The Break Up

I have always hated playing pretend as a child and as an adult I despised the idea even more. So why am I sitting here trying to pretend like my world is not crashing down right before my eyes. "Sandra," he pleaded leaving a stench of desperation in the air. My heart beg my mind to explain why it's not responding to his despair. "Sandra, you have nothing to say?" Terrance kneel down on his knees in front of me sitting on this sofa that feels like I am being swallowed up by quick sand. How quickly our colorful heated argument ends in a dark and lonely place we both dread to face. The cold dark empty feeling is only intensified by the silence felt in the room which magnify the reality that this could be the of the end of us. Confused, I then found myself with an internal battle between my heart and mind. My mind wants to pretend that in this very moment my world is not falling apart. My heart hit me with a brick to the head, bringing me back to reality as the foundation we built dismantle brick by brick. My mind reason that if I look long and hard for the light in this dark and hollow place we have manage to find ourselves in, I am destined to find a speck of light. My heart gently pull me back reminding me that time was not the enemy here. I found some humor in that it wasn't long ago that my heart was fighting for us. Oh, how the roles has reversed.

As our eyes met, I see the desolated ruins of a place that was once vividly vibrant with passion and love. He looked away, unsure why, in confusion, disappointment or maybe in fear of the inevitable. He started nervously pacing back and forth in my small apartment which somehow made me feel like the walls are closing in. He didn't need to tell me he was hurting. "How dare he?" I reasoned. My heart refused to allow any room for sympathy. It would make perfect sense for me to be the one caught off guard by this. I almost mustered up the strength to say, "so what do you want me to say?" However, I felt defended, bruised and tired of fighting for a relationship that my heart no longer desired. Never the less, it's still the worse heartache I have ever felt. All my fearful theories of love flood my mind all at ones and in an attempt not to break down I found myself standing up and reaching out to him. He felt heavy at first then as each second past, he felt lighter and for some reason I held him closer and tighter. I softly whispered, "I understand." OMG!!! What? wait a minute, I don't know why I said that. I surely did not and could not mean that I understood, I reasoned. For in reality, I don't even know how to make sense of this. Not at all surprised that all I had to say was, " I understand." He embraced me tighter, put his lips to my ears, with the warmness of his skin against my cheek, he whispered the three words that was bound to finish me, "I love you." Each word was a sword to the heart, and with those words he nailed my coffin. Wait! Stop, stop it. You ever wish your life was a movie? If my life was a movie, that there would be "THE END!" This would be the moment, I find something else more pleasant to watch like a blissful romantic comedy not at all based on any real human experience. I don't even want to know what happens next, and I don't care. Leave it to audience stipulation but time continues to tick forward whether you've rehearse my lines or not, for after all, my life is not a movie.

This took place three hours ago, here I am in complete darkness, heart broken, lost and confused. This feeling made me wonder if everyone experience with heart break is the same. At this very moment, my heart is feeling a variation of indescribable painful sensation all at once. Shit, it hurts. It's the aching sensation of a blockage of blood flow to a limb along with being consumed by the burning flames of fire, and mixture of this overwhelming heaviness and pressure of a thousand elephants on your chest. I've heard people talk of heartache, I assumed it was a figure of speak, no wonder human history has written numerous song, stories and book on heartache and love. So this is what they were talking about, this shit hurts. As I played the event in my head over and over again, the more I want to pretend it didn't happen.

Terrance is simply a goofy playful man child his mom would argue but to me, he was my everything. Now, I can never be described as a hopeless romantic but I converted to a true believer of love faster than a dying sinner professing his love and admiration for Christ to save his soul. I love me some Terrence and I probably always will.

