are you finished yet". I would always feel like I am on trial for murder or something like that.

When we would have sex we would be halfway through and sometimes when I am halfway through I loose my libido so I would just say no. But Demon would just keep going and say "hold on I'm nearly finished"

In the car he was a very angry person, he would growl and cuss at the driver in front of him to get them to move. He would make racist remarks about Asians and how rude they are.

There was also a time when he called me into his study so we could talk. He mentioned about the possibility of me getting breast implants. But he made the condition that if we ever broke up I would have to find a way to pay for them. I couldn't believe that he was mentioning it in the first place seeing as I have enough body insecurities already. But I went along with it and looked at possible surgeries with him anyway.

But I thought that this was somewhat normal and just carried on feeling guilty.

Picture: Co-Operative Therapy. https://cooperativetherapy.com/fighting-couples-what-starts-the-fights/

The End of the relationship

So I'd be about to get into my hobbies again seeing as Demon was busy doing things on his computer. He walks up the stairs to the bedroom and says "I don't think we are going very well" .

He had so many excuses like I had four jobs since being with him, that I became his dependent. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could do was turn to my mother, who knew everything that was going on.

Three days after staying with her and the days after my Birthday I decide to come back to talk to Demon to decide what I want to do. But as soon as he got home he was talking to another woman on the phone. I was even more upset. Just when he makes a new wound he makes another new wound. double whammy. we had another fight. Before I realize it I came back to get my stuff, have it put in storage.

The big aftermath

This was when I was struggling emotionally. I had no one else but my family to turn to and lost all my coping skills. I went from being like a controlled housewife to being back in limbo. This was when I tried to kill myself.

But my life wasn't over yet. I knew in that moment that I needed help. Alot of help. I was in the psychiatric unit the next day and unable to even get out of bed. They medicated me until they found a caseworker for me. During that time I was missing Demon terribly. It seemed he was doing better than me. Three weeks later I got out and stayed at mum's longer. I started to get help.

During the time I was recovering I had found my own place, started studying again, started learning to drive and going out to the pub to help with my social life.

Since then the Demon had tried to get in touch with me three times and every single time I had stuck up for myself. I have learnt so much about this and about myself since then and now lead a very normal and independent lifestyle. I don't let anyone push me around.