The Borderline Demon

All relationships can be tricky at times; adapting to the needs of two separate people, but try a relationship with three, which can make things crowded at times! What doesn't help is that the third person is unpredictable, hyper-sensitive, noisy, demanding, turbulent, dramatic, chaotic, destructive, and almost always impossible to please.

S/he can also be violent, abusive, distrusting, terrified, and absolutely determined that they are going to be abandoned.

They are also completely subconscious, a demon in possession of your loved one's body and mind, the second that insecurity kicks in.

It is a shame, because the relationship would certainly be a lot more harmonious without that third wheel who is not always welcome, but an integral part of your union. Without warning, the demon will kick off, and there will be a World War taking place, terrifying and confusing in its suddenness. Screaming, accusations, going in emotional circles - it all seems crazy to the point of insanity. To the point of: "Would this person be better off in psychiatric care? Am I qualified for this?"

After all, nothing you say will really seem to help; in fact, it will likely be taken the wrong way or turned upside-down and thrown back at you with a vicious power. Are you equipped to defend yourself against a force that is as powerful as a battering ram, as rageful as a harpy capable of murder?

You will find that your head is in your hands very quickly, and often you will have trouble catching your breath, wondering how on earth things could be so peaceful one minute, and teetering on a precipice of chaos the next.

You will try to reason, to be logical, to have a calm discussion, only to find the more you try to be logical, the more enraged the demon becomes. S/he acts as if you are taunting them, as if you don't understand and are making fun of them. S/he seems to despise your logic... it's as if what they need is something that's impossible to identify, let alone provide... something that is outside the realms of reality.

Everything positive will be twisted and disbelieved, made into a destructive rope with which s/he is bound up in.

When things do calm down, when a few minutes or hours or days have passed by, the demon vacates your home, and you are yet again left with the woman/man you fell in love with. Their remorse and empathy are genuine, their mood now calm. They cannot understand, and neither can you. They are once again kind and intelligent, articulate and loving. They love you so very much. They hate the demon with a vengeance, wishing from the bottom of their heart that it would just go away and leave you both to be happy.

Unfortunately, this entity is always there, lurking around the corner of your relationship, waiting to pounce, to hurt, to destroy. To turn things upside-down at a moment's notice.

You try to be understanding, to be there through the storms; it can be very hard and tiring for you. Thankfully, you are strong, and resilient, and refuse to walk away. You know that what your loved one needs more than anything is consistent love, to enable them to heal over time. To be able to build trust. To know that even when they are in distress and showing their 'ugly' side, you will love them no matter what.

You understand that other people put the demon there inside the person you love. People who should have known better. People who abused, mistreated, didn't know how to love. Your loved one was taught to accept it; they were too young to understand or change it. They were conditioned to believe that they were never worthy of anything more than being treated with contempt or cruelty. That their feelings were nothing worth listening to; and so they buried them and learnt to pretend, to please others, to feel invisible.

To your loved one, unconditional love doesn't exist and therefore cannot really be believed in or trusted, and the demon whispers in her ear and assures her that she is not worth love, and will be lied to and rejected by everyone eventually. The demon possesses them and inhabits their every thought and feeling. S/he is powerless to stop it, as rage and fear seep out of every pore. All s/he can do is wait for it to pass, to tearfully and recover and try to fix the wreckage of the damage that has been caused to both of you. To your relationship. As I'm sure it affects your trust and feelings, as well as his/hers.

It is a strange thing once it passes; s/he will feel weepy, frustrated, ashamed, that it has happened again. It is strange because it is like a season; when it is hot, we cannot recall the cold, and when we are freezing, we cannot call to mind the warmer weather to come.

How glad s/he is that you TRY and understand. That you stay, and don't leave. That you listen even when you can't fully comprehend it all. That you love him/her through it all. The demon is not actually malevolent, though it often appears to be. It is just a lost, inner child, stuck in pain and coming out to 'play' when activated. It is the child who for so many years was 'locked in,' unable to feel properly or express what was happening inside and how it was making them feel. This child is confused, angry, needing love. Anger is, after all, the most childlike emotion. Toddlers experience tantrums when they cannot get their own way; it is a necessary stage of development, of learning boundaries, what they can and can't do. The people setting the boundaries are supposed to be caring, and trustworthy. But what if they aren't?

All you can do is put your arms around them, and if you can hold them tightly enough they will crumple, and give in to the love, though they will struggle at first as it is not easy to be vulnerable, and they will cry and cry until the tears are gone and they are tired. The demon has been vanquished once more.

The Borderline Demon has turned into a tired child, who smiles sadly at you both before walking away, back to their bedroom with their blankets and their cuddly toys. You have loved the child, and now it is gone.

All relationships are tricky; this one is EXTRAORDINARY.

Dedicated to Adam, who helps me vanquish my demons.

Also dedicated to all warriors who have survived trauma.

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