We first met at my cousin Elaine wedding. I was happily single, not interested, not looking, not seeking anything or anyone for that matter. Then here come Terrance, literally out of the thin air because till this day I have no idea who invited him to the wedding and how he ended up with my cousin's wedding ring. I reluctantly conceded that my heart did skip a few beats as my eyes settled on this perfect blend of caramel and chocolate, 6'2 slender built man. He came over feeling all sure of himself and said the most ridiculous silly pick up line, "I got the ring, all I need is a yes." To make it more gut churning he had a weird smile on his face like he just said something clever. How could someone so hot come off so awkward? I've always had a thing for awkward hot guys, so naturally I was amused. Looking at Terrance holding the wedding ring that would eventually find its home in the comfort of my cousin's finger, I jokingly replied, "aren't you missing a few steps?" He immediately got down on one knee, look up at me as if he has been loving me for all 28 years of his life and said, "will you marry me." I laughed and kindly lift him of the floor along with his pride and manhood. I might as well have said yes because from that day forward he had my heart and everything else. Whether he was playing or pretending that day, my heart knew no difference.

We did all the crazy things that young lovers do. The nights never seem so short, we had our own rhythm, our bodies coordinate together to create masterpieces comprised of slow and rapid beating of flesh, hearts beating like drums, soft moaning of ecstasy and deep outcry of pleasure. Like a true believer, I kneel down every night and perform acts of worship to my king. As a true king, he has dedicated his life in service to me and is ready and willing to sacrifice his life in searching and exploring all of my treasures. I want for no other but him. He had a way of making me feel comfortable enough to be that woman... you know that sexy, confident, and seductive goddess that could crucified a man soul with just one look or gesture.

We said all the crazy things that young lovers say and made promises that would defied the law of nature. Shit like, "I can't live without you," "I love you from the moon and back." All lies... what does that even mean? Our hearts held on to these lies because it painted a picture of an eternal and invincible love. Funny enough in the moment we manage to deceive our own hearts into believing in these delusional lies. The first year was blissful. On our first year anniversary of dating he got down on one knee bringing back memories of the day we met and promise that my love for him will forever be the nutrients that his body need to live and without this constant supply of my love he will simply perish. Naturally, his words fueled my love and devotion to him. I was walking to a new beat and his words put me in a new refreshing spirit. I was loving this and for awhile got used to it, did everything to maintain, protect and service this man.

As my mom bitterly reminded me when my father left her, "nothing last forever." Those words haunted every relationship I have ever had and I was determined that this relationship would be different. A few months before our second anniversary things changed, he started acting up. Suddenly he had no time to do anything. No time to text or call me during the day. It then felt like I needed security clearance to use his phone. Lack of time, turned into lack of interest. Short nights turned into painfully long passionless nights. We fought and argued more than we both had the energy to fight for an already dying relationship.

To my surprise on our second year anniversary, he got down on one knee and promise to be a better man. This was the light at the end of the tunnel I so desperately was waiting for, so I thought. Between excessive overtime, new female coworkers/acquaintances and fluctuating mood or personality traits, he resembles a stranger to me with each passing day. An overwhelming pain came over me as I realized that Terrence might not be the same man I fell in love with two years ago.

I sat in that quick sand of a sofa in the darkness of night. The television glared in my eyes as I tried to find a comfortable place to lay my head on the sofa. A sudden gush of sadness took hold of me and for the first time tonight my heart gave me permission to cry. Tears poured out like a torrential storm. It came in waves, as I reminisce of all the promises, it died down with memories of love only to be violently flush down by the anger and anguish felt by end.

I cried out for help, I pleaded and negotiated with God then found shelter in the fridge but soon lost interest contemplating on the extra calories. The night was too long and it seemed to extend and expound on every period of the relationship.

At some point I cried out, "I can't survive." Like every good storm, after it has washed away everything and only fragments of life exist, there is a sudden calmness, and with that calmness I found myself in a peaceful rest.

The heat of day beam on my skin, as the heat warms my body, I am forced to open my eyes. I woke up feeling like I have been washed ashore. Frail and weak from the heavy drought of tears. My eyes at first felt annoyed by the light, as I forced them to open I am greeted by the bright sunlight beaming fearlessly through the window.

My mouth turned on me and started to form into something that resembles a smile. Realizing how weird and foreign that felt I walked over to the window and smile as bright as the sun as if I somehow was competing for joy. The though made me chuckle which turned into laughter.

As I stood in the brightness of day, grin from cheek to cheek, teeth fully exposed, smile bright as the sun, wearing the crown of joy after overcoming such a disastrous ordeal. My feet gave way to some weird type of movement that made me laugh louder. I laughed and danced to the sound of my own laughter.