The Art of Ghosting

I did an experiment this weekend. Mind you I have been divorced for sometime, and I have been really hesitant to get back out into the dating scene. I have been doing the whole therapy thing and just genuinely focused on my kids. I haven't felt like I was ready to get back out there, not because I am holding onto the relationship I was in- but rather there was so much pain caused in that relationship that I have been scared to get hurt again that badly.

That being said these last several days I have been in Chicago, and obviously there is a bigger population of people. I rented an Air BNB and had separate rooms, one for myself and one for my kids. I got on multiple dating apps, just to see if someone would even be willing to meet up or come over and just have adult conversation etc.

And I specifically only swiped on people who I would've actually been interested in real life. Meaning that there was an actual interest. And out of the people I matched with, I got ghosted. And ghosted HARD. (For those who don't know the term, ghosting is where someone will have a conversation with someone and then randomly up and block them or stop communicating with no explanation.)

To be honest- out of the all the people I matched with, I got ghosted 36 TIMES. You read that right- 36 times. And I didn't have anything crazy in my bio. Literally just asked them how they were doing or would strike up a conversation about random stuff on their profiles. I have found multiple things. People are absolutely burnt out. We are all seeking companionship- but people are done trying.

This timeframe in life- everyone is very superficial, not willing to communicate or put in effort. And so it ruins or jades their perspective for future partners. Which intern- the baggage they carry gets dragged into the next relationship. They do copious amounts of random illegal drugs, they just want sex or something the cool kids now call a "situationship" where they want you to solely be friends with benefits without having a relationship title. But you are not allowed to date others.

Or what's even harder is the amount of people who have issues from abuse growing up within their own families. It's a genuinely broken generation of Millennials who don't know what we are doing. We don't know how to communicate- so if something is intimidating or we don't want to "deal with it" they up and ghost you. Which intern makes you sometimes question what is wrong with me?

Hun- first off. Nothing is wrong with you. You are valuable, you are loved, you are amazing and strong. Male or female, however you identify, no matter the color of your skin, race, gender, or pronouns you are worthy and deserving of love. Second, there's like almost 8 billion people on the planet. We as a human race are all looking for the same thing. At a time where technology has brought us together- its severely impacting our mental health and pushing us far apart.

It's hindering our ability to communicate, and it's really disheartening. What did I say or do to push someone away, and I would take it personally. Because I didn't know what I had done wrong. People are afraid to be truthful and vocal about their intentions anymore- and I think it throws people off when I tell them what I look for in someone.

Thirdly, social media has created an unachievable standard for both men and women alike. Regardless of how you identify- there's a set beauty standard, money standard, and we are no longer allowed to have flaws. We are not allowed to be openly broken and working on ourselves. Society now wants a cookie cutter version of a person, and if you don't fit that quota you are now deemed unworthy.

Don't get me wrong I have my own slew of issues, but the thing is I'm constantly growing and changing. I'm learning, and seeking out the world in a different light. And I get it, not everyone is going to love every single part of you. But man when I tell you I have GROWN. I seriously am proud of the person I have become. I am doing therapy- and undoing generational trauma, so it's never passed on to my kids.

I am rocking single parenthood and grabbed it by the balls and said fuck it. I'm even trying to actively coparent with my ex and we are starting to figure out how we can both actively communicate to be as involved as we possibly can for the boys. Putting issues in the past- and hopefully in the next couple of years I can move towards the Pacific Northwest, so the boys can spend time with him.

I am not my past. Although my life has been like reality TV gone bad- I've completely defied the odds, and I'm still standing and alive. So when I saw each of those 36 individuals ghost me, I thought about it after. It's their loss.

It's their loss to meet someone amazing, kind and compassionate. Someone who loves adventure, and who's a dedicated mom. Someone who loves Corgis and hyper focuses on weird shit. Who would get into deep conversations. Someone who's willing to stay up till 2 AM and movie marathon Lord of the Rings, or Cosplay any time of the year. You are missing out on someone who's loyal as hell and won't cheat. Someone who's willing to cross country road trip and cook you food. I'm that ride or die.

But guess what? You were so quick to close out a chat and swipe that you would've never known what I brought to the table. Or even worse, ghost me after a year and a half with no explanation. You would lead me on knowing how much I liked you. How much I openly tried to communicate. Or "communicate too much" like fuck dude. You seriously can't win with people.

So I laugh when I am at home on my couch late at night watching TV and I see these decent looking adults ask "where's all the good ones at?" Hun, we are at home. We are at home on our couch. We are off the dating apps or even more, we are on there- you just chose to swipe left because we didn't look a certain way or we aren't deemed attractive enough.

So now as I head home from Chicago after having done this experiment, and gone back to my normal life and I have since deleted all my dating accounts. I hope some day I'll find someone that will love me and my kids for our flaws and all. Our flaws make us unique and fun. We are open and vulnerable. We are authentically ourselves. But I'm also not actively looking for this either. It'll come in when I'm not looking. I know my worth, and I don't need someone to validate it.

But do yourself a favor- next time you are going to ghost someone, instead taking the easy way out. Even though it's tempting- be real. Tell them why you don't want to communicate. It helps bring closure and healing to those who may need it. Even if it's as simple as- your schedules not aligning, you aren't attracted to them etc. It's better than just absolutely leaving them hanging.

And to the guy who ghosted me after a year of talking, if you ever see this, just know I'm using you as the example of what not to allow in my life anymore. You made me question myself worth, and genuinely question why I wasn't worth the honesty. And I would even challenge you to ask yourself- what did you get from this? Did you get gratification for leading someone on knowing you would never actually do anything?

And for my married folk. Genuinely get it together. If you aren't happy LEAVE. Don't lie. It only causes issues in the long run for you and your partner. I don't care if you are causally talking to someone on the side. Emotional affairs count as cheating in my book. It always ends bad in the end. I don't care in your deployed and horny or if you "aren't that serious". Shut it down. You lead that person on- you make them assume there will be something in the long run even if you don't physically say it. The longer you allow something to linger, the more of a fire this turns into until it's burned your entire life to the ground. You owe it to you and your partner.

We need to become a society where honesty and bluntness isn't viewed as a bad thing. And subsequently- if someone gives you their honest opinion you need to be willing to receive criticism. You don't have to like what their reasoning is- but you need to move forward with their reasoning and leave it. Don't keep pushing the issue. We may all learn something in the end.