The Absence of Confinement

Have you ever wanted to change something in your life? Yearned and waited in longing for such an age you feel like it will never come. That the miracle you strive for every day is just out of your anticipating reach. I hated my life… until I figured out a way to alter it in unimaginable ways.

I can’t keep this knowledge to myself. Once you read this, there's no going back. You'll know the truth.

I won't blame you if you don't believe me, though. I wouldn't have believed me either.

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A few months ago I was a 22 year old college drop-out that couldn’t stand her life any longer. I hadn’t even told my mom that I’d dropped out, still living in the tiny shared apartment next to campus so that I didn’t have to admit my failures to anyone. My sister, already with her dream job and dream wedding coming soon, set the bar pretty high.

I had to do something about it…I couldn’t live wallowing in constant pity and depression anymore. I spent weeks searching and looking and hoping for a solution…getting more desperate by the day; until I found Willow.

I didn’t believe it myself to begin with, how anyone could manipulate their own lives to such an extent that I found myself able to. It’s real, dark stuff and you should only try to replicate this yourself if you need to. Trust me on this one- or you might end up wishing you’d never seen this at all. You’ll curse my name and hope you could just go back to how things were.

It’s too late for me. The universe is strange in that way. It can take everything you thought you’d needed away, only to leave you in a better situation than you could have ever imagined. If only it was at a smaller cost.

The first big change came last month. There I’d been, going home for Thanksgiving at my mom's house. It looked the same as it always had; my mom's cars in the drive, weather-beaten porch swing covered with faded white paint, ruby red mailbox. A picturesque family home.

When I'd gone inside, my parents had been on the couch, my dad's arm wrapped tenderly around my mother's waist and they were laughing together.

This might sound like a regular occurrence, but my parents… well, they hate each other. A seven year cheating spree by my dad ruined all of our lives. He left pretty soon after we found out, moving to start a new chapter with his secret mistress Julia and their twin beautiful daughters. He hadn’t even said goodbye to me. I’d sat there behind the pale pink curtains of my bedroom, watching him load his stuff into the car; expecting him to come and say ‘I love you, baby girl,’ one last time. He didn’t even look back.

For a second, standing there, looking at my parents, I had thought I was dreaming. It couldn't be real. I'd spoken to my mom last week, and she'd even mentioned going on a date with someone from work. No mention of a possible reconciliation with dad.

This is where I’d started to get a bit sweaty, my palms dampening as I realised what was happening.

"Uh... dad? What are you doing here?" I'd asked, tentatively. I was still standing in the doorway, weekend bag at my feet, unable to move.

Both my parents looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"Watching TV?" My dad replied.

This can't be happening, I'd thought, before dazedly stepping inside and closing the door behind me. That's when I noticed the wall next to me. It was dotted with family pictures. Me, my parents, my sister... seemingly normal; except they hadn't been there the last time I’d come for a visit. The picture from my sister's college graduation last year, one of my favorite pictures of me, her and my mom, suddenly featured my dad behind us too. The picture of me and my sister from our trip to the beach last year now had my dad's car parked in the background. The picture from last year's Christmas card now featured my dad and his siblings and their kids.

"Dad." I had said, willing my voice to work. "Shouldn't you be in Santa Fe?"

I hadn't turned around to look, because I hadn’t wanted to see the confused looks I was definitely getting from them. I knew the answer. I just had to be sure.

"Sweetheart, why would I be?" My dad asked, but I'd known that's what he was going to say, like some demented script in my head. I knew exactly what was going on, I just couldn’t believe it.

"Are you back together?" I already knew the response I'd get. We were never not together.

"What happened to Julia and your kids?" I asked next.

Who's Julia? Are you okay honey? The looks on their faces telling me I was out of my mind, and I might have agreed if I didn’t know better.

From what my parents, and everyone else, remember, my dad had never left. His other daughters with Julia had never been born, and he’d never cheated on my mom.

How did I know, you say? How did I not freak out and ask what the hell is going on here?

Because I’m the one that caused it. I manifested it, all of it, and all I’d needed was a pen and a little black book. It was so easy, and it was all thanks to Willow.

✐ 🕮 ✎

I’d only come across her by chance; scrolling forums late at night, I’d been startled when my laptop had dinged with a notification, a little red circle popping up over the inbox icon. My heart had jumped nervously although my body had already begun moving to click the button. Who would message anyone at three in the morning?

