The Best Relationship Advice You Can Give Is Not A Popular One

What do you do to regularly maintain your relationship? You see your gynecologist for your yearly checkup, eat well to ward off illness, and work out to keep your body strong. Just a wild guess: not much. That's a pity since effective relationship counsel, especially from experts with training in the psychology profession, can elevate even the strongest of relationships to diamond-level levels.

According to clinical psychologist Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, who practices close to Philadelphia, "the majority of us function in crisis mode for our relationship, only paying it real attention when there is an issue that needs repairing." But even when a relationship is flourishing, weeds may still grow and take over.

A relationship may get overtaken by weeds even while it's flourishing, just as a garden might.

Therefore, it is commendable that more people are seeking out "happy couples counseling"—seeing a counselor before Splitsville is even a thought—in recent years. The proactive attitude, which, by the way, is a requirement for marriage within the Catholic religion, can help you resolve even the biggest (or smallest) of problems and merely increase the love you already feel for one another on a daily basis.

Here are the top 10 relationship tips, presented to you by the wisest, most sincere relationship therapists out there, without further ado.

1. Be optimistic at all times.

If your significant other disappoints you, chances are, whether you're an optimist or not, you discover something personal in their behavior. Because relationships are personal, it makes sense. However, your individual doesn't mean to offend you 9 out of 10 times (if not 10 times out of 10).

We have a hair trigger for misinterpreting situations and supposing the worst, says Gillihan, particularly when we're already agitated. (However, when our spouse takes whatever you do personally or feels assaulted by it, you're definitely irritated that they don't simply let you off the hook.)

But bear in mind that, in contrast to how other people feel about us, "so many of our emotions are predicated on how we feel about ourselves," as Gillihan puts it. Consequently, give the following a try: Whenever anything unexpected comes your way today, remind yourself in the morning, "Today, I'm going to adopt the most benign interpretation."

"This approach offers you the ability to get over yourself," he adds, adding that it may also inspire your partner to follow suit. As a result? The positive will be your main emphasis, and you both will be able to quickly recover from any unintentional "poor" moments.

2. Take note of forecasts

Speaking of interpretations, the psychological concept of projection is one thing that might skew them.

Simply said, projection is when you project your own thoughts and emotions about yourself or a circumstance onto someone else. Even though it's usually a subconscious tendency, projecting causes you to believe that your spouse feels a particular way when they really don't.

For instance, you may take your partner's statement that "You're behaving odd" as an allegation that you're being unfaithful if you've been betrayed in the past and have trust difficulties as a result (I mean, fair). They're really simply curious as to why you've been quiet for the previous two days.

As much as you can, Gillihan advises taking a moment to step back and see a conversation or situation for what it is, observing your own insecurities and presumptions (ask yourself: Do I know X to be true? ), and trying your best to let go of the notion that you understand how your significant other is feeling. Without asking them, you'll never fully know.

3. Quit judging one another harshly.

Should could be the worst word in the English language, at least in terms of relationships. The idea that something ought to be different from how it is and isn't, according to Gillihan, "creates a feeling of unfairness." But what follows the verb is often a desire or want rather than a fact.

If you have any faith in destiny, it might be helpful to accept that whatever your spouse did or did not do occurred because the cosmos was in perfect alignment (for some reason that no one can explain). If you choose not to, that is completely OK; but, changing your perspective might help you let go of any resentment or anger. Therefore, state your desire for what you want, such as "I wish you could come home earlier so we could spend more time together" or "I'd love it if you helped more with the dog."

Gillihan observes that although everyone may dispute a "should," "who can argue with a wish?" They won't immediately feel as if they are doing it incorrectly, even if they are unable to make it happen.

4. Be quiet and pay attention.

You supposedly pay attention to your partner, but are you sure?

Listening is a verb, not merely a passive activity in which "you're talking and I'm not." It takes you to turn off your own thoughts and emotions in order to properly listen to someone else's.

Everyone wants to be heard, but as time goes on, many couples don't feel heard, which leads to a lot of issues, according to Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a relationship psychotherapist in New York City. It's necessary to express yourself, of course, but you must take a step back and listen first.

Sussman's recommendation? After your spouse expresses their feelings to you, repeat back to them what you hear them saying. then say, "Do you think I've understood you now? Sense you being understood?" Ask them to kindly assist you understand what they're saying if they say no.

And keep in mind that even if you disagree with your spouse, you should respect their sentiments. If you want your relationship to develop, you should always, always let them know that they aren't wrong for feeling the way they do. You are a completely different person with different experiences and perspectives, so you won't always agree.

5. Keep an eye out for chances to express honest gratitude.

According to research, being appreciation is the key to a happy life and a happy ship as well.

Consider this: Maintaining relationships is work, and just like at job, not being recognized for your dedication may leave you feeling undervalued and even resentful.

So pay attention to the times when your spouse does anything even somewhat unselfish and nice for you, and express your gratitude for it. Be sure to point out things that they wouldn't expect you to, like picking up your favorite bottle of wine on the way home or substituting quinoa for their beloved rice since you're trying to limit your intake of refined carbohydrates.