The Concept of Loving Him

How do I tell a well-structured story when life is nothing but chaos? My life has been in shambles for years, so tell me, how am I supposed to tell you just how ugly and beautiful life has been? Do I start with those lovely Saturday mornings when I wake up with his arms around me? Or should I start with those nights when I decide drink over love?

I’ve decided I’ll start with the concept of love because love, in itself is lovely and sometimes life is too.

When we went on our first date, I didn’t know it was a date. To my knowledge I was meeting up with an old friend from high school. But when we decided to go to the movies after coffee, I decided I could let it be one.

We paid little attention to the movie, instead throwing bits of popcorn at each other. And when he drove me home that night, I was only a little upset that he didn’t kiss me. But I was delighted two nights later, when he did.

My life with him in it has been wonderful. He’s been the highlight of my year. A warm summer yellow to soothe this aching winter blue.

But for him, I might just be the flavor of the season. Someone to keep him company until he finds someone sweeter.

Even with this knowledge, I still spend my days with him. Falling asleep on the phone with him, watching movies with him, even playing video games that both he and I know I’m not any good at. But I value every moment I get with him. And he values my time too, just in a different way.

I’ve decided, even with his declaration of uncertainty, I could let myself feel things for him. Even if it ends up hurting me. I could like him, I could want him, maybe I could even need him. No, love is not yet on the table, but maybe I could open myself up to the idea of loving him. Maybe I could let myself think about what it would feel like to love him.

I could imagine it feeling like the first warm day of Spring. When you can take off your coat for the first time in months. Maybe I could be like the daffodils, opening up to the world, ready to receive this grace. Ready to receive his love.

Then, there are the nights when I’m alone in my bed, and all I can think about is how my world is suffocating me. With all the stress of the things that I can’t control filling my lungs, I can’t find a place for air to go. So maybe I won’t let it in. Maybe I will have let go of my last breath, and maybe that would be okay.

But then he calls me, telling me to play video games with him. So I turn on my computer, and make room for a little air. Just enough to get me to the next night.

I don’t know if there’s room in my head for a feeling like love. I’d have to let go of some pretty big things to make room, because when I think about loving him, it takes up so much space. So maybe, one day, I’ll clear out a space just for the idea of it. And maybe, that will be a good enough starting place.