Tears Of The Unloved

Is there No one to love me out there. Why I am unlovable, I feel All alone, yet we're still together I used to dream one day I would have it all. It's too late now. I see lovers walking hand in hand; I think, why not me. Why was I born to be unloved? I think it's like the great in the baby-making land, my egg was marked as a reject before I had a chance. Ugly and sad me. I have loved three times, yet in turn, each has rejected me. The unwanted the cursed egg. Some women have good looks, money, a man who adores. I crave love the point I could cry an Ocean, and drown in it. My first go at love was a disaster. So I tried again. The wrong move, unlike the first love, there weren't any punches, no abuse. So what went wrong? Life did. He grew tired of me. He withdrew his feelings and exchanged a passion for friendship. Kisses and the sex got replaced with cups of tea—a grandmother and grandfather relationship. At 49 years old No kisses, No love, just a toleration of each other. An empty life. The year's flew by. Now 12 years on. My third love makes it crystal clear I am his unwanted he tolerates me just. I was cursed before I was came into this land. Maybe I abused men in my past life, who knows. I can sit in a crowded room, all alone in deep thought. I never feel totally good enough. My weight has been the biggest issue in my life because when I was slim a size 10-12, the punches I took daily made me think just what the heck. He held me by my shoulders; then I was shaken until I admitted I was fat and ugly. He was a bully. I was 9st. I was 16 years old. I believed what seeds he planted in my mind. The seeds grew. I would eat and eat, my sadness too much of a cross to live with. At my best, I was nothing to him, so I told myself why not just admit he is right. I am the unwanted. I cry every night. I can be falling into a night of sleep, then the light in my mind goes on, and my eyes ping open. Is like two flood gates making way for the tears to escape. I yo-yo diet. I cook and buy good food, but one trigger food on my lips, sends messages to my brain to eat and console yourself, and enjoy. My sisters not thin, but also not fat, suppose in between is how to describe her. My brother isn't so why me. I know time is running out for me. The chances are this is as good as it will ever get. I have gorgeous clothing: perfumes and makeup. I focus on my eyes; they're the only beautiful thing I have. My home is clean and my palace. The area I live in has been the worst ever. People say Inside my house is beautiful, and I think it is cosy. I love cute things. I don't go out much. I Stopped driving in 2014. From moving to this house, I have suffered from ill health, and it started shortly after moving to this area it’s rough you see. Well, there are people worse off out there. My illnesses are depression, psoriasis and arthritis in both feet, knees, and hands, also shoulders. I long for; I crave for just to be someone’s everything.

I know it's never going to happen in this lifetime. I read the Tarot cards. I am clairvoyant too. I read Lenormand cards. Not for others just myself and family. This year started, and I said this is my year. It was going well until the 5th of March my birthday when I began to feel ill. Now I am in bed with a viral infection self-diagnosed. Hope it's not the Corona. So you see I write poetry, I have done since I was 12. My grammar isn't perfect, but what I write is from my heart and mind. I don't aim to be better than others. I want just to let out my feelings with this beautiful object they call The Pen. So when you read me, please take me like a lady who is not perfect, just someone who uses her pen as her emotional voice. Tomorrow I hope to feel better and get back on the diet horse. Wish me luck. My life is in tatters; still, I go on in hope. My best is yet to come. Maybe.

The times I have tried to better myself. I am still here, nothing done

Love is a gamble, a battle. I never really won this long fight

The one I love is never to be. My heart is breaking it's not right

Changes are a must. My life desperately is a prison, let me out

No one should feel this lonely. No one should have everything but nothing

I live in tears as they fall silently. I cry an ocean help me before I drown

Life has gifted me with everything but not love. Life gave me the crying Crown