They say it helps to write out how you’re feeling when you’re feeling sad. I feel like I write too much about it so it’s lost its effect on helping me cope... but here I am.
The truth is, I’m sad. I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want any of this to ever happen to me. That’s why I avoided dating or falling in love with anyone else after Cristhofer Nolasco... because everything that I went through for Nolasco in High School was so painful & embarrassing that I didn’t think I was capable of enduring those feelings again.
So that’s why I decided to dodge relationships or catching feelings.
Until... I met him. Edwin Francisco Secaida Peraza. Mouthful huh? Yeah. I thought it was too. He was different from everyone else I had met though. He was kind, genuine, caring, had a funny sense of humor, & his smile was something that irritated me at first but then I grew to love it... yeah, I fell in love with a crooked smile.
I was scared. Scared of what would happen if I decided to be brave enough to put my heart into someone else’s hands. Scared of pain, betrayal, disloyalty, & rejection. That’s why I never decided to keep seeing guys once I slept with them. They’d get too attached & I wasn’t willing to meet them halfway so I was branded as a “cold hearted bitch,” I didn’t care though, they didn’t mean anything to me. But with him... it was different. He made me feel like I mattered. He made me feel like I was worth more than just a good time in bed. He made me feel like the person I yearned to be rather than the person I was. He was everything I had ever wanted & that scared me.
I cried the day I realized that I was starting to fall in love with him. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to feel the way Nolasco made me feel. I didn’t want to end up sad & alone. I was trying to spare myself of everything I had seen my friends go through in their relationships, or what women in novels & movies would go through for men.
I was scared... but he was like this little candle light in the darkness for me. He made me feel safe. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world... & so I fell. I fell in love with him hard. He promised me that he would never hurt me & soon enough, we were together. I finally had a boyfriend that was worth calling mine. I wanted everything with him. First movie date, first dinner date, first birthday date, you name it. I wanted it all with him. He was so loving & so goofy. He made me feel like a queen at one point & I realized that I had hit the lottery with him. He was everything that I ever wanted in a boyfriend.
I guess that’s why I was having such a hard time letting him go...
I want what’s best for him & I knew that I was good for him & that he was good for me despite everything that had happened. I knew that with trust, effort, & time we could’ve made it work... but there was no trust on my side, there was no effort on his side, & so we ultimately, ran out of time.
He ended up moving down to Long Beach & that’s when I realized that it was over for good. Long distance relationships never work out. He use to tell me “what we had was real” & I believed him so I would always come back. But after a while, the tables turned & I was the one telling him that. I was the one chasing after him, calling him, questioning him. I tried to communicate with him on how I felt. I tried telling him that it wasn’t him who was making me unhappy, that I just wasn’t happy with the way things were going because I feared that the end was near & I didn’t want to lose him. My biggest fear was losing him... & well, I did.
He says things are different now. That he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he use to. So was I really so stupid to believe that I could still make him happy? He’s convinced that he doesn’t make me happy or that he’s not what I deserve, that I deserve someone who will treat me better. Said it everyday for a while before he decided to officially cut me off. I begged & cried of course. Tried persuading him into thinking otherwise... because he did make me happy. He was the only constant happiness in my life in all honesty. When I was feeling sad, I’d go to him to make me happy. When I was feeling lonely, I’d go to him for company. When I was feeling upset, I’d go to him to calm me down. When I was feeling happy, it was because of him. Everything in my life & how I felt was because of him. Not because my life revolved around him but because he was that little voice of encouragement that I needed to help get me out of bed every day. He was everything to me.
I still feel guilty about what I did. I made him a promise & I broke it. I guess that’s why I couldn’t blame anyone but myself when he broke his too... I told myself every day that I would fix it, but you can always see the cracks in a broken plate, no matter how much glue you use.
My heart is made out of glass & my mind of stone. I was so fragile in his hands & he dropped me every time, thinking that an apology would fix the cracks on my heart. I was hard headed & didn’t blame him, I blamed myself for everything, I would tell myself that he did what he did because I was doing something wrong. Once I realized that a relationship is a two way street, that it takes two people to tango, that it’s very easy for two people to move a couch, etc... it was too late.
It got to a point where in helping him, I was hurting myself. He started being more distant, he started being colder, he was changing & I didn’t understand why. All I could understand was that it hurt. It hurt so much to realize that everything I had done for him, all the effort, the pain, the tears, the laughter, everything was all for nothing. He had changed. He isn’t the same Edwin that I fell in love with almost two years ago. He’s different now. “Things change Nancy, & people change too. I’m sorry.” That’s all I got. & worse part is, I didn’t even get to hear it in person. That’s right. He told me through text message... a day after we had made 18 months, a day after I had posted that picture of us on my Instagram, a day after a date that felt like the world to me but nothing to him.
I couldn’t process what was going on, that I had actually lost him & so I started my five stages of Grief.
The first, denial. “This isn’t happening,” would be on replay in my mind. I couldn’t believe that he was actually calling it quits, I was in shock that he would even consider leaving me, especially considering everything that I had done & gone through for him. I couldn’t believe it so I would nonchalantly shrug it off. I thought it was just another one of his moods where he was all about “fuck the world & fuck everything” but I was wrong, he was being serious about his decision. Which then led me to stage two, Anger.
