The Beginning

I've always enjoyed a good challenge. To live is to face challenges, so why not enjoy them? When I was 12 I challenged myself to start a new life, not knowing what kind of outcome was waiting for me ahead.

My early life was conventional and very much "like" most other's in modern days. I had my parents, my 2 older sisters and the family dog , Valentine.

We traveled when we could, road trips to see distant relatives that had little interest or involvement in our lives. We spent Friday nights at the local blockbuster arguing over which movie to pick and tediously deciding the candy. Weeknights were spent with mom at the Kung-fu studio and weekends in the woods with grandma learning about the land. Out in Morton, also lived our Aunt Joey. She and I would spend hours playing guitar and learning to write music. Every morning during those early years of my life however, I spent with our neighbors, Amie and Bumpy. They were the epitome of kindness and love.

12 was an especially hard year for me... Our parents divorced leading to my mother moving out until she found my step dad. My father had to leave the state entirely without much contact and to top it off Aunt Joey's breast cancer got the better of her. We had to live in a 2 bedroom house in Lakewood . We woke up everyday at 4:30 a.m. when mom had to leave for work. She didn't want us to switch schools so we rode with her to Puyallup and waited for school to open.

My room was an oversized coat closet big enough for my mattress.

In total we roomed with my mom, step dad, sister 1, sister 2, step sister and step brother.

I didn't have friends...

I missed my dad...

That year I started smoking tobacco and marijuana.

Christmas Eve; Roughly 8:30 p.m.

I'm sitting in my room , upset about the usual set of issues in my current young life, When I heard a knock at the front door. I waited and listened for my mom to answer , it was my dad. He came bearing a gift he knew I couldn't resist, a shiny new guitar. After a few moments of warm hugs and tears , he told me his idea. "Jordann, I don't have a house yet but I did find a job. I'm staying at my brother's house in Idaho and if you come back with me to live there I'll give you this guitar." I told my mom I was leaving and suddenly Christmas morning wasn't so magical anymore.. We left bright and early.

I remember the drive as being very "bitter-sweet". One minute my dad and I are singing and smiling ,the next were silent and unsure. He told me all about his adventures while he was away. "Camping" in Yellowstone and driving through the most beautiful places. Waking up with the sun and sleeping under the stars. His words were so calm and happy, maybe if I were still the girl he left behind I would have believed that's all it was, " an adventure". However, I knew better.

You see, my dad came from a long history of such "adventures". He was emancipated at 15 . He spent his high school years living at friend's houses and under bridges, but he still graduated with his class. I suppose there's a lot of reasons why I admire him so much even through all of the difficulties that I believe could have been avoided.

He sets his mind to something and no matter how hard it gets or impossible it seems he doesn't give up. He went through so much in his life and still believes in the power of having a good attitude no matter what life throws your way. He is absolutely amazing for that.

Emotions running wild is an understatement for how I felt during that drive. I spent a little over a year missing him everyday and night wishing he would come to my rescue... and now that he did... I felt somewhat angry. Happy to be near him and away from there, angry that everything in my life fell apart and he ran instead of dealing with it .

There I was, running just like him. Hating myself for leaving my mom and yet somehow excited to start my own "adventure".

I wanted nothing more than to be like my dad and make him proud.

My mom on the other hand, was the exception of her family. While she didn't inherit the loving nature of her mother, she got every other basic and necessary piece of being a decent human being. Her 4 siblings on the other hand, did not.

If you have ever read or seen, "Lord of the Flies"... That was her childhood in a nutshell. Her parents worked and lived at the bar in town while she and her brothers and sister stayed in the cabin. No rooms, no bathroom, one wood stove in the center . My mother took care of them and she was the second youngest of the five.

Those experiences made her strong, reliable and trustworthy. They also made her distant and somewhat closed off emotionally.

I love both of my parents.

They are very different people that I seemed to get the worst traits from.

All I wanted at this age was to find out who I was and be my own person aside from grief and loneliness . To see the light beneath the dark shell.

After hours of conflicting thoughts, I came to from my day dreams to the my dad shaking my shoulder gently , announcing we had arrived in Jerome Idaho.

My uncle's house was beautiful, much nicer than I had been used to. Pulling up to the driveway felt like relief and anxiety at war in my chest. Wide open plains, quiet neighborhood and the everlasting scent of cow manure.

This was my new home.