The Day My Heart Melted

What is love?

In my younger years I felt that the meaning of love was easy to define. In my arrogance and my naivety, I believed I had all the answers. Oh, how I had it wrong for so long!

All I knew about love was from my personal experiences and my heart soon learnt that love held very little joy; in fact I learnt that love was toxic, unauthentic, conditional and torturous in its many forms.

My first experience was parental love — mostly in the guise of abandonment and child abuse. As the years passed the world showed me this kind of love was the norm. I came to know that love wasn’t made of fairytales, in fact it was the stuff of nightmares, if the truth be told.

My heart found the agony of love to be unbearable. The loss, the pain drilled into my wisdom showing me the insecurity, the fact that nothing lasts forever, the wisdom to never fully trust or believe and the powerful knowledge that hearts are fickle, when it comes to this thing we call love.

The shock of finding that overnight love dies for no explainable reason, carries unfathomable pain and destruction is a common theme in such relationships.

Ultimately I learnt that not only was I unlovable, but those who did profess to love me showed me, in no uncertain terms, that love is undeniably cruel.

Until the day I learnt that real love does truly exist — that perfect raw emotion; that pure authentic love; that sacrificial, generous and beautiful unconditional love — when your heart overflows, feels like it’s about to burst and your chest struggles to contain the swelling of this now enlarged organ.

That day I discovered love truly does exist in rare and special circumstances and I discovered this the day my boys were born.

I can still remember the day I first met each of my precious babies.

That was the day I truly understood the meaning of love for the very first time.

The day I held my baby in my arms, my first introduction, was the day my heart almost exploded with the rare purity of unconditional love, that I forever hold for each child.

That day I learnt what true love really meant and I learnt the real meaning of holding one so precious inside my heart, that I truly had something that would destroy me to ever lose.

That day I cried tears of pure joy. I felt the awe of fully opening my heart to one so precious. I learnt the meaning of real terror when I realised my greatest fear was wrapped up in the possibility of losing someone so dear to my once closed off heart.

It was the day my utmost dreams bore fruition and it was also the day my scariest nightmare became a crushing reality of possibility.

Until that day, I’d only ever known loss and heartache.

And then I was gifted with the greatest love of all. I felt that my entire life’s purpose came true the day I met my boys, but I also realised that day, that I now truly held in my heart the only preciousness that I could never bear to lose.

It was the day I faced my vulnerability, the day I found the courage to live with love.

This was the day that miracles happened and my two boys have held my heart in the palm of their hands from that day forth.

I finally learnt what it was to form a family of pure love!

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