Tea for Three

The hardest thing about doing anything is starting it. I have poured endless hours and heartaches into building the meatsuit and ego I carry with me. So what happens when something comes along and not so gently rails your ego out right in the suckhole? You crumble. I crumbled. Why? What had I done? Suddenly in a manner of seconds my world violently crashed me back into reality. The yawning void of self-doubt and unsettling blanket of depression wrapped me up tightly, for they are always there to ensure we are never alone in their misery.

All of this was a build up for something right? I wasn't pushing away my friends and family for nothing right? They were far safer not near me. The pain of my actions and my cutting words was merely meant to deter them away from me. Where they would be safe. Right?

Hell yeah I was right!! It worked, people didn't want to be around me. I was angry and in pain and no one could help me. That little voice that had all the right answers, the hard answers, the truth, was being beaten by the hour. To keep his mouth shut. Get out of here with your positive perspective. I don't want to feel better. Lightbulb.

Why didn't I want to feel better? Who was stopping me from feeling better other than me? My dad always told me the hardest thing to do was get out of my own way. I have continuously put the same myself in the way of things crushing my own hopes, dreams and plans. It wasn't something I was intentionally doing, oh but I was definitely doing it. The more I looked at it, the more I realized maybe I was doing it on purpose. Who did I think I was expecting success and good things. Those things don't just get handed to you. They aren't just being passed out to people. If the government had a stock of them, they wouldn't be sharing. So who cared whether or not I was successful The world needed me so they could be successful. My friends needed me because I gave great advice and always pushed everyone else for greatness. Greatness I was not worthy of. Regardless of what the past had taught me. Regardless of all of my own personal successes. I was not worthy of anything, and I knew because it hadn't just been handed to me.

At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it. Thich Nhat Hanh

The worst critic you will ever encounter is yourself. No way right? I have often seen from my encounters with people, that we really worry about nothing. We walk around the world viewing it as if it was scrutinizing our every action, our every detail. Truly taking a step back and just people watching, you will notice that no one actually is truly paying you attention. We drift through our world caring and worrying about what everyone else thinks about us to the point that we actually forget there are other people out there. Those negative aspects that we apply to ourselves, and to others, are all contrived from our own minds attempting to limit us. When I chose to acknowledge and let those dark and deep depressive thoughts, I gave up on myself. I told myself the only proper response was the worst response. Until I reopened my eyes. The dark is only dark as long as you keep the shades down. For without the light, there is nothing to cast a shadow. I threw open the shades, I invited myself back inside. And I hugged myself. That same magic I had been imparting to others my whole life in my hugs, in my heart, finally shown through me from me. My magic to heal and love and my ability to be the light in the dark all came rushing back into me. It had not ever left, I had just closed the door on the part of me that truly mattered, me.

I have recently begun exploring, and not just exploring myself as we just learned. I have been exploring my world. Opening my eyes and heart to all the possibilities. I sat down with myself outside of a gorgeous cafe the other day. We had an enlightening conversation, myself and I. I asked him what he thought we should do for the future. My goals have always been elusive to me, as I have abused my inner voice too often. He asked me what I wanted, what the world could give me that would make me the happiest, best form of me I would ever be able to find.

Everything. I want everything. I want life. I want love. I want heartache and worry and regret. I want success and travel. I want smiles that set the day on fire. I want someone to look at me one day and I want to see the love for us in her eyes that I feel pouring out of me. I want to live completely and fully and do everything there is to do. This man looked at me dead in the face, with his dark eyes full of wisdom and asked me what was stopping me. Then he smiled. The realizations I had already long since achieved, those ideas and dreams never achieved, are all still there waiting for me. Now is the time for change, now is the time for work and fulfillment. Now is the time to put aside the endless systems of synchronicity and find the true heart, the true calling of your inner world. My world resonates with me, feels with me, and loves with me. I always thought I was trapped in here with me. Have you released yourself from your own prison? Or are you still convinced someone else has taken you hostage?