I was upset. I was at the top of the scale on being uncontrollably upset. I yelled, I mocked, I confronted him about so many unnecessary things & made myself look immature & insensitive. I said mean things to him, only making the cut deeper & ruining any chance I had of possibly being able to fix my mistakes. I made things worse simply because I couldn’t accept the fact that something like this was happening to me. & after I was done being upset, I moved onto stage three, bargaining.
I begged for him to stay. Said I would change if he gave me another chance. That I’d go back to school, stop getting involved in work drama, stop hanging out or speaking to people he wasn’t fond of, I gave him so many options on how I would be willing to change to get him to stay. All I wanted was for him to stay & if doing something as pathetic as begging was going to get him to consider staying then I was willing to do just that. But bargaining didn’t get me far. Sure, I was able to satisfy my sexual needs a couple of more times, even got the pleasure of simply sleeping besides him for a couple of nights but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted all of him. So I did what I do best, I begged again. I begged for another chance, but this time, I used my body. He stayed for a while longer, even told me he still loved me a couple of times because it made me happy. I thought I had finally won him back but I was wrong. He still left. Despite everything I had done & said, he still left me... Pushing me away & thus, pushing me towards stage four, depression.
I am sad. I am sad. I am sad. I’m sad... I have to say it a couple of times to remind myself what exactly it is that I’m feeling. I’m not angry anymore. I’m sad & alone. It’s not an exaggeration either. Edwin was my person, my best friend, my partner in crime, my partner in life... he was everything I had ever wanted in a person. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me... until things started changing.
Angie lives in San Francisco so I hardly see her & ever since she got a boyfriend she hardly ever even has time to reply back to me or accept phone calls. & Saraí, well things are complicated with her. I haven’t felt like we were true friends ever since what happened on my birthday. It’s more of she talks to me when she wants rather than when I need her. So that’s why Edwin was all I had left when it came to having a shoulder to cry on.
He was everything I needed on a bad day. But towards the end, things were different. When I would cry to him about having a bad day at work, he would always just tell me to stop exaggerating & crying... when all I wanted was for him to tell me everything was gonna be okay. If I was in pain he would tell me to woman up, when all I wanted was for him to comfort me again or ask me if I needed anything. He’s a different person now. When I tell him he is, he agrees & says “that’s why I can’t be with you anymore, things are just different Nancy.” & I know I should take what he says & tell myself “he’s no good for you Nancy, move on before he hurts you again... ” but somehow, someway, I convince myself to stay.
I tell myself that one day he’ll wake up & realize that he needs me just as much as I need him, that he’ll say he loves me again, that he’s ready to try again... that he’ll remember the words he told me when we first met, that he’d love me & stay by my side until the day we die... pathetic I know.
I feel like I stay because I know the real him. The person he is now, it’s not him, he’s only like this because he’s going through problems. I know I shouldn’t use that as a justification for his actions because at the end of the day, everyone has their problems. I have my own problems. He doesn’t know that I keep getting in trouble at work. He doesn’t know that some of the guys there cross the line with me. He doesn’t know about how I’ve already gotten another conversation & write up about my time & attendance because I keep calling out because of the fact that I’m depressed & just want to stay in bed all day — or how I’ve started falling behind on my credit card payments since I don’t have enough money because of the fact that I keep calling out. He doesn’t know any of that. I don’t bother telling him because I know him well enough to know that if I do tell him, he’ll use that against me. “You should just focus on yourself Nancy, you have so much going on already.”
I know I have a lot going on but it didn’t start until I lost him. I didn’t start calling out of work until he left me. I didn’t start falling behind on payments until he decided to call it quits. I didn’t cry every day & feel this type of way until he said “take care.”
I always hated that phrase. “Take care.” There were moments where he would say he’d see me tomorrow & he’d end the conversation with “take care,” & that’s how I knew that “tomorrow” was never going to happen.
I always said, “people make time for the people they want to be with” because I know that if I’m in the middle of something important, my phone is of no concern to me but the moment he texted me or called me or even sent me a funny meme, I would stop everything I was doing just to see what he said, to hear his voice, or to laugh along with him. There were moments where I would cry at work from how stressful that day was & one text from him would make me realize that work is just work, it’s not my life, but just a pass time. He made me so happy. That’s why I didn’t wanna call it quits. He was my person.
There’s so much that I still wanna say but I feel like I’m becoming redundant. I’m stupid to stay but in all honestly, I’d rather stay alone than wake up every morning to someone that isn’t him for the rest of my life... because I still love him.
I still think he’s my soulmate. Because he is the one person in the world that knows me better than anyone, even better than myself sometimes. He was the push I needed everyday to help me become the person I wanted to be for myself, for us. I still carry him in my heart, because he was the one person who accepted me for who I was, because he believed in me when no one else would. I still care for & love him so much, & nothing can ever change that. He was my best friend.
I still hope that one day he’ll call me & say he’s sorry too. I still hope that one day he’ll come back to me & stay for good. I still hope that in due time he’ll realize again what he made me realize months ago... that what we had was real. But until then, I can only stick to his phrase too.