I remember nervously standing in line at the courthouse together, waiting for our turn and unsure what to expect. We’d Googled how to file for divorce and had filled the paperwork out as best as we could... It’s not like we could afford to hire a lawyer for help. We couldn’t really ask any of our friends or family for help either because none of them have ever had to file for divorce. They’re all still happily married.
Michelle comes home from a day of Christmas shopping. This Christmas would be one that would be forever embedded in her memory. When she walked in the house, she could hear what sounded like female voices coming from the living room. She recognized one of the voices being that of Antonio's Mother. Could it be? She told Antonio that his Mother wasn't allowed in their home. She bypassed the living room, and headed straight to their bedroom where Antonio was going through his drawer in their dresser. She was so disgusted that his Mother was there that she didn't say a word to Antonio, but instead left, and went to a nearby phone booth to call Antonio. When she did not receive an answer, she went back home. This time she peeped in the living room, because she heard what she thought was speaking in tongues, which is a language members of a particular Religious group to communicate with "source." She would soon find out what was really going on.
I didn't get married on a whim. I know that some people were so excited about the prospect of finally being able to get married that they tied the knot when maybe it wasn't at the right time or to the right person. I didn't think I was part of that group.
Time has passed... and although some would claim it to have been enough, the wounds still hurt as if they were made yesterday. The last time we spoke, you attempted to make me feel guilty for the relationship that was destroyed between my daughter and I. You claimed that no matter what I was doing, you knew that there was at least a brief moment where she was on my mind. A brief moment... If it weren't so sad it would be funny. If you only knew that I think about the two of you every minute of every god damn day.
When the subject of divorce comes up it becomes easy to see how you could find yourself getting tired of talking about it. You might go back and forth with your spouse about various irreconcilable differences, and find that you are getting upset just about the paperwork, and how you will split things down the middle.
Few things in life can be as traumatic as the end of a marriage. With an important relationship changing in such a fundamentally life changing way, people often feel angry, depressed, stressed, or all of those things at once. And, while all of this is going on, you’ll have a lot of new things to deal with: legal proceedings, future plans, and perhaps new living arrangements to name just a few.
Why is breaking up a family such hard pill to swallow? I was living my dream; traveling the world singing with some of the worlds biggest acts. He was finally being recognized for the great producer I always knew he was. I wasn’t the perfect wife. I said some hurtful things. He did some things that I still have to deal with. Infidelities and mean words had become a part of our day to day. But through it all, I never thought it would come to this. For me, it wasn't just one thing. The puzzle had so many pieces. I spent three years, waiting on someone to just "figure it out.” At his request, I stayed, and we started looking for a new place together as a sort of fresh start, or so I thought. In the midst of it all, I found out I was two months pregnant, bringing our family to a nice even number of four. It wasn’t until moving day that I found out my six year old and I were the only ones moving into the new place. He didn’t want to live together anymore. He didn't love me anymore. And although it sounds cliché, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was suddenly on my own, pregnant, in a new place with everything in boxes, and no one to help me. That day I thought my marriage was over—I thought my life was over. But little did I know, I would stay in limbo for another year and a half.
Ending a relationship with a person on the narcissistic spectrum is daunting, draining, exhausting and painful. If you were married with children it is much worse as these folks aspire to "win" and children are subject to collateral damage. These folks are incapable of being decent parents due to their own limitations. This shows itself promptly when they file for sole custody, attempting to hurt a protective parent on the deepest level and showing they have no regard for the children, who they view as possessions.
Men are complicated creatures and even more so when it comes to relationships. There is a difference between being complicated and just flat out not interested in his marriage anymore.
There is absolutely nothing more daunting than the idea of being "back on the market" after a prolonged absence due to being betrothed to "the one" for a spell. After being married and with the same person for a long time, we tend to get very comfortable in the idea of who we are. The role of being a wife or a mother is actually a small part of who we actually are and it's easy to forget that we are more than just a title. Transitioning from these roles can be outright scary, especially when you factor in the way things have changed from when you were single at 18 to being single in your early 30s.
You always imagine that once love becomes a focal point in your life, you tend to believe that in the end everything will be just fine and will work out as planned. You've found your soul mate—the love of your life, you are happy and you feel like you are walking in air and when you look at the world everything becomes surreal. You start to enter the ritual of being in love, having sex, getting married, and for some—having children. These pivotal events become life changing moments that shape you and the relationship you are in. But what happens to you when the unenviable happens? An unexpected event occurs in the marital relationship that changes the definition of love. This event as we know it is called divorce.
A lot has changed since I wrote my last post. After leaving in January, my life had more ups and downs than I could have ever expected. To this day, I am still not divorced, mostly do to financial needs. I have moved back into the same town as my ex. For months we lived as roommates and tried to get along, thinking it was best for our kids. I watched him date and try to rebuild his life. Some parts didn't hurt me. Others made me feel like I was not worth very much. You would expect jealousy and pain from being close to him and not having him, but that is not what I experienced. To be honest, the biggest thing that hurt me is seeing him do amazingly sweet or romantic things for other women that he never once did during our seven years of marriage. The worst part, though, was him thinking that because we were now friends, that he could tell me all of these built up secrets about the time we were together and married that were horrible. Such as having crushes on other females, flirting, dreaming, and even wanting them in a sexual way while we were together. In the last month, I have moved into my own place and see my children as much as I can. I am preparing all of the paperwork and knowledge I need to file for divorce. The hardest thing I am doing though is playing nice.