I saw your post, it had begun, I can feel your sadness through your words. What if I were to tell you how to make everything better?

The words had stood out against the white background, burning into my heavy gaze. I thought back to what I’d posted a few days prior. Is there any point in carrying on? I’d written in the title. Do things get better? I hadn’t done it for the replies, it had just been to get it off my chest mostly, a whole page for letting out all of my negative feelings. It was the first message I’d ever received after almost a year on the website.

Please tell me. Had been my reply. I’ll do anything.

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The first thing I’d tried to manifest was my dad back into my life. Go big or go home, I’d thought, not fully believing I would see results. I knew my mom would never forgive him, and he would never leave his family in Santa Fe. How could it possibly work?

Well, as Willow had told me after I’d informed her of what had happened, I’d simply switched into another reality. A parallel universe. One where my dad could keep his package in his depot, and my family had never been ruined.

It was a critical turning point in my life, that first successful run. I had gone crazy with my little black book. I had the power to do anything now; I’d lock myself in my room, writing pages upon pages of manifestations, goals, wishes. They all came true, and my life was amazing. I had a brand new car, a new phone, new furniture and even the cutest little Labrador puppy I’d ever seen in my life. It was all fun until I decided it was time to attempt my second big life change.

Moving to Florida!

It had been more of a game than anything else, to push the limits of my little black book and see what I could do. I had years of depression to make up for. Why not move to Florida, when all I had to do was write it down a hundred times? The sun would be good for us. Unfortunately, my sister, tied down to her career and fiancé, wouldn’t be able to make the journey. I guessed I would have to be my parent’s favorite in her absence.

I manifested a great career opportunity near our new house, so that I could make sure my parents wouldn’t be disappointed that I’d dropped out of college. They’d actually been so happy to be around me again that they’d given me their master bedroom, while they moved downstairs to the basement! To think that only a little while ago I had been praying to not wake up in the morning, here, with everything I’ve received from my little book, I was finally at peace.

I had a sudden realisation that I had become addicted to the small book, I had learned to rely on it more than I’d ever anticipated. Whenever I wrote in the book I felt as though I could finally breathe again.

Now, this is probably where you’re wondering, why would I not want to do this at home?

It sounds amazing, I know; getting everything you ask for, everything you’ve ever wanted. You probably won’t listen to my warnings, just as I didn’t listen to Willow’s. The universe seeks balance, it will give you as much pain as it will give you abundance. I wish I’d known that.

My third wish was money. $20,000. If that worked, I would ask for a million next.

That night, I’d gotten out my book as usual. It was almost getting to the end already, I would have to ask Willow to send another. I traced the front cover, feeling the rough moleskine under my fingertips. I swore I could have felt raw energy pulsing under there, a magnetic power that I could only barely sense with my human perception.

I had fallen asleep next to my laptop that evening, after I’d decided to give Willow my thanks for my new amazing life, the monitor the only light in my dark bedroom. Snoring softly beside it, I don’t hear the inbox notification as she finally sent her reply.

Be careful, the text simply read. The book holds greater power than you know. Every time you ask for something, a little of your soul is taken by the book. Don’t ask for anything more than what you need, or you will face consequences.

By the time I’d woken up and read the message, it was already too late. The third change came barrelling in through a phone call.

“Is this the family of Elizabeth and James Hargreaves?” An urgent voice asked through the phone. “You need to come to Jackson Memorial Hospital immediately.”

My parents were dead, and it was my fault. I hadn’t realised at first.

It was only when I received my inheritance from their deaths that I saw it- there, in my bank, was $20,000.

Be careful what you wish for.

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So now we’re finally caught up. The sun is twinkling on the ocean ahead, delighting me in its warm rays as I sit next to the pool. In my beautiful Floridian home, surrounded by sun, sea and my collection of little black books. I’m set for life, thousands of blank pages ready for me to ask for whatever I desire. I might have lost my family, my sense of reality and my humility, but at this point... I don’t care. I have succumbed to my darkest desires, and I won’t be stopping any time soon. Why would I? I’ve never been happier.

✐ 🕮 ✎

Are you depressed? What if I told you… I could teach you how to change that? Send me your address, and I might just gift you your very own little black book*. *(I am not responsible for whatever outcomes await you.)